What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

I think YANBU. Yes, it is a big ask, but your mum shouldn't have agreed and then let you down if she wasn't up for it. I would be upset in your situation. Plus, in some cultures what your mum had offered wouldn't have been so unusual.

They haven't s* you over. That would be if she said she wasn't going to do it at all and left you completely in the lurch. As things stand she would be doing your childcare, but alternately in your house and hers.

If this isn't going to work for you, you don't HAVE to find something by October. You could simply say that you understand that her spending four days away from her home for a year is too much, but would she be prepared to do come to yours for a few weeks IF you haven't found anywhere by the time your course starts.

She might well be prepared to do it for a month or so.

It was her idea, not OP’s.

So you agreed

1. Your mum gives up her job
2. She travels to & from her house every week - at her own expense?
3. She looks after an 8 month old baby for 4 days a week
4. You pay her £25 a day for ? Hours (any more 2.5 hrs is less than minimum wage)

And now you think she is unreasonable to change her mind?
Why in earth did you agree to this in the first place, it's utterly nuts.
I see you are concerned about your future & childcare is a major barrier but honestly, your poor mum. How old is she? She's clearly keen to support you but this is very unfair on her. She will be totally exhausted, you need to rethink and find a solution that will work better than this crazy arrangement. I'm not surprised she's changed her mind.

The Mum wanted to retire anyway.
She is of working age and currently able to work so unlikely to be frail.
The £100 was probably to cover petrol.
OP will no doubt feed her when she is staying with them.
She may want to spend time with her grandchild.
OP has an older child with special needs and perhaps her mother understands that offering extra, flexible, family support is a nice thing to do to support her daughter’s family.

So many posters seem to be able put their basic language skills on hold just to make sure they can get involved in the sport of ‘OP Attack’.

Why? To make them feel better about their own shit lives, I guess.

The OP’s parents OFFERED.
THEY suggested the plan.
THEY suggested the level of remuneration.

As such, the OP made plans in accordance with that. Now they’ve completely fucked her over by changing it at the last minute and preventing her from getting her kid into nursery with good time.

I’d be mightily pissed off, too.

I would be annoyed with the change of plans too when it was them who offered initially. However- you have 2 months before you start so at least you have time to look into nursery placements. Best of luck.

Oh wow if a grown ass adult has to blank out screwed!

"But seriously, why did you think it was reasonable in the first place for your Mum to basically give up her own job and live apart from your Dad to be your very low paid live in nanny for the foreseeable future?"

This. When she offered, you should have said, "Thanks, mum, that's very generous of you, but I'll find a daycare."

It may have been the mother's suggestion but OP should have thought it through more and not accepted. It is clear that the mother wants to support OP I hope they find a solution that works for them both.

I think what your mum offered was outrageous and it was more outrageous you accepted she would be living at your house and getting paid basically nothing to be your live in skivvy. Yes find childcare or take them up on their still really kind offer.

Maybe OP’s Mum is very keen to get away from her husband for half the week and it’s him who has put pressure on her to change the plan? Who knows what goes on in people’s lives?

She shouldn’t have offered op, but you shouldn’t have accepted. How was this ever going to work? You are both unreasonable for ever considering this option.

They are asking not telling!

How about "can we see how it goes with me being out of the house and you being there instead first, and then we can try some time at yours without me, also depending on how it goes we may need to up the one day at nursery as well or instead"

Maybe your mum had time to really consider the implications of helping you out ,perhaps she realized you were being totally selfish and not considering her well-being at all! Start looking for a nursery asap .

In most circumstances it was a lot to expect but they offered and it must be very frustrating that your DM didn't think of the realities of the situation before offering but there you are.

I wouldn't fall out over it but see what the nurseries have available - if they don't have immediate availability for October then you might have to go with something with your mum for a period of time and you may need help in the future.

I had the opposite problem with DMIL. She had one of my DC twice a week and also picked up another DC from school 3 times a week. Both DSIL had children with 6 months of each other and DMIl had offered to have their children on certain days as well - meaning DMIL have 2 or 3 children every day of the week. I decided it was too much and put my DC into full time pre school for when she took on DSIL children. There was an almighty row when I I told her - I was depriving her of her grandchild, I wanted to break their bond, just because I found parenting hard didn't mean she did (!) etc.

Two weeks before she was due to start having DSILs' children DMIL
decided that it would be too much and she'd only be able to offer a day to each of them leaving them scrambling to find cover for the other days. Our preschool was full
So there was no way we would have got extra days.

Honestly OP pay for nursery. It's very kind of your DM to help but family ask to change the goal posts all the time no matter how well meaning they are. Nursery will provide you with consistency and you need all your brain power to go into your studies!

I've never once paid a family member to look after my children - and my mum used to have one of my DC's from 9-3 three times a week.

Same goes when I would look after my sisters children. The thought of charging never once crossed my mind.

It's not unusual for family to want to help out, simply because they want to spend time with you children, or just because they want to make your life a little easier.

I think once you have everything in order OP you'll be much happier with the new setup. Your mum coming to stay for several nights a week would have been as much as an upheaval for you and your partner as it would have been for her.

YABU to be angry at anyone other than yourself. Your life choices, no one else should be having to pick up the pieces

You could just get a job without going to uni if you’re that keen to get back into work. Then you’d be able to afford actual childcare. £25 a day is taking the piss. I’d be embarrassed to offer my parents that amount.

@Wintercomesoon she didn't offer her parents that. It's what they asked for. They offered childcare. She did not ask for it. The only thing she said she had a problem was the late notice in changing how they wanted to do it. Not everyone can get paid for childcare at the drop of a hat.

I’d go for an au pair. Some are a great.

I wouldn’t want full time nursery for that age, nor would I want my mum staying with me or even worse my baby staying with her. And I’m guessing you can’t get a nanny due to cost?

You can certainly source childcare at the drop of a hat if you don’t pay peanuts. OP is coming across as very entitled. There are nannies available at the drop of a hat but they expect full be paid fairly , and rightly so.

I would negotiate with your mum to stick to the original arrangement until your DD gets a place in nursery that works for you.

Unless she has a very good reason to not be able to stick to this (eg ill health) she should help you out this way. I would comsider offering a bit more money too as to be fair it's barely anything considering she'll have to pay for petrol to get to you and back.

*. Expect to be paid