A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid.

You don't need an excuse but not wanting a child is a bloody good reason.

Kids are hard work and do mostly impact even in 2023 mothers lifestyles more than most fathers.

I know a fair few women sister included who got pg to keep DP happy often slighter earlier than they'd planned - mostly the men bugger off with odd exception when kids are still young and are then a blood pita to try and co-parent with.

Personally I've enjoyed having kids - they are one of the best things I ever did but have encountered mothers who hated it and not always ones you'd expect and it's hard because it very taboo to actually admit that.

Please don’t have a baby if you don’t want one.

Even for people who always wanted children and who were desperate to become mothers, having children is so, so hard. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do mentally, physically and emotionally. If you are not fully on board with everything it entails, then having a child would be a massive mistake.

If your H doesn’t pull his weight with the household jobs now, this will only get worse with the arrival of a child. You will be left doing it all whilst also working in a busy job. And saying you can be a SAHM isn’t helpful - being a SAHM is a relentless, thankless task that isn’t for everyone. I was one of those people who always knew I wanted children, was desperate to be a mum but even I knew I was never cut out for the SAHM life.

Your H is being very unreasonable in moving the goalposts now when you have always been very open about the fact you never wanted children. He would have a reason to be annoyed if you’d always said that you’d like them one day, or were open to the idea and now suddenly said you weren’t. But HE is the one who has changed his mind, not you. He has no right to be punishing you for this.

If he divorces you, so be it. Enjoy your successful career and the financial freedom it offers you. Please don’t have children that you don’t want just to keep him.

You don’t need an excuse not to, and your living situation being suited to having a baby is irrelevant. Sounds like he doesn’t understand the reality if he doesn’t do his share of house hold. And if he would ‘allow’ you to be stay at home mum… I doubt he would do much parenting or housework

Sounds like you don’t really want a baby.

Simple answer is not to have one.

But your relationship is likely to end. Really sorry OP it’s hard!

If your DH doesn't do his fair share now, this will only get worse.
It will be your career that suffers most likely, not always, but if he's keen on SAHM then he's planning to work and support you. That's a very traditional set up and you have to be sure you'd be happy with that.

Kids are incredibly hard work, exhausting, and draining - yes they are also amazing, and wonderful. You also have to think about how you'd both cope if the child had any issues.

Sorry OP - sounds like time for a heart to heart. Don't have a child if you don't want to. The strain on the relationship would be huge.

If you don't want to have a kid, don't have one. It's 100% your choice. However, as I am sure you know, it might cost you your marriage, but if you and your husband aren't on the same page about having kids, then someone is always going to have to compromise, without which a breakup is pretty inevitable.

But it worries me that someone who doesn't want kids should be talked into having them. Having a kid is about the biggest commitment there is - and it DOES change everything, and it DOES put your career on hold and destroy your earning potential (only for women obvs, it's fine for men due to structural misogyny). I love my kids more than anything but I made a bunch of sacrifices to have them, and I have struggled with that too. So you need to weight up what you really want - and don't be talked into something you'll later regret.

but on the other hand my life would have continued in a happy and fulfilled way had I remained child free.

Same here.

Please don't do it, a baby/child changes every aspect of your life.

One of my husband's relatives had a much longed for baby with her DP.
The reality hasn't coincided with the dream of being parents at all and they are on the verge of breaking up.

Your relationship is over, it might seem perfect but you now want very different things. I think it'd be very wrong for you to have a child, who phrases having a baby with their husband as "giving my husband a child". Nope you'd be having a child together because you both want one. I think it'd be a disaster to even consider having a baby. He shouldn't throw away his chance to be a father either, you can't compromise on something so major.

YANBU, but having children or not, and when, is something you need to be on the same page with a long term partner about. I wouldn't have a baby to please someone else though.

Seriously ask him what he thinks will change and won’t. Ask him if you go through the pregnancy is he willing to be a full time SAHD? If the answer is no then you have your answer.

If you definitely don't want a baby then please don't have one.

I know women in couples who definitely don't and didn't want children, and those who weren't definite so had one pregnancy.

If your husband has changed his mind and now wants a child (or children) then you need to set each other free as you are no longer compatible with one another.

You know in your heart of hearts of you want something or not, so if the answer is no, then he can either accept that or not. For me, the realisation that I did want to be a mum came from nowhere so you do never know. I was adamant I didn't want any for a long time. They remain the best thing I ever did, even though my 5 year old pulled her curtain pole clean out of the wall last night 😆

You sound JUST like me 10 years ago.

We now have kids, one with quite severe special needs and are separated. Honestly I could never have forseen that we ever qould have broken up, we were sooooo in love, just perfect together. I love my kids but parenthood definitely ended our relationship.

My thoughts in no particular order are:

Many people love to tell women who don't have children how those women will feel 'when' they become mothers. What I realised after is those people were just talking about how they felt when they became mothers. Your best sense of how you will feel if you became a mother is yourself. My sense before I had kids was that I wouldn't much like being a mum. The things I enjoy are a combination of super-quiet solitary things like reading books, or super-wild partying and travelling. Neither are compatible with parenthood. And guess what? I had kids, not a personality transplant. I still enjoy the same things I used to, I just don't get to do them any more. I still find babies and toddlers really boring.

Mine are a bit older now and great fun and whilst I don't much like motherhood per se, I do love my kids as humans in their own right and love being with them now. However if I had my time again I would say a different life path which didn't involve parenthood would have been a happier one for me, and I know now that I was best placed to judge for myself how I would feel about parenthood rather than listening to other people tell me how I'd feel.

Maybe I'll be hung out to dry for this comment but I'm just using an anonymous internet forum to be totally totally honest. I am a very good mother and very dedicated and if you knew me you would not guess any of this to be true.

As for our relationship, the fact we'd been together so long (also 14 years-ish I think when we had our first) worked against us, because we were so used to our patterns together, the things we did together (lots of dates, travel and spontaneity) and being able to put each other first, the relationship just could not adapt to having to put another person first. Also stuff like when it was just the 2 of us I could do all the housework and cooking and also work full time and I didn't really mind, I couldn't do any more when I was also looking after a baby and he felt SO HARD DONE BY that he had to start doing his share. Again because his whole adult life he'd been used to one way of doing things and it was just a huge change for him to process.

We have discussed openly in the subsequent years in therapy and so on. He now accepts that his sudden desperation for a baby was about wanting external validation on what a perfect life 'should' look like rather than an actual understanding of what parenthood would actually entail and wanting the real-life warts and all version. He also says with the benefit of hindsight he too would have accepted my view and we wouldn't have had kids.

We were also some of the first in our group of mates to have kids. After the first raft of us had babies a few mates decided to stay child-free by choice and they are super happy fulfilled people. None of them regret their choice.

Ahhh we thought the same. Nannies are wildly expensive. A decent live-out on a full time basis will be at least £40k gross (over £50k in London) which comes out of your net income. The OP would need to be on £75kish to even cover the cost of it without a penny left over.

We're always had nannies because working patterns have required it, but even if you're really well paid it's unrealistic to think your life wouldn't change.

Don’t do it. Don’t even think about doing it. If he values an imaginary child more than he values you that tells you everything you need to know.

Don't have kids just because you can't find a reason not to. You do have a reason, you don't want dc.

Dc will hugely impact you both, but primarily you, especially as your dh has said 'you' can be a sahm, sounds like he's not even entertained the idea that 'he' could stay at home! He's already setting out his stall, that nothing will change for him, but you will take on the roll as primary carer, whilst he swans in as fun Dad and gets his married with kids image.

I was in 2 minds as to whether to have dc, I got pregnant accidentally and kept the baby. I hated being a sahm so went back to work. Whilst I adore my dc, I wouldn't make the same decision again as it did change my life hugely.

If more women held up when they don't want a baby and atood by their decision , world would be a better place.
Having a child when you don't want to is the worst for you AND the child.

Sorry, but as pp said, there is just no compromise if one wants, one doesn't sadly.

@KingsHeath53’s post is absolutely spot on.

We have one kid and are still together. But it’s massively changed our relationship and not really for the better.

this really stuck out from your OP:

“He is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me.”

He is unlikely to undergo an attitude transformation. I had so much less time and bandwidth for housework after our son came along. Babies are labour intensive and I was just so resentful at times of the domestic imbalance. I would bet you’ll feel the same: and you won’t have even wanted the kid in the first place! Both by husband and I planned our son but nothing - NOTHING could have prepared me for what a change it has been.

My firm advice is not to have a child with this man just because he wants one, when you don’t.

@KingsHeath53 oh 🙈 may be not then! Lol

“Don’t do it. Don’t even think about doing it. If he values an imaginary child more than he values you that tells you everything you need to know.” - this is a bit harsh.
My friend changed her mind at the age of 40 about having a child. Her DH had initially wanted them, she didn’t. He chose her. Then she changed her mind, he had gotten used to a child free life but after much arguing and her threat to leave he gave in. They had their child via IVF. I don’t think you can help the yearning for a child personally.

Great post.

I think your point of men who have done nothing to share the house load for years find change so difficult and feel so hard done by is 100% correct.

Men like this feel terrible resentment and anger and women end up sucking it up or separating.

The foolish women who hope they will step up are left bitterly annoyed with themselves.

The greatest predictor of their future behaviour is their past behaviour.

Depending on anything else is Russian roulette.

He would be ok with you being a SAHM.....aka that you would give up a career you love, to do EVERYTHING in the home AND for the child.

He doesn't care about your happiness and fulfilment, he wants the validation of a child.

This is all consistent with a very selfish man.

If he doesn't golf or cycle, he is the type who will quickly take it up, leaving you at home.

I hope all of the posts here make you have a hard look at him.

You are at a crossroad.

With a man like him, you could find yourself a jobless dependent single parent who gave up her career for a man who never lifted a finger to share the work load of a child he desperately wanted.

Don't be the fool in this equation.

So many posters bitterly regret falling for his bullshit threats.

Let him off would be my view.

@KingsHeath53 spot on, among others.

Only read your posts.

Babies soon become children, then stroppy teens, then they are off and away. They do tend to take over your life for 18 years.

If your husband wants a child he should be prepared to sacrifice his career by being a stay at home parent - is he up for that? If he isnt then he doesnt really want a child, does he.

You said you are not ready "to give everything up at the moment". Well you wouldnt need to give up everything if you had a nanny and a cleaner more often but life would change dramatically. Some women lose interest in their career when a small human becomes more interesting. Few people die saying they wished they'd spent more time in the office, some do regret not being a parent.

You should never 'give someone a child'. They're not from bloody Argos!

You both need to 100% want them.
You both need to realise that your lives will change for ever (in good ways and bad).
You both need to be involved in child caring, child rearing and domestic duties. You both need to be on the same page re acceptable behaviour and discipline.
You both need to be on the same page re careers for both of you.
You both need to be on the same page re finances. You can afford more cleaning hours and probably a nanny if you want your career to continue. But make sure the expenses are shared.

I'm not seeing where the above will be fulfilled from what you've said so far.