Did we ruin daughter by spoiling

[Daringbear]

Hi,
First of all I'm going to be quite vulnerable and I know this is my own doing so please be nice, even if harsh.
My only daughter is 17, she is 18 at the start of August. She was an incredibly wanted child, my husband and I had been trying for 6 years, several miscarriages, failed IVF rounds, it was emotionally the hardest time of my life. When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her. We were 35 and 38 by the time she was born, we had 6 extra years of career advancement so were in a financially good place and could spoil her. We knew we wouldn't have more children so we really put it all into our girl. She was also 5 years younger than her closest in age cousin, of which she only has 3 and all boys, so being the only girl and youngest she was also massively spoilt by grandparents. My husband and I aren't massively social people, we had two close friends who were in similar positions and kids a little older. We live in a town where most people are comfortable financially, the house prices are much higher than the rest of the region, so all of daughters socialising have been with children similar to her.
She was also among the youngest in her year, I was terrified she would feel less than etc. so we pushed our financial limits for piano lessons, ballet, tennis, vocal coaching etc. The best schools in our area were state schools so there wasn't that but we did cripple ourselves financially to ensure she never had to struggle, tutors too from about year 5.
Now to the current point my daughter is due to start university in September and increasingly as I view her more and more as an adult I realise she isn't very likeable, she isn't lazy, she is always busy but never doing anything of worth, we told her to get a summer job, she looked for a day said they sounded boring and gave up, my husband still gives her, an allowance, refuses to stop and I find it impossible to be mad at her. So her summer has been spent shopping, enjoying the sun, playing sports, being with friends, going to the gym etc. nothing actually useful. She also has expensive taste and the only way I can describe it is she comes across snobby, she will talk down to me if she thinks my clothes are cheap etc.
She was very popular in school and sixth form, always had loads of friends and her reputation amongst them seems different than the girl I know. For the year book they got random people in the year to comment on the person and several of my daughters were about her being nice/friendly.
The other issue which is pretty new, she is a massive flirt!! She is very naturally pretty, tall, slim, blonde etc. and she is definitely not afraid to flaunt this. I hate it, she can come across very shallow. She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.
If I were to sum her up I'd use words like, smart, beautiful and eloquent but also shallow, snobby, stuck up and narcissistic. I hate that these are words I'd want to use.
My husband doesn't see it, still spoils her, has just bought her the most expensive tickets for Taylor Swift and a stupidly expensive laptop, whenever DD asks for money he hands it over, will never tell her off. Prides himself on being a cool dad etc.
I was talking to one of her friends mums when we were waiting to pick them up at the station and she asked if I could have a word with her as my daughter told her daughter she should work out more and she is going to get fat and that obviously upset her daughter. I spoke to my girl and she apologised but the fact she said it all horrifies me. My husband said he didn't see the issue.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I have failed and ruined her!! It was all done is pure love and wanting nothing but the best for her and now she isn't a nice person!!
AIBU to feel like I don't like her? If she wasn't my daughter I wouldn't want to be her friend. What do I do? Can I make this better?

And?

No matter how much she wants to boast and be unpleasant, there's always going to be someone more well off than she is to boast more.

She sounds fairly normal for 17, I work with teenagers (tbf at an independent school, so well-off ones) and you could be describing pretty much any of them.

It sounds like you've given her a great start in life with lots of enrichment opportunities. She'll be fine.

I really don't think you need to worry ad she doesn't sound like a bad kid. Teenagers notoriously lack empathy and have little experience of the real world, although they really think they know it all and are only too happy to share their pearls of wisdom, no matter what! I was worried my two daughters were very indulged and spoilt as teenagers, but fast forward 7 years and they have both graduated university and become lovely adults.

There isn't much you can do if Dad just gives her what she wants. You will become horrible Mum and he will be cool Dad, even though he is doing her no favours at all.

Could you make her pay for the VIP extras herself next time? That does sound a wee bit indulgent of your DH. It'll be a hell of a shock going to live in halls on a minimum maintenance loan.

Both of my dc pay board. We don't need them to do so financially, but, gently, that's not the point. 😊

I think you should cut yourself and your daughter some slack, OP. She's 17 and she knows sod all about the world- at uni she'll learn a lot more, which is one of the reasons she's going. You've also given her a firm foundation of feeling loved and having high expectations for herself, neither of which is a bad thing once she learns the importance of hard work and a bit more empathy.

Our brains aren't mature until we're 25. This version of your daughter is just that- a version- not the finished article.

MN is always very harsh on spoiled kids and spoiling parents so you'll almost certainly be told here that she's the worst child imaginable and you're the worst parent. Neither is true. I would have a word with your husband though about the importance of letting her develop some independence and knowledge of the world rather than shielding her from all disappointments.

OP: "When our daughter was born 5 weeks early, and so desperately wanted all we wanted to do was spoil her"

Surely you didn't actually intend to spoil her? (Even though you clearly have)
She'll be fine at university btw - I met many girls like that - you said she's pretty and flirty - she will do fine as everyone will bend over backwards for her like they always have. She'll probably be part of the college in-crowd straight away. It may not be fair, but it's true.

I used to have a friend who has been spoilt all his life by his parents as the only son and spent his teens looking down on other people and acting like he was better than them. He's now late 40s, has never really worked in his life and still looks down on people and thinks he's better than them.

In some ways he's a really nice person and in other ways he's one of the most annoying people I know and I do now actively avoid him just so I don't have to have another conversation in which he tells me about his new Ferrari or his 1st class £30k trip to America (all paid for by his parents from what I can see).

He also now has children that are equally spoilt and look down on everyone.

Anyway, his parents haven't done him any favours and life somehow hasn't knocked the idiocy out of him, in many ways he's got worse with age and is even more of a snob!!

Well said.

Why does it turn your stomach if your daughter flirts with waiters? Are you sure you're not just reacting to her getting older?

You say she's not doing anything of worth which sounds pretty harsh. If you want her to get a summer job you need to set boundaries but it's not exactly like working in retail is inherently moral compared to going to the gym and seeing friends.

No I think I did want to spoil her, I never wanted her to want for anything, half of her baby clothes were designer etc. I remember saying to my husband when she was born that she was our little princess and she would want for nothing!! Upon reflection awful parenting mantra, but I was caught up in so so many emotions and just so happy to have her I wanted the perfect life for her.

I think you are being a bit hard on her and yourself. It does sound like she has a lot of material things and your DH should rein that in a bit but other than that she sounds pretty typical for her age. Most late teenagers are not at their best as they are very self centred and learning how the world works. She will grow up in the next few years and hopefully become more self aware.

I can't tell if you're responsible or not OP because there's nothing in your post about the way you parented her with regards to the important stuff.
Having a good standard of living, lots of material things and extra curricula activities doesn't form a personality and behaviour. Otherwise all privileged people would be horrible and all disadvantaged ones would be lovely.
The aspects of personality that are not inate (and theres no real consensus on the role of nature v nurture) come from the values and attitudes we see role modelled, and the behaviours that are positively reinforced.
If you brought her up to be kind, non judgemental, empathic and to have respect for others, then her current behaviour is despite her upbringing, not because of it. Her peer group will also be a greater influence than you now, and may well have been for some time.
Your DH isn't helping, as he's trying to buy her regard and is showing himself too scared to challenge her, which is a poor message. You probably see the very worst of her, as you seem to have taught her you exist merely as her devoted servants, so she sees no need to moderate herself around you.

Having your peers not want anything to do with you and having no motivation or work ethic is nobody’s idea of a “perfect life”.

Being universally disliked will be hell for her.

I expect she has no resilience, as you have spent every waking moment ensuring she never experiences any negative emotion and therefore can't deal with any setbacks. It's quite common and you're not alone.
Yes, it's too late to teach her anything now. Think back to the first series of Girl's when Hannah's parents cut her off. It takes her a very long (some might say tedious) time to discover how to be an adult.
At least you have recognised the pattern and can work on yourself to avoid falling back into the routine. You may not be able to enforce compliance by your husband. That is the sort of setback that is good to learn to acknowledge, accept and move on from. Perhaps your daughter will learn from watching you model your own resilience.

You've a husband problem tbh. I dont think either of them will change now. Hopefully uni will show her a new path. If she doesn't give up at the first hurdle...

She will blatantly flirt with waiters etc. even Infront of me, it turns my stomach.

Your daughter flirting, which is totally normal, especially at her age, "turns your stomach?" WTF, op. I find your viseral reaction to her flirting quite disturbing, honestly.

Frankly this sounds like a DH problem as much as a DD one
There's nothing wrong with trying to give our DCs the best we can, but doing it at the expense of their own characters can be unwise, and as PPs haved said god help her when she moves to Uni / into work / into relationships

She'll learn in time of course, but what a shame it's been made that much harder for her when the lessons start arriving

OP, we had bugger all when the DC were tiny, nothing material anyway. But we had time, energy and tons of love and boundaries, even if they wore hand me downs and we are picnics in the local parks. I'm actually really glad - both are early 20's, give no hoots about designer clothes, and are decent, solid, kind people. If you've done that too - I'm sure it'll be fine, but designer clothes do not make a perfect upbringing. 😊

'We had

The only things I see wrong are that she looked down on you and your clothes, and that she told her friend she was fat, and it may be that she is using her looks to flirt inappropriately. The first two things are unkind and haughty and yes you should speak to her. The last thing is harmful to herself if she continues, she will use her looks to manipulate others or to validate her own worth. So yes, speak to her about it. She needs to realize that integrity, and honor in conducting oneself and how one treats others, is paramount.

Enjoying her summer before university is ok I think. Nothing wrong with that. If the above is all she’s ever done wrong then you’ve got a good kid, Op. She just needs guidance and a reacquainting with her conscience and sense of ethics. For a teenager, par for the course I’d say.

You've given her a good start in life. She's going to university now, that is a whole other world that will help mould her into a better person when she gets her arse handed to her for being a dick. She will learn. You shouldn't feel bad for not making her suffer.

The only bad thing is what she said to her mate about weight.

other than that, sounds like she’s fine. Let her be a young adult! Reduce the allowance if you want but sounds normal.

she’ll figure it out.

There could be cause for some reflection here, OP. You're worried about some "snobby" and superficial traits you're seeing in your DD, but at the same time, part of your idea of giving your baby a perfect life included designer baby clothes. I'm not trying to be snarky here at all, promise, it's just that it might be more that you're seeing some things reflected back at you that you don't like, when you see them objectively (as in, when you see how others respond and how she comes across).

If you're concerned and uncomfortable with her focus on material things and appearance, etc., why not try finding some pursuits and interests yourself that are less about things, money and status, and see if you can introduce them to the both of you. Bond over, for example, an interest in walking/the outdoors/birdwatching, or find topics of discussion you're both interested in, or work on the house together, anything really, that could bring some different aspects and traits out of both of you.

She is 17...

And yes, you probably have enabled the self entitled attitude, but you need to speak to your husband and agree what you are going to do for university, and stick to it. You need to parent from the same book!

Kids sort themselves out so just accept she will no doubt make mistakes and learn from them.