Did we ruin daughter by spoiling

[Daringbear]

Hi,
First of all I'm going to be quite vulnerable and I know this is my own doing so please be nice, even if harsh.
My only daughter is 17, she is 18 at the start of August. She was an incredibly wanted child, my husband and I had been trying for 6 years, several miscarriages, failed IVF rounds, it was emotionally the hardest time of my life. When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her. We were 35 and 38 by the time she was born, we had 6 extra years of career advancement so were in a financially good place and could spoil her. We knew we wouldn't have more children so we really put it all into our girl. She was also 5 years younger than her closest in age cousin, of which she only has 3 and all boys, so being the only girl and youngest she was also massively spoilt by grandparents. My husband and I aren't massively social people, we had two close friends who were in similar positions and kids a little older. We live in a town where most people are comfortable financially, the house prices are much higher than the rest of the region, so all of daughters socialising have been with children similar to her.
She was also among the youngest in her year, I was terrified she would feel less than etc. so we pushed our financial limits for piano lessons, ballet, tennis, vocal coaching etc. The best schools in our area were state schools so there wasn't that but we did cripple ourselves financially to ensure she never had to struggle, tutors too from about year 5.
Now to the current point my daughter is due to start university in September and increasingly as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable, she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth, we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her. So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc. nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know. For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
My husband doesn't see it, still spoils her, has just bought her the most expensive tickets for Taylor Swift and a stupidly expensive laptop, whenever DD asks for money he hands it over, will never tell her off. Prides himself on being a cool dad etc.
I was talking to one of her friends mums when we were waiting to pick them up at the station and she asked if I could have a word with her as my daughter told her daughter she should work out more and she is going to get fat and that obviously upset her daughter. I spoke to my girl and she apologised but the fact she said it all horrifies me. My husband said he didn't see the issue.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I have failed and ruined her!! It was all done is pure love and wanting nothing but the best for her and now she isn't a nice person!!
AIBU to feel like I don't like her? If she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't want to be her friend. What do I do? Can I make this better?

An awful lot of teenagers are sexually harassed at schools. How many girls wear shorts under their skirts because boys try to see their knickers?

Of course it's appalling and in an ideal world it wouldn't happen, but it's not particularly more likely to happen at a part time job than anywhere else the teen might happen to be.

I have a 17 year old. She says she feels sorry for her peers that don't have jobs as she's found hers (she works in a tuition centre) so useful from so many different perspectives.

And my point is that there other ways to learn value of money which don’t involve your examples.

also, the difference between law firm and a pub is that the clients are not drunk (for starters) and young lawyers don’t interact with clients 1-1 anyway

It depends on the job. There are literally statistics about high prevalence of staff harassment in pubs and hospitality industry. From patrons, not just colleagues/managers.

how is school harassment relevant here or makes it okay?

I don’t think I’d use Law as a none harassment example! Solicitor for over 20 yrs I’ve seen plenty I wouldn’t want my teen DD exposed to. There’s a case in Law Society Gazette every few weeks, this is a recent one.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12193491/amp/Married-City-solicitor-bombarded-18-year-old-apprentice-explicit-demands-struck-off.html

Im also a solicitor in magic circle law firms (in house now). Certainly less harassment in a law firm than in a bar with drunk patrons.

She sounds like what we used to describe as a bit of a madam.

Some teenage girls are like this especially if they are wealthy, popular and pretty. Regina George syndrome.

They usually grow out of it but the only area of concern is that she doesn't seem to have much resilience - she gave up job hunting after a day, for example. I would definitely work on her resilience and work ethic. I used to oversee graduate recruitment for my department and kids who came in lazy and entitled did not pass their probation. Some of them woke up and got it together. Most didn't.

Speak to your husband saying that you are concerned about her work ethic and how this will affect her long term life chances. Then agree with him that you will both insist she get a part time job and make sure you present a united front.

She'll probably be OK so don't worry. It's not easy to admit you are less than enamoured of your teen daughter but many mothers feel this way at some point, no shame in it.

Not every pub is full up with drunken idiots they are also places that families can go to eat like the one I worked for. There was never any trouble it was first and foremost a family establishment and my mum wouldn't of allowed me to work there otherwise. I'd be more concerned about the level of harassment that teenage girls are subjected to at schools, even just walk around the local town on your own or with friends there are risks everywhere and weirdos walking around everywhere! I also wouldn't assume that working for a law firm means you are safe from all that either. Being sober doesn't stop people from abusing.

There’s plenty more options than bar work though. My 17 yr old works in fast food her peers work in same or local restaurants waiting on, football refereeing for juniors, primary after school club, lifeguarding..
This is totally irrelevant but reminded of a firm I worked in (law) where new 16 yr old office junior asked which male staff were pervs to try and avoid and was told x…oh he’s my mum’s boyfriend was reply!
I very much think it’s desirable for an older teen/uni age to have a pt or holiday job.

A solicitor who can’t spell “Caesar” ok…

I agree with @Dixiechickonhols sexual harassment in legal professions is well documented.

I see all the comments:‘typical 17 year old’ and I can tell you if you do nothing it will get worse. I have a dc in their 40s who is so entitled and who I have to ask whose fault is it???? Well mine! I spoilt him so it’s my fault! He will willingly spend all his money on fripperies for him like alcohol and going out and ring me for money for rent or bills or holidays! It’s so annoying and he’s not very nice either , how he speaks to others , waiters, staff in shops etc. he’s nothing to be snobby about as he has nothing of his own due to his spending habits. I’ve had to say no more money to him for 2 years and he still asks. He is a nightmare and won’t stop! I have very limited contact now as I can’t take his demands as he keeps on and on.
Funny enough, I think he is an entitled narcissist though I’ve never told him. The narc rage is real, and they don’t care about any hardship they’re causing you as long as you pay up!

Hmm. And with a very poor grass of capitalisation and punctuation, too. Not a solicitor I would engage.

First of all, Im on mumsnet and not writing a work document so I don’t care that much about grammar or spelling here. Second, Im not a native speaker (I can speak fluently in two other languages and spell Caesar in both of them, can you?) so yes, some words I need to double-check when im writing them. Third, I have not even used this word on this thread so not sure who you are talking about.

Oh don’t worry, I don’t work with private clients 🤣 I work in-house in a big corporation now, you are totally safe 🤣

Don't get upset about it, whats done is done. I spoiled my first daughter as I really ever only wanted one and I do regret it because we all want the best for our kids. I learned with second that spoiling does no good, It takes more than just stuff to make a kid happy but again what's done is done.
As for your daughter saying some rather unkind things, remember she's a teenager and the amount of thoughtless stupid things they say can horrify the best of us she will mature and learn not to be unkind as it will be a reflection on her rather than who she is saying it to
And for the not liking part, we love our children but it's ok to not like them sometimes when they overstep the mark but it usually passes quickly.
She's still a teen, she's still young and yes your husband needs to rein in the cash otherwise she will never learn to be an independent person. Presents for birthdays and Christmases only, if she wants something she can save for it, she's at that age now to start being responsible. The only problem you'll have is getting hubby on board and that be another question to ask here with tips and ideas.

I do speak 3 languages actually thanks for asking.

Very good, then you should know better
🤷‍♀️

Better than what? Questioning naive claims about the legal profession?
A profession that had its own #MeToo movement…

You were not questioning my claims about legal profession, you were questioning my spelling as if it somehow strengthens your argument (which it doesn’t).

I have not said anywhere there is zero sexual harassment in legal profession; I have said that it less prevalent than in hospitality industry (where 73% of female staff report it by the way, I'm sure in legal profession it is much less); and that I personally never experienced it.
ALSO, given that we were talking specifically about a 13 year old in a bar example, it is a big difference between an intern or trainee (ie students or graduates so over 18 years old) and a 13 year in impact of harassment and ability to do something about it.

@LimePi In fact, I questioned both.

You minimised the reality of sexual harrassment in the legal profession by claiming that in choosing law you avoided it. That belies the experience of significant numbers of women within the profession. Sexual harassment exists everywhere.

You are twisting my words. 🤷‍♀️I have no interest in continuing this discussion, really. The fact that sexual harassment exists everywhere doesn’t mean that some settings are more risky than others or some ages are more vulnerable than others. If you want to allow your underage daughter to work in a bar from 13 and are sure the prevalence of sexual harassment there is the same as in a law firm, that’s up to you.

Should read “not more risky than others” obvs.
have a great evening.

I don’t think you’ve ruined her at all. I think you’ve given her an aspirational life that she will no doubt maintain
by marrying well and earning high in a well paying job. She’ll be one of those glossy women it’s shiny hair that Mumsnet struggles with.

Who do you know that works in a bar at 13 years old?

There are many different jobs for teenagers apart from working in pubs, restaurants, law firms. It just takes some thought and imagination.

Or, many charities need unpaid volunteers, so this is another angle to explore.

maybe you need to read a thread. There was a poster saying that she worked in a pub at 13 and paid lodge at 16 and it was brought up an example of excellent parenting and teaching independence by her mum that OP should aspire to. I don’t have an issue with teenagers working per se (eg as babysitters or dog walkers at 13-14 for example etc etc) but this particular example was ridiculous.