A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

What I can’t stand is when women say I was just like you, adamant I don’t ever want kids then changed my mind/contraception failed/DH convinced me and it was the best thing ever! But I was just like you.

No you were never like me. I know and have known for decades & decades since I was a teen I didn’t want any. We were never alike, I’m not going to have a child ever.

I am not at all like you. I’ve always wanted children. I have 3. I do love being a mother. I wouldn’t change it but it’s all consuming. I spent a decade either pregnant and or breastfeeding. I’m tired. My pelvic floor is not happy I have a prolapse of sorts. I am only now getting to sleep through. If I hadn’t wanted this more than anything I can only imagine how much harder it would be. Honestly I think being a parent has highlighted how important validating the choice not to have children is. Having them because of expectations or pressure is not a good idea.

Same energy as "detransitioners were never really trans"

Ah ok Middlelanehogger. I thought you were speaking from experience. I didn't realize you don't have kids yourself.

You could also have a child with Colic that cries for four hours a night five minths straight, an autistic child, I child that doesn't feed well, a child that hardly sleeps, a child that doesn't like school and you're constantly pulled aside by know it all teachers at hometime, the tantrums in public then there's the bàck chat with teens, the drink n drugs they ALL try. These are all possibilities and you never know but once you have them you cannot give them back! What ever you have you're stuck with and if it goes wrong it will totally change your life. You can get a nanny, a housekeeper, a cleaner but none of these will get up at night to feed or to pace the floor because baby won't sleep, the arguments because you resent DH sleeping because he has to get up for work.....these happen when you wanted children but if you're only having one for him, forget it the stress of having another life to be responsible for will break you up anyway. It's a no win and remember when you do split it'll be YOU who takes the baby it'll be you that's left with the responsibility. It's a no win so think very carefully hun

So many drama lamas about having children on here.

People have been having children for ever. Reliable contraception only being available since the 1960s.

It’s many would argue the point of life, fulfilling and magical. Why is everyone listing the worst things that can happen or making out like it’s a torture.

Also people mortally offended by people asking if they are sure need to get over themselves.

Yeah. I simply don't believe this magical circle of friends with all the gentle questioning of reproductive choices where no one gets tired of it and it all has deep meaning to friendships 😂 Soz.

The only time we should be asking "are you sure" about bkg decisions is when someone wants to by a cryto out of nowhere.

I suspect it is you that needs to get over themselves.

People are listing the things that aren’t positive and that could go wrong so that the OP thinks it through and is realistic.

Many go into parenthood romanticising it. No doubt there’s a lot of good that comes with kids otherwise people wouldn’t choose to have multiple. There’s also a lot of sacrifices to be made and a lot of hard work and if you don’t truly want a child it may not seem worth it.

Would you rather people just came on here and told OP it’s all sunshine and roses and to go for it and end up with a child she didn’t want and finding out that was a lie?

people get annoyed with being asked if we’re sure about being child free because it comes on top of the usual bingos. “You’ll change your mind,” “what about when you get older?” “Isn’t that a bit…selfish?” “Don’t you want to give your parents grandkids?” “If you don’t have kids how will you ever know true love?”

we get a lot of judgement and nonsense thrown out way. At the core of it is the assumption that we couldn’t possibly know our own mind and need someone else to educate us and lead us to the light.

No one would act like that about someone choosing to have kids. We would assume that they know what they’re doing.

You come across as one of those women who question the perfectly rational choices of women who chose to be child free.

Not everyone feels the same as you.

I am a parent and adore my DD, but becoming a parent after 23 years of adulthood was hard, very hard. Add in the fact that DD was medically vulnerable and involved weeks and weeks of hospital stays this turned into a double whammy of loss of freedom and loss of my own identity, albeit temporarily.

Not every woman is broody.

we get a lot of judgement and nonsense thrown out way. At the core of it is the assumption that we couldn’t possibly know our own mind and need someone else to educate us and lead us to the light.

Yes😂

If it’s so fulfilling and magical why have I been told and read on here so often “if I knew then what I know now I would never have had them”

And women have been ridding themselves of unwanted pregnancies and babies forever too. Don’t forget that small detail.

For some people it is a horrible proposition, the antithesis of ‘fulfilling and magical’, and something to be avoided at all costs.

Oh, and it’s not uncommon for people to dislike being patronized and treated like they can’t be trusted to know their own minds.

Quite. There are threads on here regularly showing how it's anything but magical.

I don't know how anybody could possibly advise on this one. I always wanted to be a mum and I love it. I love seeing my husband being a brilliant dad to our kids and I'll never forget the look of pure joy on his face in the delivery rooms when our babies were born. To me, raising children is the meaning of life and nothing can bring that amount of happiness. But that's me. I would never try to persuade or question anybody who didn't want them. You say you and your husband were teenagers when you met. It's not unreasonable that he wants children now. It's one of the strongest desires we humans have. Neither of you are the bad guy here.

Divorce him, he’s an idiot
And please DO NOT HAVE A CHILD IF YOU DONT WANT TO!
It’s hard enough when you want to have a kid 😂

@Ndhdiwntbsivnwg What an extreme overreaction. Why is he an idiot for wanting to have a child with his wife?

"I don't want to" - is a complete sentence in this case.

You do not have to justify yourself.

You were always open about it and knew that when he married you.

Pregnancy takes a huge toll on your body,physically and mentally.

I have friends who's parents had them for sake of other patent. They've always known it and its made for a rough relationship.

There is so much of your post I could have written myself about 10 years ago. My OH wanted children, knew I was - at best - ambivalent on the idea and ended up putting a metaphorical gun to my head: commit to having children and being pregnant within the next year or separation.

I didn’t want children at that point and I couldn’t guarantee that would change. That and my OH had shown himself to be untrustworthy, not pulling his weight over household chores, promising things then back tracking - so how could I trust him when he swore he’d do everything for the children (because he’d made it clear one child wasn’t enough)?

We separated and while it hurt like fuck at the time, walking away was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Don’t have a child you don’t want. And read @Tangledbaby ’s post because it’s absolutely on the money.

Some of the child free are being very aggressive in defending their choice. If you are confident it's the right choice you dont need to be aggressive, that suggests you doubt and need to convince yourself.

I do question people who are determined to have children. They are an expensive luxury, you dont know what you'll get but you can be sure it'll bring problems with it. Your life and relationships will change forever. You dont have children expecting them to look after you when older. Few children will do that and few parents would want them to do so. If you want love get a dog. The question is more about whether having a child is actually an experience the OP will regret missing later on or where having a child is going to be an experience she would regret more. Her second post seemed to have an element of doubt, probably because she is doubtful about a life without this husband.

Although science doesnt seem to have an explanation for it the desire to have a child does sometimes hit women who have never previously wanted one and that may be the OP in a few years time. Some people find that having a child changes their view of the world completely, that there is no more important task than creating life - even if that life causes you pain. No way to tell if OP will be one of them.

OP what experience of children does your husband have? Does he have nieces and nephews? Do you have friends with especially demanding children that you can expose him to? Does he want an excuse to recreate his own childhood, has the play gone out of your life?

One way or another your life is going to change and no-one else can make the choice for you. It's fine to say no, I'd rather lose you than have a child. I know one couple where the woman has done this to a man who loves and wanted children and they are still together in their 50s. They have a dog.

I love my husband and would consider giving him a child this is the reason you shouldn’t have a child. A child should be wanted by both parents, not some ‘thing’ to be given

Many good rational comments on here. I have 2 kids both now young adults. If I was at that stage again I would not have had kids in this current world, as I am terrified at the way this planet is burning up and so anxious for my children’s future, I’m heartbroken for them.

Ever had a colic baby that wouldn't feed? One that couldn't settle at school for years? A teen on drugs? Drama lama? Yeah ok, whatever!!

Big car, house and holidays don’t sound like an amazing life to me. A family life with chides and a comfortable financial situation does but to each their own.

“Some of the child free are being very aggressive in defending their choice. If you are confident it's the right choice you dont need to be aggressive, that suggests you doubt and need to convince yourself.”

That’s the ol’ cod psychology that really is beyond retirement age tbh. It’s more likely that the childfree are tired of their choices being seen as less than, something they have to justify, and be persuaded away from. That, and the patronizing overtones of ‘but are you really sure?’, suggest that one doesn’t know their own mind.

Personally I don’t mind being asked about it, but then it doesn’t happen a lot, and when it does I’ve found that people do generally tend to take my word for it. Had that not been the case then I can imagine I would be more inclined to defensiveness.

@Nogg You sound like you are trying way too hard to convince yourself you made the right choice having children, like you're over-egging it and protesting too much. It sounds like you're the (aggressive) drama llama here who needs to get over themself. We get it, you're defensive and probably regret having children.