What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

It does seem a huge commitment for your mum. It would be unlikely you could find a nursery place for every other week, but would your mum perhaps like to do 2 days childcare every week, that might make it easier to find a nursery place too, especially if she could do wednesday because that is always the busiest day with most demand for places at nursery.

Absolutely this I agree! I'm a single parent with no family support. I would never expect this from my mother. I'm sure OPs mother had very good intentions when she offered. Let's be Frank though it's NOT OP who will be out of pocket finicially and uprooted from her own home. You've got to look at it from both sides.

Surely it's obvious that that was never, ever going to work. It's easy to convince yourself it will because it solved your problems, but common sense would tell you that that would be unsustainable for her.
I doubt it's anything to do with money and much more to do with her not being in her own home with her own things around her, her friends close by, and general comfortableness.

Perhaps your dad doesn't want your mum away for 4 days every week. Tbh I think it's a reasonable compromise for dd to go there every other week

I think you are assuming your case is most people's. I'm sorry it certainly isn't common you obviously are lucky and it sounds like it all worked out wonderful for you which is fab.

I guess the next time your mother offers you anything you must tell her "No. You are too old. I don't want your help. Just sit and watch me struggle."

Poor OP - on Mumsnet you must NEVER talk of grandparents providing free childcare as it is always considered that you are exploiting them. Even though if anyone bothered reading your post they'd realised that your DM offered.

In reality lots of us working parents rely on grandparents to support patchwork childcare. Mine are retired but I have other friends where grandparents are claiming the NI contribution for providing family childcare and it's helping them out of an NI deficit whilst enjoying spending time with the grandchildren. It can work both ways despite numerous posts saying otherwise.

I would be annoyed at the changing parameters but at least this gives you an indication that it might not be the most practical/robust solution. Get your nursery sorted and focus on your PHD.

^
This. She will enjoy it. You will get more study time. Parents won’t have their lives turned upside down.

Of be quite happy for mum mum or mil to take had my 8 month old for a few days while I was at uni- maybe if one of them did done I may have got highe r headed I would have had more time to study. It was a bachelor's degree, but it was a constant study/nursey/meet both children's needs and studying came last.

You pays your money, you makes your choice. You don't pays your money (or at least, not much of it) - you don't makes your choice.

Family usually do this. It’s really best not to rely on anyone, even if she did offer. It’s best this has happened now. Sometimes childminders can be flexible, I know many aren’t, my sons wasn’t, unless you paid for extra days but the one I have now for my daughter is and it’s nice to have the option if needed.

Childminders tend to be cheaper than nursery, maybe you can split your child’s time between a nursery and childminder?

Seemed like a good idea at the time. Your Mum has realised that it was a ridiculous offer, has offered a compromise - equally ridiculous.

Sort your own kids out.

🤣

At least I hope that was a joke.

Sorry but your Mum hating her job is not a good enough recommendation for caring for your child-pay for proper childcare!

Sorry if this has already been said (I didn't have time to read the full thread, but have read all of your replies). Have you applied for student childcare grant? Not sure if it would apply for PhD, I guess it depends whether you receive a bursary or wage. But worth applying, worst they can say is no! I found it a godsend during my BSc, I couldn't have afforded childcare without it.
I hope you find a place for your little one on a good local nursery.

Just put her into nursery. Forget about your mum. She lives too far away to help.

I have no idea why everyone is slating you OP. Maybe they have reading comprehension problems. You said you didn't ask and they offered themselves. It is a pisser that they then turned around and wanted to do it differently - I wouldn't be happy about DD staying away EOWeek either. And 2 1/2 months isn't a long time to find a nursery! (Though I would always recommend a childminder myself for the home-from-home aspect).

It might be for the best this happened though -if they pulled this after you started imagine the stress!!

ok. i tend to reply-then scroll through other responses.
on the scroll down i see you replied AND highlight its the offer,then retraction thats upset you most.
Is this a "normal"event of your parents say will n then change the terms? (triggering)
i get that no matter the age of child, pretty much say will-but wont is upsetting regardless age of child/mum.
Perhaps tho. You could step back from your view-and consider theirs(is it both parents/or just mum?)
It is\was a too good to refuse offer.Realistically £100 pwk for 3stopovers and caring for a 8mth old is clearly a HUGE commitment. Is dad stop too?or?
are you n dh realistically gony half week+ adapt to your mum reside at yours? Way i see it thats a 3day 24hrs arrangement.how you gony switch the your mum/daughter relationship into your kids n ds rshp u have now.. Whilst the babymind shift will end presumeably when you /dh get home. your mum gony then still be grandma,to 2 kids,its gony require alot of adjusting to all round.
£ nights 4 days is a long time to NOT be at home-your parents have perhaps not considered the "adjustment"and impact on them pre-offering.
Feb-july-oct is alot of thinking time. Seems to me they maybe realised bit of more than can chew?
Sure- you can feel let down but....You could also think,actually, the financial benefits real are not gony equate to anything beneficial as a family dynamic goes.
Praps lookit- ok.the child mind offer is NOT off the table. Yes,2nights a week is alot -could u add a nursey day n drop a night say? or could you stay at hers one of the nights? it doesnt have to be a BAD thing. I dont think it reflects a disintrest or ditched idea.Try accepting its an issue n wasnt particularly well thought out maybe then
Make it potentially work for EVERYBODY before it starts.

I would never take money from my son for looking after my 2yr old grand child I love having her and look after her 2 nights and I know they can't afford child care it costs so much

YABU to be angry with your parents. They've raised one set of children. They haven't fucked you over.

Enquire from the university and/or funding council and/or funders of your PhD about a childcare allowance. See whether there's subsidised childcare at the university where you'll be doing your PhD.

How much do you have to be in uni? Every day? If you can study from home some of the days you could go to your mums too?

Can you ask nursery if they can do extra day? Can your husband compress his hours at work and do a morning?

100 a week sounds very low, no wonder your mum thinks her other options are better.

Just offer her more money

She probably loved the idea and the start and is now panicking. Better for you to have professional child-care in place that won’t let you down. And then just a happy grandparent relationship with the parents. Good luck!

I think you have been desperate and grateful and bit her hand off. Your mum felt she had to help but has not realised what it actually means.

Your mum shouldn’t help- it’s bonkers. You now have to find a proper suitable solution.