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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did we ruin daughter by spoiling

378 replies

Daringbear · 17/07/2023 16:11

Hi,
First of all I'm going to be quite vulnerable and I know this is my own doing so please be nice, even if harsh.
My only daughter is 17, she is 18 at the start of August. She was an incredibly wanted child, my husband and I had been trying for 6 years, several miscarriages, failed IVF rounds, it was emotionally the hardest time of my life. When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her. We were 35 and 38 by the time she was born, we had 6 extra years of career advancement so were in a financially good place and could spoil her. We knew we wouldn't have more children so we really put it all into our girl. She was also 5 years younger than her closest in age cousin, of which she only has 3 and all boys, so being the only girl and youngest she was also massively spoilt by grandparents. My husband and I aren't massively social people, we had two close friends who were in similar positions and kids a little older. We live in a town where most people are comfortable financially, the house prices are much higher than the rest of the region, so all of daughters socialising have been with children similar to her.
She was also among the youngest in her year, I was terrified she would feel less than etc. so we pushed our financial limits for piano lessons, ballet, tennis, vocal coaching etc. The best schools in our area were state schools so there wasn't that but we did cripple ourselves financially to ensure she never had to struggle, tutors too from about year 5.
Now to the current point my daughter is due to start university in September and increasingly as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable, she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth, we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her. So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc. nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know. For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
My husband doesn't see it, still spoils her, has just bought her the most expensive tickets for Taylor Swift and a stupidly expensive laptop, whenever DD asks for money he hands it over, will never tell her off. Prides himself on being a cool dad etc.
I was talking to one of her friends mums when we were waiting to pick them up at the station and she asked if I could have a word with her as my daughter told her daughter she should work out more and she is going to get fat and that obviously upset her daughter. I spoke to my girl and she apologised but the fact she said it all horrifies me. My husband said he didn't see the issue.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I have failed and ruined her!! It was all done is pure love and wanting nothing but the best for her and now she isn't a nice person!!
AIBU to feel like I don't like her? If she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't want to be her friend. What do I do? Can I make this better?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 17/07/2023 21:52

She sounds like a completely normal 17 year old to me. It’s normal to think parents are somewhat tragic.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/07/2023 22:03

I don't think she's going to get crucified in uni - it's not a high security prison she's going to as some pps think - but encourage her to get involved in some societies, especially sport, so she makes a good range of friends, other than girls with nice handbags to drink cocktails wit

She already plays sport and does gym.

I think some posters have created this mean girl persona. She's popular and described by her contemporaries as " nice and friendly " .
This isn't Lindsey Lohan.

Joeylove88 · 17/07/2023 22:03

As others have said she will soon get a shock of reality at Uni when she isn't treated like the princess she thinks she is. The problem in this situation sounds like your husband who is just giving her anything she wants without question. She should learn the value of hardwork by earning her own money by now. I'm my mums only child and was spoilt growing up (still am sometimes!) But I was told I needed to get a job if I wanted to spend money on clothes, my phone etc. First job as a waitress at age 13 and I had to pay mum a small amount of 'lodge' from age 16. I'm so grateful because it definitely made me more humble and independent!

sunglassesonthetable · 17/07/2023 22:04

Sorry OP, but any parent who spoils their child is actually doing them a massive disservice. She will be in for some unpleasant surprises when she leaves home and has to deal with people who don't treat her as you have done, and may find it hard to make decent and genuine friends. If she's lucky she'll sort herself out to some extent.

What like the friends she's already made at school? She's popular, nice and friendly.

Mamai90 · 17/07/2023 22:09

I'm surprised people saying that telling your friend to go to the gym more is typical teenager behaviour, it's really not. I would never have said that to my friend, none of my group would have. I can only think of one friend who would have made that kind of comment and she did grow up to be a narcissist, I'm not saying all do but it's definitely not a typical teenage way to behave. The friend I'm talking about was also very spoilt as a child growing up, and I've since read that there can be a link to being spoilt as a child and narcissistic behaviour.

It sounds like your DH is a real problem here OP. You're prepared to pull things back a little but sounds like he won't follow suit and by the sounds of things that could actually be detrimental to your relationship with your daughter because you'll be the mean parent. Your husband really needs to get on board for things to change.

curlymom · 17/07/2023 22:10

MissyB1 · 17/07/2023 19:38

Really? Ok well my 3 ds must be quite odd then 🤔

My eldest two had summer jobs from age 16, and in fact Saturday jobs as well through their A level years. Both worked through Uni. Neither would have dreamed of sneering at me.

Third ds is 14, and asked me at the beginning of his summer holidays if he could earn extra pocket money by doing gardening and other jobs around the house. From a young age he has known that you don’t comment on how people look.

I would be disappointed if my any of my boys were as entitled and lacking in empathy as OP describes her dd being.

Show quote history

My children are lovely too but not all are the same. Growing up is a difficult journey and harder for some than others. OP daughter sounds like a teen growing up. Not nice to judge her badly

MissyB1 · 17/07/2023 22:24

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 20:15

Brilliant. Completely perfect were they?

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That’s not perfect, that’s normal isn’t it? 🤷‍♀️

Iolani · 17/07/2023 22:28

MissyB1 · 17/07/2023 22:24

That’s not perfect, that’s normal isn’t it? 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

No, not really.
Many kids don’t live anywhere near somewhere to work
Some kids have school on Saturdays
Some kids board
Some kids have private tuition at weekends
Some kids spend every other weekend at their other parents house no where near their main home town
Etc etc etc etc

sheworemellowyellow · 17/07/2023 22:32

FlowersInTheSky · 17/07/2023 16:27

You can’t do anything for her now. It’s too late. You had your time and it’s gone, so life’s going to do it for her, which really is one of the cruellest things you could have done to her.

Giving your child everything they want and not having any boundaries is not love. Love is bringing your child up to be a civilised, likeable human who can navigate the world themselves. You have not done that.

This is one of the most awful things I've read in my 12+ years on this forum. It's vicious, false, unhelpful and malicious. Shame on you.

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 22:37

sheworemellowyellow · 17/07/2023 22:32

This is one of the most awful things I've read in my 12+ years on this forum. It's vicious, false, unhelpful and malicious. Shame on you.

Show quote history

I agree.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/07/2023 22:40

That’s not perfect, that’s normal isn’t it? 🤷‍♀️

You were only just saying yours were odd weren't you?

Ah I get it - a stealth boast.

Superhanz · 17/07/2023 22:42

And if she's gorgeous and charming and friendly and nice and popular( like her friends say she is )

You can be a prize bitch and people will say this about you if you're rich and gorgeous, certainly in High School anyway. Some of the meanest bullies have their arses kissed and are told how wonderful they are because everyone wants to be on their good side. That's how it is at school. That's how it's ALWAYS been.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/07/2023 22:45

You can be a prize bitch and people will say this about you if you're rich and gorgeous, certainly in High School anyway. Some of the meanest bullies have their arses kissed and are told how wonderful they are because everyone wants to be on their good side. That's how it is at school. That's how it's ALWAYS been.

Of course. And you can also be nice and people say it.

So?

momtoboys · 17/07/2023 22:50

I can understand why you did it, but you have done your daughter no favors by making her feel like a princess. I fear she will either get her hat handed to her in Uni or be surrounded by many just like her and she won't like that either!

changeyerheadworzel · 17/07/2023 22:52

FlowersInTheSky · 17/07/2023 16:27

You can’t do anything for her now. It’s too late. You had your time and it’s gone, so life’s going to do it for her, which really is one of the cruellest things you could have done to her.

Giving your child everything they want and not having any boundaries is not love. Love is bringing your child up to be a civilised, likeable human who can navigate the world themselves. You have not done that.

You ain't so civilised and likeable yourself. Vile post.

Superhanz · 17/07/2023 23:16

sunglassesonthetable · 17/07/2023 22:45

You can be a prize bitch and people will say this about you if you're rich and gorgeous, certainly in High School anyway. Some of the meanest bullies have their arses kissed and are told how wonderful they are because everyone wants to be on their good side. That's how it is at school. That's how it's ALWAYS been.

Of course. And you can also be nice and people say it.

So?

Of course, but the liklihood is (certainly from OPs description) that it's the former.

I'm only going from what I've read, she doesn't sound like a nice person, her own mother said she's not a nice person! And what she said to her friend was just plain nasty.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/07/2023 23:27

*Of course, but the liklihood is (certainly from OPs description) that it's the former.

I'm only going from what I've read, she doesn't sound like a nice person, her own mother said she's not a nice person! And what she said to her friend was just plain nasty.*

Sorry doesn't sound like that me.Sounds pretty much like a 17 year old I'd say. Doing 17 year old things really.

A lot of reaching going on to turn her into a mean girl extraordinaire.

Cailin66 · 17/07/2023 23:58

Screamingabdabz · 17/07/2023 16:29

You gave her everything except grace and humility. I think it’s not too late to call her out on some of her unkind and imperious behaviour. And - unrelated - but how did you manage to get Swift tickets?

We purchased 8 Swift tickets for Dublin. We had two pre codes. Got the first four tickets 15 minutes after queue opened. Probably 30 to 45 min for the second four. I’m paying for three, and another three are sold to a friend already. I’ve been emailed last week that I will get a code for the open sale, but another email said it was a wait list for the code. Won’t be buying anymore though. I registered with Ticketmaster within an hour of the tour announcement.

Isittimeformynapyet · 18/07/2023 00:07

FlowersInTheSky · 17/07/2023 16:27

You can’t do anything for her now. It’s too late. You had your time and it’s gone, so life’s going to do it for her, which really is one of the cruellest things you could have done to her.

Giving your child everything they want and not having any boundaries is not love. Love is bringing your child up to be a civilised, likeable human who can navigate the world themselves. You have not done that.

Charming.

I guess it's too late for you too then?

Superhanz · 18/07/2023 00:23

A lot of reaching going on to turn her into a mean girl extraordinaire.

There's no reaching, the only person who KNOWS her on here has described her as shallow and unlikeable and she was clearly horrible to her friend too.

You don't know her, you're the one who's 'reaching' like she's a typical 17 year old. She's not, most 17 year olds are not like this. And if you're raising children who behave in a similar way let me tell you that it's not normal behaviour and you're an enabler. The kind of mother we all dread.

sunglassesonthetable · 18/07/2023 00:26

You don't know her, you're the one who's 'reaching' like she's a typical 17 year old. She's not, most 17 year olds are not like this. And if you're raising children who behave in a similar way let me tell you that it's not normal behaviour and you're an enabler. The kind of mother we all dread.

😂😂😂😂

" the kind of mother we all dread .."

Lots of 17 year olds are like this.

LimePi · 18/07/2023 03:41

Joeylove88 · 17/07/2023 22:03

As others have said she will soon get a shock of reality at Uni when she isn't treated like the princess she thinks she is. The problem in this situation sounds like your husband who is just giving her anything she wants without question. She should learn the value of hardwork by earning her own money by now. I'm my mums only child and was spoilt growing up (still am sometimes!) But I was told I needed to get a job if I wanted to spend money on clothes, my phone etc. First job as a waitress at age 13 and I had to pay mum a small amount of 'lodge' from age 16. I'm so grateful because it definitely made me more humble and independent!

First job at 13!!! This is nuts.
im very successful and financially supported my mother and younger sister since I was 23 (so not work shy) but I would never in my right mind demand work from 13 🙈 children need time to be children. And to study.
shitty waitressing jobs are not going to help them more than actual interests or jobs in their field.
this obsession with making children work some low level jobs ‘just because’ is bizarre

stillavid · 18/07/2023 05:36

How much does someone want to bet me that in 10 years the daughter will be on here talking about going NC with her mother who has only ever seen the worst in her?

And where has OP gone?

Jujubes5 · 18/07/2023 06:20

She is a happy, popular, fun girl. Just enjoy her.
Only thing I would say is make sure you have money saved for your later years, pension, Isas etc.
Her demands in the future for help with buying a car, house, child care etc might affect your own life, especially if DH always gives in.

olympicsrock · 18/07/2023 07:20

She must be ok to her friends if they say she is nice and friendly.
Sounds like she is a entitled at the moment- DH needs to stop bankrolling her or she has no motivation to get a part time job. You both need to be on the same page

Your objection to her flirting is awful. Sounds like you are jealous of her looks . Are you also jealous that she has twisted DH round her little finger ?