Do I go on holiday or save my money for ivf?

[gonetoseethewizard]

I've had the worst 3 years of my entire life (family troubles and fertility issues) and I'm at complete rock bottom mentally. We last went on holiday 5 years ago and would really like to go again. The holiday isn't cheap - it's approx. 6 grand. (Destination isn't negotiable as it's the only place we want to go, I've made it as cheap as possible too).

However...

It's looking more and more likely that I will need ivf for any chance of conception (one blocked tube, ttc for almost two years).

I'm really concerned about spending our money on a holiday when I will more than likely need it for ivf treatments in the near future. I feel so guilty to spend it all on a holiday but I know this is the last holiday we'd have for a long while again due to treatment and my parents are getting more dependant on us so I wouldn't be able to leave them much longer.
We just seriously need a break before facing anything else.

Do I forget the holiday and save the money for ivf? Or do I go on holiday and then either take out a loan or continue to save for ivf afterwards?

Hi Op, just another voice to say I would go for the holiday. I am currently going through IVF (also one free round) and it really is tough emotionally so anything you can do to help reduce your stress now will help. You also may have a bit of a wait for NHS treatment (giving you more time to save). And you never know, it might work first time, it does happen. I might have had a different view on the choice prior to being in this position, so personally I would heed the advice of those that have been there. Take care xx

It comes down to how long it will take you to save up £6k again.

Also, how much you actually need for IVF (ie would you need the £6k upfront or would it be staggered over a few months, giving you even more time to save)

@howmanytimesagain

No, it would take us around 6 months I think - given we have no unforeseen financial circumstances.

They can also have both if they don't, just not at the same time.

downgrading a specific longed for holiday experience is just going to be a disappointment.

Then it's a no brainier. Get that holiday booked now

@Walker12

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you are also in this position - it's so difficult.
I hope all goes well for you xx

Both times we've been to the same destination and we love it so much that we just don't want to go anywhere else.

Just two trips have eliminated any other possibility. That sounds like a very fixed, rigid mindset. From what I hear, IVF is a rollercoaster of uncertainty and lack of any personal control.

Those are such wildly opposite frames of thinking, I'm wondering if your mental health problem is actually deeper than you realise and that trip could do it more harm than good.

The worst result would to go to your special dream place and be disappointed, full of regret, but isn't that a high possibility in your current frame of mind? You're overwhelmed by baby-longing, you already feel racked with "guilt". Those feelings won't disappear as you step off the plane.

It will take you 6 months to save it up again? In that case definitely the holiday!

You have age on your side, and you plan to go through the NHS first. Sounds like by the time you need the money, you should be almost there with savings.

100% the holiday. It sounds like both of you could really do with it.

@gonetoseethewizard the trouble is, they're not the same thing. Conceiving doesn't cost unless you need fertility treatment, so it's not a level playing field. And yes, it's not fair, but it's how it is. You could relax and get away from it all equally in a different destination. There's some absolutely amazing places in the world that wouldn't cost as much.

I think you would really benefit from a holiday but I just don't understand why you refuse to broaden your mind and consider another location? It surely doesn't have to be all-of-nothing does it?

I don't think anyone is trying to hurt you, just trying to get our heads around your refusal to consider a compromise. Trust me, there are compromises galore when you have a baby, and I mean that kindly x

when you have a child and elderly parents, you won't be able to take big holidays to overseas locations.

Plus with stress + uncertainty in the future, it helps to start to see things differently.

can you find a UK holiday location and go away for 4-5 days just to have a change of scene? It won't cost much at all but might help you see the world in a different way. To see that there is not only one solution to a problem.

What I'm trying to say is, going to your perfect holiday destination is not the ONLY solution, and having successful IVF is not the ONLY solution. If you let yourself feel that only one thing in the world will make you happy, then it is much harder to be happy.

try a small scale completely different kind of holiday. Try out a different way to be happy. it will not be perfect, but it might give you a new way to think about all the types of uncertainty in the future.

If the holiday means that you see your parents then definitely go on holiday

Snap! My CRGH IVF baby (who is now a teenager) is worth a million holidays. I had two blocked tubes and it worked first time. I know this isn't the case for everyone but at least with blocked tubes you know the cause and (assuming no other issues for you or DH) it's essentially mechanical and IVF circumvents the problem.

You mentioned just one tube is blocked so not sure if you've tried to conceive since finding that out? My sister conceived all three of her babies with one tube after an ectopic. If you haven't tried since finding out about your blocked tube it might be worth having an HSG to see how the other tube is. If it's clear and you are ovulating you have every chance of conceiving naturally using that one tube and then you can have the amazing holiday without worry.

Whatever you decide I hope your fertility journey is an easy one going forward and if you do go private CRGH are amazing.

@MumOfOneAwesomeHuman

Thank you - I am looking into that clinic since I saw that comment. Im nowhere near London though so unsure if I would be suitable.

Yeah I've been ttc for two years with the blocked tube unfortunately :( I've had an hsg, laparoscopy and hysteroscopy but the tube is way beyond salvageable. I have read so much online about one tube being enough but it's obviously just not working for us! :(

Thank you xx

I’d go on the holiday OP. Firstly because you need the break, and secondly because you’ll be then going into potentially years of IVF, and if successful will then have a child to take on holiday with you.

Florida is our go to but we can only afford that every 4/5 years and now it’s very different with a child in tow. I’m glad we had visits before him too. I like to go on holiday every year though so we do a 3k holiday and then every 5 years florida. We’ve been to 20+ destinations and they’ve all been incredible so I’d never rule anything out. But I do get the desire to go to your special place.

Hello - I’ve only skimmed this thread, so apologies if I’m repeating comments you’ve already had. I had IVF to have my little boy, in the midst of covid, and an unexpected diagnosis of thyroid cancer in the middle. I mostly wanted to say how sorry I am that you’re going through this. I say this from a really privileged position now, but my only real advice is to take care of yourself, whatever that might mean for you - including holidays. You don’t know what will happen next, and being as healthy and happy as possible is one way to prepare for the unexpected. Very best of luck 💐

save money for IVF. Do something nice at home X

IVF. Sorry but £6k on a holiday when you potentially need to pay for IVF in the near future is ridiculous to me.

I know people are saying go on holiday for your mental health, but there are 1000s of locations you could go to for less than £1k to get a relaxing break if you need it. You may want to go on the £6k holiday, but it isn’t essential to having a nice time.

Did the HSG show the other tube is working ok? Has your DH been checked? My DH had an issue when we were first checked but a simple op corrected it and he went on to have what the clinic described as super sperm! But because I had an exotic and they identified the issue with my remaining tube, they didn't look at my DH. It was like - oh that's the issue, blocked tubes - but we were dealing with two issues without knowing. Anyway if he hasn't had a sperm count done definitely get one just in case.

The other thing I recall is that I found out my tubes were blocked because I had an ectopic, they saw that the other tube - the really blocked one - was filling with fluid every month and they said that would stop me conceiving because (sorry so gross but the liquid would be sort of squirted back into the womb every month and could affect a pregnancy - think it was called a Hydrosalpinx). Anyway I had the tube removed (on the NHS) before starting IVF on the recommendation of the IVF clinic.

So if you had the same thing, then it could be that your bad tube is causing very early pregnancy loss or stopping implantation. If you had the bad tube removed, it might help with natural conception. I definitely think a private consultation would be worth while. People travel to CRGH from all over. If you can get to London it's worth it for the level of care and knowledge and their success rates are very high.

Sorry you are going through this - it's really hard. I remember feeling like the world was ending as I wanted to be a mum so much. But we found a way through and our daughter is everything to us and the holidays we've had with her have been way more special than any we had alone as a couple.

I might have missed it but how far along in the process for ivf on the nhs are you?

Ha ha! ECTOPIC not EXOTIC! Auto correct going crazy!

Personally I would go on the holiday. Enjoy it. Take time out. Work on your relationship and the complications infertility brings. it will help your mental health and give you a break from everything!
you can always make more money. And hopefully first time IVF works.

@MumOfOneAwesomeHuman

😂 exotic

Yeah I the hsg showed my other tube is open and healthy. No hydrosalpinx in either - I specifically asked about this as I read a lot in the lead up to my surgery. I had a scan beforehand which suggested I might have this in that tube but the laparoscopy showed I didn't. My hsg was performed at the same time as laparoscopy too so my surgeon actually saw it all. The scan was incorrect as it actually turned out to be a corpus luteum (spelling - sorry!) cyst on that ovary and not hydrosalpinx. My nhs letter after states that No hydrosalpinx was present too.

Sorry you're having such a tough time. I think you're making the right decision, I feel you would struggle to relax on holiday if you're so conflicted about going. Really interested to hear where the holiday place was. Very best of luck for your journey x

Same thoughts as a lot of others - have all other standard issues been ruled out, has your partner been screened also? What the state of the better tube etc?

Has your gyn/consultant discussed your likely success rate with IVF? I found that my gynaecologist was far more blunt about the success changes than any of the IVF clinics themselves. I know there are no guarantees but have you all the information around this or was it a case of let's get the tubes checked first and then discuss other options etc?

You sound burnt out and could do with a break and have reasons why it's this holiday or no holiday. It'll also take you 6 months to save it so effectively you could probably borrow the money upfront do as not to delay things and repay it over 6 months.

Hope it all works out for you.