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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did we ruin daughter by spoiling

378 replies

Daringbear · 17/07/2023 16:11

Hi,
First of all I'm going to be quite vulnerable and I know this is my own doing so please be nice, even if harsh.
My only daughter is 17, she is 18 at the start of August. She was an incredibly wanted child, my husband and I had been trying for 6 years, several miscarriages, failed IVF rounds, it was emotionally the hardest time of my life. When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her. We were 35 and 38 by the time she was born, we had 6 extra years of career advancement so were in a financially good place and could spoil her. We knew we wouldn't have more children so we really put it all into our girl. She was also 5 years younger than her closest in age cousin, of which she only has 3 and all boys, so being the only girl and youngest she was also massively spoilt by grandparents. My husband and I aren't massively social people, we had two close friends who were in similar positions and kids a little older. We live in a town where most people are comfortable financially, the house prices are much higher than the rest of the region, so all of daughters socialising have been with children similar to her.
She was also among the youngest in her year, I was terrified she would feel less than etc. so we pushed our financial limits for piano lessons, ballet, tennis, vocal coaching etc. The best schools in our area were state schools so there wasn't that but we did cripple ourselves financially to ensure she never had to struggle, tutors too from about year 5.
Now to the current point my daughter is due to start university in September and increasingly as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable, she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth, we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her. So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc. nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know. For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
My husband doesn't see it, still spoils her, has just bought her the most expensive tickets for Taylor Swift and a stupidly expensive laptop, whenever DD asks for money he hands it over, will never tell her off. Prides himself on being a cool dad etc.
I was talking to one of her friends mums when we were waiting to pick them up at the station and she asked if I could have a word with her as my daughter told her daughter she should work out more and she is going to get fat and that obviously upset her daughter. I spoke to my girl and she apologised but the fact she said it all horrifies me. My husband said he didn't see the issue.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I have failed and ruined her!! It was all done is pure love and wanting nothing but the best for her and now she isn't a nice person!!
AIBU to feel like I don't like her? If she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't want to be her friend. What do I do? Can I make this better?

OP posts:
AutieNOT0tie · 17/07/2023 20:30

14-18 is awful it doesn't mean she won't be a lovely adult

Threenow · 17/07/2023 20:31

Sunnydays0101 · 17/07/2023 16:21

She doesn’t sound all that bad really. What she said to that girl was something a lot of girls would say to their friends.

Are you sure you are not beginning to resent her growing up and becoming an aging ?

Yes, a lot of girls would say that to their friends - and a lot more wouldn't. The young girls I know wouldn't dream of it, because they are not shallow and value their friends.

She has been spoilt, massively so. I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood, but my parents didn't indulge my every whim.

Sunnydays0101 · 17/07/2023 20:31

Knocking it out of her / get her come-uppance / asking if she’s doing a degree in Karen studies, etc, etc. Talk about mean women/mothers.

Katey83 · 17/07/2023 20:35

Everybody is a dick when they are 17. However, I don’t think it would hurt to have a gentle chat with her where you make it clear she has made some choice that make her seem like a selfish person (such as refusing to work), and making it clear you expect more responsibility now she is nearly an adult. Flirting and so on is normal - she’s just realising she has some sexual power - though obviously cringe as her mother to see that. Again, if you have that kind of relationship you might want to warn her about the pitfalls on relying on her looks instead of developing character and good judgment. Non negotiable should be a job next summer imo.

Hollyppp · 17/07/2023 20:36

Sounds like a normal 17 yo girl to me, I wouldn’t worry too much. She will change as she matures

Threenow · 17/07/2023 20:37

Btw, I don't live in the UK, but the place where I used to work always had school/uni students working in the holidays - and many of them were from wealthy farming families, and some worked at evening jobs during the term. I don't know any student who didn't work their way through uni.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/07/2023 20:39

Btw, I don't live in the UK, but the place where I used to work always had school/uni students working in the holidays - and many of them were from wealthy farming families, and some worked at evening jobs during the term. I don't know any student who didn't work their way through uni

Never mind.

Bathtimebubble · 17/07/2023 20:42

This is some stealth brag

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 17/07/2023 20:42

Fellow IVF Mum here @Daringbear I used to worry about this when we had DD 5, 'luckily' we are not well off DB kindly paid for our IVF so we couldn't spoil in big ways, but I did worry about not seeing when DDs behaviour needed to be checked. I also have autism dx in childhood, so I was worried about not reading things properly. I think it also helped that we were very lucky to be able to have DS too. I know you were not able to have more, but could you spend time with DD with the cousins etc, maybe a bit of gentle teasing from them, will make her see how fortunate she is to be so supported by her DPs at 17/18.

DH and I are both university academics and tbh, I don't think a summer off before university, is that terrible, but I would suggest getting her into a routine of reading the core texts/refreshing her A-level knowledge before she starts, so that it's not a big shock to start working again.

What is she studying and where (fair enough if you don't want to say) but I would set expectations now, especially if she's off to one of the ancient universities. If she gets in with a high social status set, she could spend fortunes trying to 'keep up' as some of the socials/weekends away are very, very expensive.

In sum, don't feel guilty for what is past but change things now.

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 20:44

Bathtimebubble · 17/07/2023 20:42

This is some stealth brag

If it is,.its not a good one

flurbubbly · 17/07/2023 20:45

Far be it for me to suggest posters ever exaggerate, but the "Mumsnet perfect teenager" (who is always hard working, modest, and never ever rude or surly for a moment of their entire adolescence) is a bit like the mythical "Mumsnet chicken" that can feed the 5000.

Meerkatdog · 17/07/2023 20:46

I think I was quite similar to your daughter. I honestly think I was too spoilt. I don't understand why parents spoil kids. There is a reason it's called spoiling, and all it does is hinder a child chances of being happy in society before they've even got to adulthood.

I always had my own way, and I was a little princess and could say whatever I wanted and it was cute or funny or 'ah listen to meerkatdog isn't she clever, so strong minded' etc.
Life just seemed so hard once I was out on my own and people weren't doing everything for me. I had a few really tough lessons to learn and met some people who really took me down a few pegs.
Even now i wouldn't say I'm naturally appreciative, I still have a tendency to expect things from my parents and others. I am a nice person though, and im caring and kind, but I've always really struggled if others are doing better than me. As a child I always had the best of everything, the best holidays, the best toys, the most lenient parents, so now I get very jealous and feel resentful if my life isn't as good as other people's objectively. I've also suffered low level depression for years as an adult, life has always seemed a disappointment since I hit the real world.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/07/2023 20:49

Oh dear, she is really lacking in grace and humility isn’t she?
Not to worry, I’m sure she’ll soon learn some at uni and the big wide world of work

Iolani · 17/07/2023 20:53

Re Uni
If you say you’re paying for accommodation, be warned
Shell probably choose the most expensive.
She should apply for the student loan, I’m guessing you earn too much for her to get the maximum so you top up the amount the student loan guys tell you to to bring it to the maximum maintenance loan. And that’s it.
Nothing more.

Then she’s is the same situation as most and will have to get a job if she wants to feed her expensive tastes.

This is what we did with our boys. They weren’t extravagant anyway and not spoilt but were private boarding school boys and we wanted them to live like everyone else.

beAsensible1 · 17/07/2023 20:54

honestly going to uni and getting a job will sort that out pretty quickly.

you and your DH need to have a chat about the money stuff though,

Stop the allowance and let her learn the value of it.

ToWhitToWhoo · 17/07/2023 20:59

Bathtimebubble · 17/07/2023 20:42

This is some stealth brag

Not eveeything is a stealth brag! Life isn't just a bragging competition, and few people see it as such- unless they've spent too much time on some forms of social media.

3WildOnes · 17/07/2023 21:02

I went to one if the old unis that had a high percentage of privately educated students. Hardly any of my friends had student loans or had ever had a job. I don't think she will particularly stand out at uni as being overindulged.

PomegranateRose · 17/07/2023 21:02

Lots of sound advice already. Mostly just surprised how many people think it's normal for a 17 year old to be an arse to this extent. Certainly wouldn't have flown with my parents, or indeed my friend group.

Bit worried for the world if her behaviour is "normal" for a teen, to be quite honest.

LunaTheCat · 17/07/2023 21:03

Actually she sounds as though the sort of young woman who made my life a misery whist I was struggling- very dysfunctional upbringing, , inadequate clothing, no money for the instrument levels I desperately wanted.
sll is not lost, you need to decrease her allowance, at home if she wants money then she has to work for it.
As a family don’t have Christmas dinner at home… go together to those who care for homeless. Have discussions about what happens in some peoples lives in society. Make sure as family you are focused on those with less.
Go charity shopping with her
yhrte are heaps you can do! Good luck!

Goldbar · 17/07/2023 21:11

She'll be fine. There will be lots of spoilt and over-protected kids at university for whom relying on themselves comes as a bit of a shock. She'll fit right in with them and they'll all learn to cope and hopefully come back for the holidays more appreciative of everything their parents do for them.

ginghamstarfish · 17/07/2023 21:12

Sorry OP, but any parent who spoils their child is actually doing them a massive disservice. She will be in for some unpleasant surprises when she leaves home and has to deal with people who don't treat her as you have done, and may find it hard to make decent and genuine friends. If she's lucky she'll sort herself out to some extent.

Sushiandunagi · 17/07/2023 21:13

I was a spoilt kid. Never had a job until I graduated uni - had everything I wanted. I wasn’t pleasant at all when I was 17… life however taught me humility. It’s unavoidable.

JazbayGrapes · 17/07/2023 21:21

I spat out my tea reading this. The daughter seems ok. But OP sounds like a right cow.

Macaroni46 · 17/07/2023 21:25

3WildOnes · 17/07/2023 21:02

I went to one if the old unis that had a high percentage of privately educated students. Hardly any of my friends had student loans or had ever had a job. I don't think she will particularly stand out at uni as being overindulged.

Exactly this!

42wordsfordrizzle · 17/07/2023 21:51

I agree with a pp that you're being too hard on yourself and on her - she's only 17!

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about supporting her to be more independent. A summer job is a good idea, to build self reliance - and her CV, but I wouldn't push too hard about a term time job while she's in university, as depending on where and what she's studying she may not have time or be able to get a decent part time job.

But I think you need to talk to her about being kinder - telling a friend she's getting fat is mean girl behaviour, and she needs to be called out on it.

I don't think she's going to get crucified in uni - it's not a high security prison she's going to as some pps think - but encourage her to get involved in some societies, especially sport, so she makes a good range of friends, other than girls with nice handbags to drink cocktails with.