What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

Put her name down for the nursery, but in the meantime accept your mums offer of every other week option, and do that until nursery becomes available.

I’ve only read your comments, but whilst I would be equally annoyed about the short notice, I think it was always going to be unsustainable for your mum to do this - better to know now than when you’ve actually started your position. I hope you can sort out childcare between the two nurseries, and don’t forget to look at childminders as an alternative to make up the days - a combo of nursery and childminder can work really well.

If your mum is keen to help though, seriously don’t underestimate the value of having family available for school holiday care for your eldest (assuming she is able to manage his needs) - working full time and 13 weeks a year school holidays are a very healed thing to marry up without that kind of support, especially with SEN factored in.

Not unreasonable at all. She offered, you took her up on it, she’s changed her mind last minute. She should have thought it through properly from outset and let you know what she could realistically offer, as it has now impacted what you can do or meant you have to rush to try to arrange something else last minute.

She needs to start in October though

This has to be a reverse surely??

Are your parents usually reliable? Or do they chop and change a lot? If they’re not reliable normally then don’t use them for childcare at all. Otherwise Is there some kind of compromise that would work for you all? Maybe your DD goes to your parents for 2 days per week with 1 night staying over? Nursery for the rest? Or your parents look after DD in the holidays and you do term time only at nursery? Otherwise nursery or a childminder is your only option.

What would you do if she was ill one week? This was never going to work; she offered but has obviously thought it through since.

Is there an option of you being able to do your thing and your DH working if you moved house to be near to your parents? Or are you both location specific? Then nobody would need to travel, although surely even if your DH had to drive to work an hour each way, that’s ok and means you wouldn’t need any other childcare.

Sometimes people offer thinking they cN deliver, but then retrospectively they realise its not quite such a great plan for them..

You are obviously a smart cookie to get on a PhD course, but think you may need to review your compassion skills.
Have u asked folks why they changed their minds? Maybe they could do a couple of days at yours and odd weekends too as I expect they'll be lots of study out of uni.

Sounds a great opportunity though, shame to miss out. Good luck.

I think 4 days a week is a lot to ask. Nursery won't let you do alternate weeks. Could they do 2 days a week and stay over one night, then you use nursery for the rest? Less of a commitment for them, cheaper for you, and less disruption if they want to go on holiday etc.

Ridiculous comment

The same mother who offered and suggested the £100 figure herself.

I had gps stay over 2 nights for different reasons, for a few months. It really impinged on family time. You get home from work and you have to entertain so to speak, and thus can’t relax properly. I wouldn’t recommend it.

You are being very unreasonable. The children are yours and their care and the financial aspect too is your responsibility. £100 per week is very low for such a huge commitment. Your mum has probably come to her senses!

Entitled much?

What is s ?

Shitted?

I think you’ll find her somewhere! Plenty of movement in children/ parents work/redundancies etc

Have you asked about childcare as you are a student? you may be entitled to funding. Worth asking.

Also is it ‘full time’ most placements are part time with additional self study - check your time table

What do you call Modern Slavery of your mum?!

I’m wondering with the increase of cost of living if it has caused them to re think?

Did your grandparents care for you in the manner you are expecting?

Or here's a thought..
For you all.
Raise your own children.
How dare you rely on anyone but yourselves to care for your own precious babies.
At what point did you decide or seek/expert any one other than yourselves to raise your own innocent children??

EXPECT

Her mum offered?

Op I'd see what you can get at the nursery and then ask you mum if she would do the rest. And maybe offer a little more for petrol