Mum won’t look after my (theoretically) sick child

[Weloveflowerss]

Hi, I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. They are both due to start nursery soon and I know they will be sick to start with. Me and my DH work full time and they will be going to nursery full time as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them fair enough. She doesn’t work but just likes to spend time on her own all week. I am going back to a training programme and can’t take too many days off otherwise it will be very difficult for me to carry on training. My DH will take some unpaid leave if we need to so will do as best we can. Unfortunately our mortgage rate is over soon and will paying double what we are paying now so taking unpaid leave is not great but something we will have to do. I asked my mum if she would help out a day if one of them is sick just so we can spread it all out but she categorically doesn’t want to help out because she doesn’t want to get sick. What are your thoughts? I just find it hard to not be resentful when she is 55, doesn’t work and just chills all day and she doesn’t want to help, I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I just need people to tell me I am to snap me out of it.

what has she mentioned about when she was old
I would be telling her she will get as much help as she offers !

Dm chose to have a child - that is not the ops fault, the dm is not owed anything simply for having chosen to have a child.

Not the dm is not obliged.in any way to help out- in choosing not to she releases the op from any obligation to help her out in her old age - what goes around comes around imo.

Your choice to have kids and your responsibility.

Yes but no doubt I’ll be the cruel one then 🤦‍♀️🤣

Your feelings on this are valid. But she is equally not being unreasonable to not want to look after them. You know that. But it's okay to know that you'd be unreasonable to expect her to help, whilst also feeling frustrated by it and let down, dissappointed etc. It's okay to process those feelings and let them be, it doesn't mean you then have to raise it with her or expect anything to happen differently. But it's okay to wish she would help out to make your life easier. We're human, we have feelings, and it's not black and white, this person is right and this one is wrong. It's hard having two kids and having to juggle shit without help. It's okay to find that frustrating and crap and wish someone would just come along and help sometimes ❤

Just caught up with the thread, and as expected it's filled with the usual "you're so entitled" bashing, where its completely acceptable to rip complete strangers to shreds, and deem them a terrible person, through our computers, based on the tiniest bit of information. Life isn't black and white and all our experiences are different. Empathy goes such a long way in situations like this. Op has a lot on, is daunted about the furture and trying to find ways to ease her worries about managing practicalities when juggling sick children and work/training. Why have so many of us lost the ability to empathise with others and show compassion for how they are feeling. We don't need others to be "wrong" for us to feel better about ourselves! The world is a busy and stressful place now, and we all want to feel like we have family support. It is hard not having it!

It’s not emotional blackmail because the OP isn’t actually saying it to her mother , it’s simply that when her mum is old and needs help the OP may be too busy having a nap or helping her own children out with their childcare . You reap what you sow .

Sorry OP, but these are your children, not your mum's. It's up to you to arrange childcare when you can't look after them. Nurseries take babies from a few months old. I never gave m children to my mum to are for when they were ill because I didn't want her to catch any bugs. We rarely used my mum for childcare even when they were well. We managed between us, or using nursery for long work days.

This is your responsibility not your mum's. Spend time with your mum with your children, she doesn't need to care for them when you r not there.

I think it's reasonable of her to want to avoid illness. My parents look after their grandchildren and get ill frequently from them.