To end 20 year friendship over this?

[BirdieStar]

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

I've not read all the comments but it sounds to me (having been there myself) that the bf is controlling. At first she may have felt swept up by his 'love' but he may use that to control her, possibly without her realising, to not disappointing him - the waiting in for a package for him is a massive red flag for me as it means he's distancing her from her friends AND knows where she is all day.
I wasn't as taken in as your friend seems to be but I still alienated almost all of my friends and family, it was about a year before I realised that all that was left in the relationship was fear. He was vile to me 90% of the time unless we were having sex, then afterwards he'd be vile about that too.
It was awful and some of my friends seemed to want to 'teach me a lesson' when I'd finally gotten up the courage to LTB, then just didn't want to know. I had become a shell of my former self and it took months of therapy to get me back to even slightly as I was before.
Luckily I had a couple of friends and my family who were still there and gave me the support to regain my identity, but the fear remains for me as I unfortunately had a child with this man - a child is ultimate control for these vile me - so I live with the fear daily. But thanks to those who did stick around and my partner now, I'm back to my old self.
I know it's bitterly disappointing to have your friend change so much and let you down, maybe it's non of the above, but if it is then soon enough she's going to need a good friend to support her on her terms to dig herself out of the hole so many decent women (and men) have fallen down. If I were you, I'd be there for her then, and I'd be available for her now too, she may not realise or want to admit what's going on; hopefully she will realise before it's too late.

Right - stop this, stop arranging things, stop contact and let her have her relationship, she will either sink or swim with him.

By the time she comes to her senses, you will have either moved on or she will have realised how stupid she's been.

Agree with Emotionalsupportviper. This is totally out of character. I think that she had been desperate to be in a relationship for a long time and is literally blinded by it and this man. If you think of her as family don’t cut her out, she has behaved badly but she needs you now more than ever, she just doesn’t see it right now. See it as a madness and not a rejection of you. Hopefully she will find herself and you all again.

I am always surprised by friendship posts on MN. In my experience, friendships wax and wane over the years. The idea of formally 'dumping' a friend or "ending the friendship" is completely alien to me. If a friend starts acting in a way that is odd or unpleasant, what most normal people do is a) wonder if there's a reason; and b) take a step back. The friendship might re-emerge, and it might not - but it seems totally unnecessary to me to end a friendship in the way you might end a romantic relationship.

OP, you are also making it all about you. It isn't about you. Your friend has 'blocked' you, so there's nothing you can do at the moment and you just need to get on with your life. But given that she is behaving in a manner unusual for her, I really wouldn't make it worse by dumping her.

Agree with frankiefirstyear. I was in a abusive relationship and this has all the hallmarks, thankfully my parents and friends helped me escape and those old friends are still with me fifteen years after I left him. So grateful to them that they stuck around.

I would be concerned that she is in a controlling relationship.

Of course it’s about the OP, they’re asking if they are being unreasonable and for advice. They can only tell the story from their perspective. If the friend wants advice then she posts her own thread 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would distance yourself but keep an eye on her from a distance. He sounds like he’s probably controlling. Staying in for a package screams this to me. So while I would definitely cool the relationship I would probably keep up a distant conversation so she feels like she has someone to turn to when this ‘ inevitably’ goes pear shaped.

Would you? Really? How odd. If it didn’t change her in any way you would end a 20yr friendship because you didn’t like the sound of her bf that you’d never met? You sound like a good pair!

Sadly, I think you need to distance yourself from your friend but be ready to be there when the fallout comes. If you have been friends for 20 years you know the person that she is but it sounds like this guy has really done a number on her. She's fallen hook line and sinker and only she can come to the realisation that he's bad news.
Take a step back, say that you think you need some space from the friendship and that you'll be there for her when she see's the light.
Hugs for you x

I agree with those saying these are signs of a controlling, abusive relationship. The crux of it for me is that this is extremely out of character and unprecedented. This doesn't mean that it's now your responsibility to sort it out and put your own feelings aside - not at all! But I think worth bearing in mind when you make your decision about how to proceed. I would do as others have suggested and distance yourself, but leave the door open. She may get to a point where she really needs a friend, and it sounds like for 20 years she has been a good friend to you. Once again though I must reiterate, I'm not placing any responsibility or obligation on you. Your feelings matter and it must be heartbreaking to be ditched like this. It seems so out of character though that I do believe there's something going on.

Do you not wonder that her boyfriend has coercive control over her and she has to make excuses to stop him being angry with her . She might not even realise that it is happening.

Hi all, sorry last night I think I just felt angry and upset. I did phone the police for advice afternoon and they’ve said I can go in and speak to someone but ultimately it would be up to my friend to disclose that this abusive relationship was happening and if she doesn’t there isn’t much that they can do.

I just think the worrying things are the change in personality, the exchanges of money etc.

You might try contacting Womens Aid for advice on how to respond when it seems a friend is in a coercive relationship. The more I think about it, the odder it is to suddenly block all your friends (of 20 years) without so much as a word.

She's in an abusive relationship. The abuser is trying to isolate her that's why she's missing the planned meetings with her friends. He either manipulates her by pretending sad/ill/lonely/etc or outright threatens her. So she will need a good friend now more than ever. I have been married to a narcissistic psychopath for over 10 years. They absolutely love ruining your plans, you personality, your life.

I would ring her and tell her how you feel and tell her you will be taking a step back from the friendship. Tell her you are concerned at her erratic behaviour and it seems off and not her usual character. Ask her if she is in an abusive relationship? If she says no, tell her you won’t be making any more immediate plans with her because you don’t want to waste your time, but you will be there when she comes to her senses or if she needs help or to talk. Then stop arranging things. Maybe send her a text every now and again and ask her if she’s ok, but the end of the day she has to decide for herself to end her relationship and it’s likely that she’s still too loved up to see sense at the moment.

Maybe it was Jim that blocked you and not her

Him

It is highly possible that your friend is in an abusive controlling relationship. All you can do is give her support if she asks and find out your local Women's Aid phone number for when she asks for help.
Women's Aid helped me.

Sorry about the update 😔 it must be very hurtful.
She will probably regret it will be day, hopefully not because her relationship had turned violent.
Is she still in touch with her family?

It sounds like this boyfriend is making her distance herself from her friends- do you know if she's behaving like this with anyone else, like other friends, or missing work to be with him, things like that? I don't know G, but if my friend started acting like this after getting into a relationship with a drug-doing ex offender, I'd be concerned for their wellbeing. I'd suggest checking on her, trying to get her to talk privately and seriously, to try and figure out if something is wrong.

If this is messing with your mental health and making you feel drained or something, then it is absolutely not unreasonable to distance yourself for a time, but after such a long friendship I would say that you are unlikely to stay apart forever. If this is something you feel like you need to do, I would suggest instead of 'ending the friendship', maybe try taking a break instead. Who knows, maybe some time apart without worrying about each other would do you both good.

Sadly, some men are just toxic, but addictive. In all likelihood (and with luck), she will see him for what he is and her relationship will end badly.
I understand how you feel, and it make sense to keep your distance - she clearly can't be relied on for anything at the moment. You are obviously torn, but if you didn't care, you would not have posted this - keep the lines of communication open. She will need her friend when the relationship ends.
But that could be months or even years away.

Just an update guys. Things took a bit of a turn today.

Our other friend, Maggie (fake name) emailed/lost her cool with our friend and told her she needed to return the money owed to her (1500 for the rental deposit) or she would seek out a CCJ, it was agreed it would be paid back in installments but friend has been a bit lax . Now our friend is terrified of this as her mum had a lot to deal with at courts-and friend has a pure fear of solicitors and other stuff.

Our friend has emailed very bluntly and agreed to pay it all today which makes zero sense as friend doesn't earn a lot and was last month contemplating on getting a payday loan as she had no money. So where she would get 1500 from I don't know, as her bf also doesn't have a job. Maggie also told her that we would be going to the police about her BF and his behaviour and seeking a Clare's law disclosure- which I wish she hadn't of said- friend hasn't responded for this.

I have decided that I will be seeking that Clare's law disclosure today however as I am worried about my friend and it's likely she won't speak to any of us again anyway now so there's no harm?

I just wish that Maggie hadn't told our friend we were thinking of it. Friend may now also get a payday loan to pay the 1500 which I hate the thought of but don't feel like I can intervene now.

Well, regardless of whether it was objectively the best plan, this is what's happened now. Seeking the Clare's Law disclosure won't do any harm in itself. I feel like this response (from yourself and from Maggie) is natural, after this alarmingly stark behaviour change after 20 years of friendship. We can't always operate coolly and logically, so don't be too hard on yourself. You're wanting to help your friend.