Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

Really, truthfully ,OP this is never going to work with with the future inlaws.

This is your future visiting them and never being able to just " be you ".

Then if you both decide to have children...can you imagine the judgement from them.

The fact this Mother has the power to reduce her son to tears....very worrying.

As for taking over the kitchen...be my guest.

@jannier Just to clarify - I didn't refuse her cake and get my own out just for myself. I took a cake with me on the visit as a nice gesture, she had also made one (unknown to me) and after the meal I cooked on the Monday, they were put on the table for dessert. I didn't actually want any cake but I felt pressured to have some sort of dessert, so opted to eat a very small slither of the cake I had bought with me, rather than hers due to it having cream in it. I have told her previously that I try and keep away from too much cream, so didn't mention it again this time so she must've forgotten and took offence.

I'd have had her cake and left the cream as you had done the dinner to meet half way.

What a lovely post. Think hard about this, OP.

I would also be asking your DP a little bit more about why his relationship with his ex broke down. I would be asking someone gentle but direct questions - along the lines of whether his parents approved of her (and I’d be using the word ‘approved’, as it send a message to him that you’ve noticed this is a requirement).

But, TBH, even if they broke up for other reasons, I think you’ve got your work cut out for you, if you want to make this relationship work.

Well, in hindsight, obviously this is what the OP should have done.

But no reasonable person could have predicted that the MIL would be SO mortally offended by the cake refusal, to foresee that such a step would be necessary.

Nothing to do with mil just good manners not to refuse your hosts cooking in preference to your own.

What they said!

Your mother in law is toxic. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But, you have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. She's making an issue because she doesn't like that her darling son has another woman taking care of him.

Unless she changes her behaviour, you're in for a horrible ride with her x

Well again, obviously - except when the alternative will make you unwell.

Yes, obviously, the OP should have taken the MIL’a cake and not eaten the cream.

But it shouldn’t have even been necessary, and it shouldn’t have caused such mortal offence as to be ^complained about’.

Manners are a two-way street, and I’m not seeing MIL’s.

I think the cream was in the cake.

She's not your MIL, she's your boyfriend's mum. She's not invested in the relationship with you because as far as she knows, you are temporary. Food things are tricky, especially when you don't know each other well.

They sound a bit much but you're also a bit rude and made yourself overly familiar at their house. You only met them 4 times, cooking for them is a strange idea. Rude to refuse breakfast, I get that you don't eat it but you're a guest in their house so you sit down with them when invited. I think they're treating you like a guest but you are somehow imagining yourself as part of the family which, in their eyes, you are not.

This is interesting because surely it works both ways and both sides should want to make a good impression.

I know both my own mum and my MIL saw it this way. They could see how much dh (then just a bf) and I were serious about each other (as we'd been friends for a few years before dating, and I was his first proper gf). I got a sense that my MIL was trying hard to be nice because (maybe subconsciously even?) she knew if she didn't get on with me, she'd see her DS way less often. My mum was the same. I remember the first Christmas we were dating, MIL gave me a really thoughtful Christmas present and was clearly nervous whether I'd like it. (She's so, so nice).

This strategy of OP's not-yet-MIL, of being horrid to all girlfriends until he marries one of them, is going to backfire when he finally does marry one of them. Or he'll never marry any of them and there won't be grandchildren

You only have to observe how many Mumsnet users are NC with their parents to know that it's not unusual for children to hold very different values from their parents. I see this all around me in my personal life too. It's true for my DH and I, my siblings, a lot of my friends and their partners.

Oh gosh OP, that sounds as though longer-term trouble could be brewing. I think his parents sound very old-fashioned, set in their ways so perhaps your lovely gesture of cooking a meal was lost on them. The other stuff - well as PP said she is scraping the barrel!

If both you and your DP were in agreement and just had a laugh about it then I think it would be fine because you are on the same page. But the fact that he was reduced to tears would really concern me. Not because he showed emotion, but because you aren't on the same page at all.

Me and DP also go to see MIL (his mum) she talks at us non-stop, bombards us with info about people he doesn't know, let alone me. She will "pick" on a SIL and try to set me up to agree that "yes X is silly doing that" or whatever, although I never rise or comment. But once we leave we can laugh about it together (not in a horrible way, just to let off steam). If she really over-steps he will step in and speak up for me totally - you need that. If you haven't got it then your life will be a nightmare. His reaction would cause me to re-think the relationship, sorry OP.

@Grumpy101 I always sit down with them for all meals, including breakfast. I just never have and never will eat breakfast.

Thanks for your comment though - I opened myself up to hear opinions from all sides to try and understand her way of thinking so this has helped even though it's not nice to read :-)

Be very careful now! Your MIL is batshit and has a huge influence on your DP. Your DP was moved to tears due to his mothers very skilful manipulation. Think long and hard if you want this emotional mess to be your life. My MIL is similar but my DP is very much team Ducky! Our relationship would not have survived otherwise.

I'd see what happens with their conversation and take it from there. You could talk it out with her but I definitely wouldn't apologise

My mum is batshit and was abusive. Despite that, I've turned out okay, mainly thanks to my DH and in-laws.

It's bad enough growing up with an abusive parent without partners deciding it makes us unworthy as partners.

With DH's support, living a distance away,.and keeping low and very superficial contact worked for us all.

You’re right. The woman isn’t the OP’s MIL. But other than that, this is a strange way of thinking.

When my DC, now teens, bring new friends home - of either sex, I’m friendly and welcoming and interested in them (hopefully not in an over-bearing way!). I may never see them again, many of them are entirely temporary!

But they’re friends with my DC, so I make an effort, because I like my DC!

It’s not up to me to be ‘invested in the relationship’, it’s just up to me to be a normal, friendly human being.

I appreciate you’re probably just trying to explain the MIL’s behaviour, rather than actually endorsing it! But we see this sort of behaviour from parents and PIL on MN all the time, and it’s strange - especially because it’s so often from people old enough to know better!

Yup. You need to communicate to him what you expect from him and watch closely what happens next...

Ps you should also look at a thread called DIL problems that has recently blown up in the last few days it could almost be your MIL (it's not, as they have a baby)

IF you love him and want to stay with him, I'd be quite tempted to do the adult thing and give her a call.

Say that DP has just let me know you were upset with me cooking dinner and what I was talking about - we're all getting used to each others ways I'm so sorry but I had no idea- please do let me know if you ever feel
Uncomfortable when I'm in your home and Ill listen and I promise I'll do the same when you visit us too' I wouldn't ask partner permission for this.

She will either be mortified or worried that she upset you, or this will get the clear message across that you and DP are a strong team and he doesn't keep bitchy secrets from you so she will think twice before she tries that again or bitch to her friends instead. Best case is it clears the air and you get on well going forward but I wouldn't hold my breath on that happening!!

This.

As I said you leave the cream op said she limits the amount not that she's allergic just too much upsets her.

And again, but more explicitly, how is this helpful to the OP after the event?

Apologies for the derail, OP.