Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

Same. I used to find it nearly impossible to explain why something that other people would assume to be a fairly minor misunderstanding with my mother could leave me in tears (when I was younger).

and OP’s SO is talking to her, which is also great. BUT I still strongly believe that politeness and distance is the best way for OP to deal with this. Being drawn into their family dynamics should be the last thing OP wants..,

I think sometimes you can tell a LOT about people from the way they react to food. The fact that they aren't doing so well with the fact that you eat breakfast differently suggests something much bigger: sounds like they have food rituals that are very set in stone, because they're not really about the food. Everyone must eat the same thing at the same time! Even if they don't want to! I'm sorry, but that isn't being polite, it's being controlling. I bet it's a microcosm of how you're supposed to react to a lot of other things they raise too - when it comes to other activities and choices, does everyone have to do everything together all the time?

A devout Christian who manipulates her son because she's unhappy with his girlfriend?

Shes lovely isn't she?

A grown man who cries because his mum was 'off' with him ?

Sounds very mature.

The OP who, knowing the parents don't have similar personalities to her, jokingly kicks the mother out of her own kitchen

Really well thought through

Maybe because you didn't eat any of hers but then had some of your own she took it as a comment on her cooking...why didn't you explain about the cream?

I think all the commenters who have said you shouldn't have offered to cook are missing the point slightly.

Somewhere out there, OP, is a family who would love you as a DIL. They'd love you bustling in like a ray of sunshine with your jokes and laughs and cooking. "Go relax and sit down, I'll cook for you" - I'd love you as my Dil and I'd happily eat your cooking and your cake (only we're probably the same age and I don't have a son yet!). You'd have such a laugh with a certain type of extravert/lazy MIL who would value you helping out.

If you stay with this family you'll be constantly second guessing yourself and toning down your friendliness and your self esteem will be crushed. You'll turn into a meek shadow of yourself every time you visit them.

It's not just that the in laws don't value your bubbly personality, your Bf doesn't either.

What a waste, when you sound completely lovely. There's a family out there that would love you (and your cooking) to bits.

Yes!! When we go to his parents there's always a lot of pressure to make plans for all of us every single day. I never get asked what I'd like to do, just expected to go along with it. Obviously I've only visited a handful of times so haven't questioned it but now you've said....

Thank you so much 🥰🥰

It's not just that the in laws don't value your bubbly personality, your Bf doesn't either

Where do you get that from @Mummy08m ?

This.

They are boyfriend and girlfriend and still early days.

Absolutely no need to settle for someone who has such an awful family and a mother who clearly has huge control over her son.

So often posters write that they wish they had walked away when the awful red flags appeared as his family.

How he handles this, how much involvement he has with his family, how much their opinions affect him, will likely have a real impact on the OP's life by extension.

Naively thinking it won't if they remain in contact would be very unwise.

My Dil has had her own kitchen for 6 years. I'm happy to go and care for the grandkid make their food etc when I'm on my own but wouldn't dream of just putting the kettle on or dishing up etc if she's there. I'd ask but never insist I'd worry she thought I was judging her.

I wouldn't engage with this. I'd say "Oh dear, what a drama. I've never been criticised for this before. I noticed they showed no interest in me and I thought they'd like relaxing while I cooked. Oh well never mind" and then not mention it again. Your dh crying sounds a bit OTT

I get it from his reaction. It would have been so easy for him to defend/explain op's actions to his mum. But instead he passed on her criticisms which heavily implies that he agrees with them, at least partly, and wants her to address them.

But arguably there's nothing for op to fix. The in laws just don't like the way she is. She could change the way she is (difficult, upsetting, and probably futile) or move on and find a man and family who like the way she is

You don't know how the suggestion was put to mil by the boyfriend it may have been a X is doing rather than a shall we cook for you or they could have thought it was a take away .....very odd to cook in someone's home when you've only met them a handful of times.

Actually, the minute you said 'church goers' I thought there is the problem. I know I'll be criticised but sometimes I think that they are the most judgemental people going. I've been there!

Isn't it normal when visiting someone to do things together rather than treat it like a hotel and go off on your own?

That works perfectly for you and your DIL but everyone is different.

When my MIL comes to see us she always brings a pie or lasagne she's made and she'll cook the sides in my kitchen too. I'm profusely grateful every time, there's no "my kitchen".

My point is just that everyone is different. If I had a DIL who blazed in and said "you relax I'll cook for you" I'd be like "say no more" and immediately put the telly on or even run myself a bath.

Op needs to find a family who do things her way

You sound lovely, generous and understanding, OP - maybe a bit too understanding - and apart from sticking up for you or giving in totally to his mother there's actually a third way he could go. He could carry on trying to play the middle game, placating each of you iin turn and getting increasingly tearful while you both come to resent each other more and more

And no, there's nothing at all wrong with a man crying, but it's why he was crying that would bother me, and the "why" appears to be the unhealthy hold his mother has over him - something which I suspect has a very long history

You could of course wait until he's spoken to her again, but with what's gone before do you honestly think he'll challenge her behaviour in even the gentlest way? I'd suggest asking that you go together for a proper talk, but rather doubt there's much point even if he'd let you, which again I very much doubt

As so many have said, with attitudes like this the relationship's unlikely to be happy long term, so it may be better to cut your losses now and find someone who values you properly and as you deserve

I don't think many of us pick our spouse based on their family. Certainly if I was choosing on that basis, I wouldn't be married to my DH. It's not necessary to fit in with your in-laws to have a happy marriage.

The entire issue is how this impacts OP's boyfriend and the knock-on effect on her/their relationship.

So why did he stay for days if he was treated like this? It’s not normal, he could have just said I’m not taking this crap, and left? Another huge red flag.

It would have been so easy for him to defend/explain op's actions to his mum. But instead he passed on her criticisms which heavily implies that he agrees with them, at least partly, and wants her to address them

Exactly - or at the very least he may want her to pretend to be other than what she is so mummy can be placated

Except trying to placate people who go off about the least little thing rarely works; they just move onto the next thing so that control can be maintained

I don't think many of us pick our spouse based on their family.

Not directly, no, but the culture and expectations get passed down. It probably shouldn't be true but it is, in pretty much every family I've met. If a man has tight lipped, stern parents who don't skip breakfast and are possessive about their kitchens (as an example) then chances are he will have similar values. If he comes from a casual, easy going, noisy family, then he'll be happy having a similar household later in life.

I know there are exceptions but they are rare.

This. Listening to her then passing it all on to you is pathetic.

@Mummy08m agree and with @Puzzledandpissedoff.

His repeating his parents issues instead of dealing with them there and then is off.

Who wants to hear that their boyfriends parents are so petty and disikes them?

The OP didn't fee he was particularly in her corner either.

He remained staying with his parents despite his mother's awful behaviour, why couldn't he pack and leave, or deal with it?

You may not choose your partner for your in laws but they invariably come as part of the package, and if your boyfriend shows signs of being hugely and unduly under their influence, then that will likely have blow back on you if you stay.

He sounds very much in their grip.

Why if everything else is fine why should one thing that has happened 4 or 5 times in 2 years spoil the rest of her life? It's very possible to adjust to doing things somebody else's way in their house because it's not your house. Your never going to find a family that does everything your way.....and refusing a cake someone has cooked in their home then diving into your bag and serving up your own is rude unless you give an explanation.
Why is it okay to order somebody about in their own home? Your the guest......I bet if the mil had been coming in and helping herself in Dils house telling Dil what to do the lynch mob would be out

Run!! He was crying because his mammy doesn't like you? OMG, run!!!!!