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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end 20 year friendship over this?

291 replies

BirdieStar · 16/07/2023 16:20

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 16/07/2023 16:23

Sad that someone has decided to choose such an awful man and has such low self-esteem.

I think you should distance yourself, whilst recognising there sadness it brings.

OrwellianTimes · 16/07/2023 16:26

Yeah she’s found herself a loser and lowered herself to his standards sadly.

All you can do is step back and hope she will come to her senses.

Trinity69 · 16/07/2023 16:26

Agree with PP. Distance yourself and mourn the friendship. Just be aware that if the relationship ends she’ll probably want back in and will no doubt do the same when the next person comes along.

Mortgageportgage · 16/07/2023 16:28

I'd drop her, she's not a good friend.

MayThe4th · 16/07/2023 16:29

I would have ended the friendship when she got together with an ex con who didn’t see his kids.

Kitkatfiend31 · 16/07/2023 16:29

Just don't make plans with her that matter or will cost you money. If she says she wants to meet up tell her to come to you one afternoon and just assume she won't. Get on with your stuff and if she turns up it will be a bonus. Or tell her if you are meeting others so she has the option to join you. It is sad. It might be worth being blunt with her and telling her what a, waste she us making if her life. Might give her food for thought and isn't going to damage the friendship more than it currently is.

Original poster
BirdieStar · 16/07/2023 16:29

Yep! I have no doubts that she would probably be straight back if the relationship ended but I’d not let her back in.

OP posts:
PrincessIntrovert · 16/07/2023 16:31

Yeah I'd be letting her go

Marmalady75 · 16/07/2023 16:31

Take a big step back. She has made her choice clear, now make your choice clear.

swayingpalmtree · 16/07/2023 16:31

She’s not a good friend. She wouldn’t be a good friend even IF she was doing this to spend time with a decent guy!

Id be backing off entirely and when he screws her over which he absolutely will I’m sure she’ll come crawling back with a sob story wanting you to pick up the pieces. Don’t fall for it, it’ll happen again when the next loser asks her out. It’s horribly sad but it’s also true that we teach others how to treat us and if you keep putting up with this behaviour it will continue forever. I’m really sorry, I know how much it hurts x

WimpoleHat · 16/07/2023 16:32

I had a similar situation with a friend of mine. It is very upsetting - but in the end you just have to accept that the friendship didn’t mean as much to them as it did to you and move on from it. It’s hard and it’s painful - but she’s shown you who she is and the value she places on your friendship. And you deserve better than that from a friend.

Laiste · 16/07/2023 16:33

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

Distance yourself.
Some people change as they get older. Not always for the better, or in ways that mean they are still compatible with you.

It will hurt. Be prepared for that. Mourn the friendship you had and get on with your life Flowers

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 16:34

I don't think you should confront her, she is probably in the love bombing stage of a controlling relationship- she has to realize in her own time. One of my friends send me a very confrontational txt when from the outside she probably could have written this post (I wasn't being as bad as op friend) and I didn't take it well at the time I thought she was jealous.

Send her a message saying you've missed her but she's seemed super busy. You hope to spend time with her again soon as you love her a lot and the door is always open xxx

After that stop making effort - when this guy leaves her or when she is plucking up courage to leave and reaches out, be there for her x

becauseicanthatswhy · 16/07/2023 16:36

This is a sad situation.
She is being influenced by the boyfriend I'd assume but she is also an adult.
Stop making the effort.
Be there for her when it all goes upside down, because it will. In the meantime, do your own thing.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 16/07/2023 16:37

She's made her choice, and now you know who's more important to her.
I'm going through similar, and I've stepped back.

It's hurtful, and you'll mourn the friendship, but friends don't treat each other like this.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/07/2023 16:37

If he's her first BF she may not realize how poor his behaviour is, she's letting him control her and thinking it's normal, maybe he emotionally blackmails her about going out without him. I know she's being a crap friend Op but if you cut her off her situation may get worse. Could you go round and see her unexpectedly and get her out for the day?

ymemanresu · 16/07/2023 16:37

Do you think there could be a possibility that he's controlling her and they're using drugs together? Drugs make people really selfish . Id tell her firmly that you've had enough, give her one last chance and say if she does it again, you're ending the friendship.

SchoolShenanigans · 16/07/2023 16:38

I would send her a message, letting her know she's upset you and really let you down. That her actions have consequences and you aren't willing to be treated poorly anymore. And that you hope she's able to see the relationship for what it is, before she ruins every other relationship she has. Then I'd cut contact.

You can keep trying, but it won't make a difference.

It sounds like she's on a path to destruction. Has she started taking drugs?

UpUpUpU · 16/07/2023 16:39

I’d be keeping a close eye on her. She may be in an abusive or coercive relationship

Dutch1e · 16/07/2023 16:40

ymemanresu · 16/07/2023 16:37

Do you think there could be a possibility that he's controlling her and they're using drugs together? Drugs make people really selfish . Id tell her firmly that you've had enough, give her one last chance and say if she does it again, you're ending the friendship.

I wondered this too.

Missing important stuff while just sitting around at home can often mean a person is getting high. I'm not judging drug use, just familiar with the behaviour.

TheFireflies · 16/07/2023 16:41

BirdieStar · 16/07/2023 16:29

Yep! I have no doubts that she would probably be straight back if the relationship ended but I’d not let her back in.

The concern that I would have is that she’s in an abusive and controlling relationship and he’s isolating her from friends. While I understand you stepping back, I wouldn’t completely shut the door on her in the future if she needs you.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/07/2023 16:41

BirdieStar · 16/07/2023 16:29

Yep! I have no doubts that she would probably be straight back if the relationship ended but I’d not let her back in.

I'd tell her the hard truth about this man and then say that you were backing away from her. But that the door was open if she opens her eyes.

I have a friend in an abusive marriage. Her H made her life hell over our friendship. She knows exactly how he is but she's made her choice so I stopped trying to keep in touch. But if she called me today I'd welcome her back with open arms.

Chances are it will never happen but because of our past friendship and the times we've dried each other's tears, I will always keep that door open. Even though she's the one who closed it.

potentialmediator · 16/07/2023 16:41

That’s really hurtful. I agree to back off - she sounds too chaotic now to invest in any nice plans.
I would say though that most of us/our friends or family go off the rails at some point and aren’t great to be around. When her relationship hopefully implodes, I’d be open to having contact. As long as you express how unacceptable her behaviour was.
It would be sad if 20 years went down the drain if she’s fundamentally a good friend. But you’d have to see how it all plays out as can’t be completely one-sided.

Theimpossiblegirl · 16/07/2023 16:45

Tell her you care about her and are there if she ever sees the light and dumps him, then take a big step back.

I think he's either controlling her, and/or she's joining him in the drug taking. There's nothing you can do.

OddsOff · 16/07/2023 16:45

I lost a friend over her crappy BF, I criticised him but he was abusing her, even DH didn’t like him and he likes everyone as so chilled out. In the 30 years I have known him he has made two negative remarks about people. Another friend is besotted with her DH no falling out but it’s them against the world and no one else.