What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

I can’t believe some of the posts on here - the most ridiculous being the ones saying OP should have known the arrangement wasn’t possible and should not have accepted the offer. Why not?

My Mum offered to spend half the week at my house every week to look after my kids, when she lived 120 miles away. She wanted to do it. She was healthy and mid 60s, so although I was slightly anxious about it, there was no reason for me to refuse to let her. In fact, when I expressed reservations about the impact it would have on her life, she quickly and forcefully dismissed them. Consequently she looked after my kids for years when they were younger, and has a very close bond with them as a result. After 8 years of commuting she moved to where we live, and now lives next door. It’s worked out brilliantly.

There seems to be a MN narrative that it is a massive cheek and the height of entitlement to use grandparents for childcare, but most grandparents want to do it.

In OP’s case, her Mum should never have offered if she wasn’t sure she could take on the responsibly as agreed, and should have spoken much sooner if she was having second thoughts.

Could you talk to your mum and see if she would be willing to cover what the university nursery isn't able to in the short term until there is a ft place for your dd. That way she's doing less than she offered, and it's short term, but you're not stuck in the meantime.

I agree with you though, not great to get so close and then move the goalposts. Makes me glad I knew from the off that there'd be no grandparent help.

Unless I have missed something, your mum is still happy to look after your little one, but wants to care for her every other week at her own home. So you do have childcare in place, but every other week you are not happy with her being at your parents house and away from yourselves.

What should you do? You need to discuss things further with your mother in the first instance to see if there is a compromise and if not, you and your husband then look for alternative care for every other week (assuming your mum is still happy to provide care in your home every other week). There may be some scope for your mum to provide care in your home whilst you are waiting for suitable local care to come up.

@MumblesParty my grandma brought me up too, but at hers. I do think OP has to realise it's a favour – not her doing a favour to her mother, but other way round – and either compromise a bit or accept that she's not owed anything. The language is quite entitled, I feel. Almost 3 months' notice wouldn't be out of the ordinary if the arrangement were paid, eg childminder or nursery any way.

They are not letting you down they are offering you an alternative.

Whys it ok for your mum to be away from her home every week for 3 nights but not ok for your DD to be away?

The alternative they are offering actually seems more fair.

Did you miss the part where I literally said "Even if she offered, that was kindness on her part"?

Reading helps.

The main point of my post: "I'm not sold on "she hates her job and I'm doing her a favour... I don't think you should act like you're doing her a favour tossing some peanuts her way."

In response to OP justifying with "My mum hates her job and has been wanting to quit for ages". Yes, great, but you're not exactly enabling that – OP's mum could easily reduce her hours to 1 day a week to get £100 wage. Or she could just quit and spend all her time enjoying retirement, and seeing grandchildren at her own leisure!

Again great and lovely if it's done out of grandmotherly and motherly love, but then see it for what it is – a massive favour. If someone offers to walk my dogs, I don't pretend I'm giving them an amazing chance to exercise.

I do understand OP is annoyed at the changed plans but her mother is offering more advance notice than some paid services would (plus a well meaning compromise – even if OP doesn't want it, not fair to say we've been totally s*ed or r f**ed or whatever she was ranting about).

Gosh people are dense on this thread.

Her life choices. Her mothers life choice to OFFER to help. Why are we making out like the mother is somehow unable to rationally make a decision? She offered and then clearly thought it through and realised it wouldn't work. Absolutely her right. But op also has the right to be pissed off at being left in the lurch at the 11th hour. There are always so many posts on MN slagging off flaky people breaking plans yet when it comes down to childcare apparently you are "entitled" to even accept an offer when it's made by someone.

Whys it ok for your mum to be away from her home every week for 3 nights but not ok for your DD to be away?

It’s not being away from her home, it’s being away from her parents! I think that OP’s Mum can probably cope with not seeing her Mummy and Daddy for a few days (if they are even still alive).

Is that a serious question 🤣🤣

@Wintercomesoon you couldn't where I am when dc were small. This would be really chancing it for autumn term. Nursery provision is pretty much all the same cost around here. Current prices for a baby are £1,700 full time and were £1,200 when DC1 was a baby just over a decade ago. People planning to go back to work after may leave often arrange their childcare when still pregnant. We don't live in an affluent area just SE. Recommended childminders are like gold dust and don't tend to have periods where they haven't got children in their care or are looking for clients. OP has already said she can't get full time nursery provision from the university nursery now.

Offering something and then withdrawing is not kind, particularly if it leaves the person in a worse position than they would have been without the offer.

It was not intentionally mean though, it's clear the mum was happy to make good her commitment to childcare (doing four days a week!) but realised living in her dd's home for those nights would be too much. Better to pull out now than in week 2 of the arrangement.

Universities are places people often don't attend/start a year later/don't need the place so the most important thing is to get on the waiting list, say what you want and cross fingers. The OP says she's waiting to hear back from both nurseries, so hopefully one will come to the rescue.

Perhaps with more discussion, a middle way could have been found, part nursery part grandparent care.

This ☝️ It seems you are not considering that your parents have their own lives to live and they need to enjoy the autumn of their lives. Your Mother is making a big sacrifice to help you. You are not entitled to it and you don’t seem to appreciate it!

You are definitely in a hard place. Your parents probably got to talking about it and didn't want to be away from home that much. Is your place even big enough to have another person in it, or were you all going to share a bedroom? Possibly they were also worried about her being caregiver even when you are home, say when you need to do homework.
On the other hand, my grandmother commuted over an hour to work, each way, for over 20 years. In heavy traffic, it could be two hours before she got home. Is there any quick public transportation she could take on the days you have class? Or you could do 2-3 days nursery and mom just does 1 overnight a week. You could offer her more money as well, to cover transportation costs and whatnot. Or maybe she comes for two days a week and then here and the child go to their house for a couple days.
I think you probably all need to get on a call together or a video call or even face to face and iron out exactly what amount of childcare she can handle and how much transportation and what is actually feasible.
In the middle of my degree, my daycare shut down unexpectedly and permanently. Seriously, picked up my kids and they were all, "we are closed forever." My parents would not help at all, even though it would have been two weeks at the most for me to find a new place. Talked to the school, they had no way to help me (although they do now, decades later), missed too many classes, failed, lost grants, and owe student loans for nothing.

People are allowed to change their mind! I would not like to be away from my DH three nights a week either, they have just thought it through. And frankly you were expecting a great deal of her and your £100 a week is an insult.

YABU

I had a very similar problem a few years ago. I worked in an industry whose peak season is the summer holidays. My mum moved to the area and promised to look after my two (preschool and yr1) while I was at work over the summer. I was delighted at them spending time together and saving money. Got to about a month before the holidays and I talked to pin down drop off details etc and the offer shrunk into an afternoon or so per week. I had to scramble for childcare and ended up 000s in debt. I wish she had never offered. I have never trusted an offer of childcare since. If you can’t rely on your mum, who can you rely on!

Your DM offered because she wants to help, but no doubt has now thought about the implications for her own life. What she offered is actually a massive commitment which is above and beyond. I care for my DGD one day per week and that's quite enough! As for the short notice, real life means that change is sometime necessary. In my case it has been my own health - no notice at all. Chat to your DM and see if she can help one or two days - much more realistic.

Nursery, 100%.
You need reliable and consistent cover without any possibility for family politics.

I would be annoyed if I was the OP, have had similar childcare arrangements agreed based on offers and then cancelled and it’s stressful. It’s bad form to make offers that have huge impacts on others life logistics and not keep to them, it’s better to not make that sort of offer at all until you are certain about it - however kind it is.

OP you can either ask them if you can revert to original agreement, maybe even offer more money as an incentive, and if that doesn’t suit your mum then get looking for nurseries.

YABU its totally impractical. I don't care whether she offered blah blah blah. Its a mad solution to a problem that could be solved with a nursery place. You will have cover for illness with no worries.

You simply don't understand that OP and DH. do not want their child away from them every other week. She is an infant.

You are both in the wrong and it would have caused problems which ever way you look at it. Don't take this in a rude way but £100 a week is nothing to watch even a relatives child 4 nights a week. Plus move in your house too i wouldnt feel comfortable would you?
You both have not thought it through properly. Your mum is right to pull out it's too much of a big ask/offer.

@WeightInLine I THOUGHT THE SAME!! SHOCKING CF*CKERY!

Ask your mum if you're not paying enough cos you can clearly afford to pay her more esp as she'll be away from home.

I suspect leaving your DF on his own for much of the week every week has come crashing down on them hence their counter offer.

If it was me. I'd put baby in nursery. Invite your DM and DF down at the weekend to spend time with the kids, your DP and you. Stop thinking parents can provide cheap child care they can't it was pie in the sky when they offered it to you OP.

Good luck with the PhD.