To end 20 year friendship over this?

[BirdieStar]

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

Cocaine!

One day she will need you/want you when this all goes tits up, which it will. If you then cave she will drop you the moment that the next useless man comes along, because her self esteem is evidently very low and she will take anyone and be treated any how. Her priority will always be the useless man in her life. I would walk away. The only thing that I would decide was whether you just quietly step away or whether you tell her how let down/disrespected you have felt.

As someone who used to volunteer for Victim Support, I think suddenly dropping a friendship because of a man/other relationship, dropping out of plans last minute etc. is a HUGE red flag that that new relationship is controlling/abusive especially such a long friendship as yours and for someone out of their teen years.

Instead of letting her go, I'd stop making plans but I'd also try to meet this guy and get to know him. And have a heart to heart with her anf try to find out what's really going on.

I agree with PPs that this sounds like it could be a controlling/abusive relationship so think it would be wrong to drop her altogether as hopefully she will come out of it one day and realise how awful she was (the waiting in for a package instead of going out with you strongly suggests a very problematic power dynamic). For your sake though I would step back, just leave her to take the lead.

I’d step back but at the same time I’d also be aware that this is her first ever relationship with someone and I guess she’s going to be approaching it with a high level of ‘immaturity’ (I don’t mean that in an insulting way) and inexperience of navigating friendships and relationships. I would imagine she is also likely in those lovely first stages of a relationship that you have when your young before you become old and jaded like me 🤣

She’s let you down so badly, you must feel so sad about it. I’d keep her at arms length and not make any more plans with her until this waster is off the scene.

This

Don't be harsh. If she hasn't been in adult relationships before she is doing the total idiot stuff 20-30 years late (okay not everyone does it at all). She will come to her senses, take a step back for now but don't dump a twenty year friendship, life is complicated and people are deluded fools sometimes - try not to take it personally, it's not really a rejection of you.

My immediate thoughts from reading your post before reading the comments were that it sounds like her boyfriend is in the process of isolating her from her friends, potentially family too. He's likely controlling and abusing her. He may have potentially got her started on drugs too.

I would not confront her or end your friendship.

I'd just not organise anything so that you aren't let down but always keep communication lines open, so that if she ever needs you, you're there for her. Never send her any messages about him, if he's reading/checking her phone, it could cause her to receive abuse from him.

I'd be very worried about her so always keep in mind to never do or say anything that could put her in danger/jeopardy.

She’s been a good friend for 20+ years and you don’t know the full circumstances of her relationship with this loser, he could be isolating her, it could be an abusive relationship. I would distance myself and I wouldn’t make any more plans with her but I would keep in touch with texts/messages. If she eventually sees the light and plucks up enough courage to dump him then she needs to know that she’ll have help and support. Ending the friendship is removing her safety net. It’s up to you in the end.

@oakleaffy thank you. I have went back & read your post. Sorry I am not the person you are looking for but I hope one day you manage to re-connect with her.

No need to end your friendship with her. She doesn’t want your friendship for the moment anyway as she’s too enmeshed and not thinking straight.
Just protect yourself by not making any more plans and by having zero expectations of her. Step right back for now until she asks why or until she comes running in despair about him as it’s doubtful the relationship will last. Then you can tell her straight and see how she responds. Take it from there.
She’s not hearing anything you say while she’s embroiled with her new bf.

This seems a shame. After 20 years and someone I cared about, I’d take a step back but I’d make it clear that I would be there for them if things didn’t work out.

It sounds like they have a very unhealthy relationship.

On the one hand she’s being a real dick to you and you can’t just put up with that.

On the other hand, the second step in a controlling/abusive relationship (after the first step: love bombing) is usually to alienate and separate the victim from her friends and family. So given this man’s history, current behaviour and also her lack of experience with men, I suspect that this relationship is eventually going to turn nasty for her.

If it was me, I’d speak to her (not just send a message that he can see/delete) and say that since meeting him her behaviour in your friendship has changed massively, that you are worried about her, and that if she ever needs help or emotional support as a result of that relationships to please come to you, but until then you think it’s best not to arrange meetups as she clearly isn’t able to be a real friend to you at the moment.

Or, just ditch her 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't blame her boyfriend, but her. It's her decision to be influenced by him. I'd back off and stop engaging with her. No more gifts, just end them. No more arranging things, leave her out. If she sees photos on your social media celebrating things, she may message asking why she wasn't invited. Just be truthful and say she never turns up to things anymore. She'll soon realise in a year's time, that all she's done is watch her boyfriend play computer games! She's in her 40s, so old enough to know better.

Tricky one. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt this time. I would definitely step back and stop arranging stuff but still be in the background in case he was abusive.

However, if it turns out this is going to be a pattern of behaviour on her part where she treats you badly and drops you every time she meets a new man then expects you to be there every time it falls apart then I’d dump her. You cannot be responsible for her life choices, she’s a grown woman and once might be a mistake but if it keeps on happening then that’s on her. Friendship has to go both ways.

I don't think this is a fair comment. It very much sounds like she may be a victim in an abusive relationship. A main trait of abusers is to ISOLATE their partners from friends and family. Are you saying that people who are victims in abusive relationships have made their own decision to be? Age is irrelevant here, people of any age can fall victim to an abusive person.

If you don't want to let go of the friendship, just don't make as many plans and expect to be let down, so have something planned as a fall back. Just lower your expectations whilst she is with him.

I think you should step back, and be honest with her. Tell her that she’s really changed since meeting bf, that you’ve been hurt and let down by her behaviour and so you won’t be arranging things or inviting her to things going forward. Let her know if things change or she wants to make an effort again, she knows where you are.

Tell her honestly that you expect more in friendship and give a few examples of how she let you down. Then move on, and see if she even tries to be a friend. It doesn't really matter if it's drugs or chaotic lifestyle with boyfriend, she's made her choice for now.
It must be very upsetting, but cut her loose before she really breaks your heart.

Really? I don't know if I believe this.

It's been 20 years, she is showing all the signs of being in a controlling and coercive relationship and you're wondering whether to drop her?

She probably needs you now more than ever.

I agree with you. It's not right to victim blame.

I completely get you point of view. However, She’s inexperienced in relationships and is behaving like someone much younger as a result.

I wouldn’t write off a 20 year friendship, friends like these are hard to come by. She’s being a dick right now, but he might be abusive and controlling.

I would explain your disappointment then step back from the friendship. Given the length of friendship, I’d also be prepared to pick up the pieces when this relationship ends, and rekindle your friendship as she’ll regret it and then need you.

@ReadingSoManyThreads
Honestly, most of the time when someone's being abused, they can leave. My sister knew her boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic, but said she loved him. Once a year they broke up and she came with us for 2 weeks. I helped her get a job. She had options. But always decided to go back. Until he threw their newborn baby down the road in his car seat. Neighbours reported him to social services, and he wasn't allowed near the baby. My sister chose the baby, over him. Which honestly surprised me. People do have choices.

Exactly this. She's not really had a relationship before and unfortunately has been taken in by a complete loser who is trying and succeeding to isolate her. You have to protect yourself from this but as a good friend maybe you can be clear you aren't closing the door on her when she comes to her senses.