To end 20 year friendship over this?

[BirdieStar]

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

This.

She needs to know how much she's hurt you. I would send her a message explaining everything and that you can't have a friendship with her right now.

It is a shame but sometimes friendships do change and end. I would be letting this friendship go. She has treated you without respect and without considering your feelings.

She may be using drugs...

This is very probable, a family member had a complete personality transplant after her marriage ended and she started dating a supposedly “former” addict. She went from being a pillar of the community to a scummy lowlife thanks to his malevolent influence. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

I'd be concerned that is is abusive. She's excited to come but then has to cancel - je could be causing her to cancel due to his behaviour. Jealousy/getting in a mood and it's easier to let you down that go out.

I would make an application to Claire's Law and the police will advise her if he has a history of this behaviour.

I'd also be VERY careful about what goes in text messages/you say on calls. And try to see her alone, and let her know that you'll be there if she needs you.

It may be that she's just being a dick, and is all about her new man. But I'd be worried there's more to it.

It's very hurtful though, especially as you have been friends for so long. Happy Birthday. Try not to let this upset you too much.

If she hasn’t a lot of experiences with relationships she will be behaving like a lovesick teenager. That’s not intended as an excuse, just an observation.

From what you’ve said I would be annoyed as well, but more concerned than annoyed. I’d worry there is potential for abuse. This man sounds like bad news. I wonder if he is controlling her now. I would take a step back but also be prepared to pick up the pieces when the time comes. After 20 years of friendship I would still want to support my friend.

We don’t know that she’s a victim.

He’s a nasty piece of work, the fact that he’s a druggy with a history of having done time is clear evidence of that.

But she got involved with him knowing who and what he was. So while she may be being isolated, she has demonstrated questionable judgement by entering into this relationship in the first place.

We have to stop infantilising women as if they have no choice and aren’t in control of their own actions. Knowing getting involved with a drug using ex convict was something she had control over, so even if she left him, her judgement still remains questionable.

I don't equate acknowledging that anyone can become a victim as infantilism.

It certainly sounds like she's being controlled. If you think this would never happen to you, it's not up to me to persuade you otherwise. But I'll advise you to be aware that control and abuse can be absolutely insidious and can take over your life before you've even had a chance to notice it happening.

Same. Absolutely. If she came back, I’d definitely let her back in. You’ve known her for 20 years and this is her first relationship. She may not be all that young but she’s clearly got a lot to learn. If she came back, I’d be welcoming her and suggesting the freedom programme.

This!! I came here to say the same.

Also, several years ago I had VERY poor mental health, and despite really wanting to go to events like you've mentioned when it came to the crunch I just cope with it, and bottled out. I blamed work and said I'd had to stay late or work to cover shifts(NHS). I neglected friends and relationships, but most of all myself. @BirdieStar do you think this could be it if she's just cooped up in the flat watching him play computer games? If her world has become very small the thought of big events may be too daunting and too much to cope with.

I lost a great friend to a controlling abusive man - I told her exactly how it was going to go, he told her I was manipulative and a liar... and then over the course of 5 years did exactly what I'd said he would do, pretty much to the fucking letter.

I know this as she got back in touch the day she moved into her new home, having left him, and we are now good friends again (though, not quite to the same level of closeness and familiarity, but in part that is due to living 100's of miles apart now).

I would let her know you can't maintain a friendship where one party lets the other down all the time, and whilst you're worried this man is controlling her and damaging her relationship with others, you're not willing to let her upset and hurt you again. Leave the door open for her to get back in touch if she ever ends this relationship.

She already ended the friendship. Sorry.

I would not make any plans with her again, and tell her the reason why. I wouldn't turn my back on her completely just yet. This is her first relationship & she's set her bar low. She might be being influenced & controlled by this loser. I would tell her you're stepping back for now as she's not being a good friend. I'd also stress that you'll be here for her when it all goes wrong; but she'd only get one more chance. If she treats you like this again you're done. Then step back and hope she comes to her senses.

100% this OP. I wouldn’t end the friendship. Your friend might be in trouble and might need you. 5 hours drunk? Or on drugs? I know what I’d put my money on sadly.

What awful behaviour and I can fully appreciate that your upset by her actions. Some people are literally love blind and cannot comprehend not spending time with that person no matter who they are letting down. If it were me; I would send her a message and explain how your feeling; what she's done and that you feel your friendship is on the brink. If she cares enough she will apologise and make more effort, if she isn't sincere and apologies then she's ready for the trash.

Whilst it is sad that her self-worth is so low that she's taken up with such a loser, and I can slightly empathise with this being her first relationship and hence her getting more than a bit carried away with it, she is still CHOOSING to treat you really rather poorly, OP.

Unfortunately, I think you're right. It's not a one off. She's shown she is prepared for you to lose money, for you to be left in the shit with regards to your birthday cake, to miss important birthday celebrations and is prepared to tell really shitty lies to cover her tracks.

Maybe the lowlife is rubbing off on her? Maybe she's vulnerable and he's pulling her strings/controlling her? At the end of the day, whatever the excuse, you just do not have to put up with that shit.

I'd be blocking and moving on. She knows where you are if she wants to come grovelling after they split up. Not that I'd blame you if you shut the door in her face.

I'd step back but there's a possibility he's being coercive. I wouldn't close the door entirely

You’d have ended a 20 year friendship because they started a relationship with someone who doesn’t see their kids?

Wild.

I would not formally end the friendship. But I would step back and leave her to contact you. She will need you at some point. Up to you if you want to be there. I’d wait and see.

Lots of very nasty judgemental comments about this guy.

@WildUnchartedWaters I assume the things the OP knows about him came via the girlfriend given she's never met him. So it's the girlfriend who said, among other things, he plays games all day long even though he's 40. I mean, he doesn't come across as a peach, unless you can buy those dipped in alcohol too!

No, but hes been subject to lots of names on this thread.

Unless he is abusive, and we have no evidence he is, it's her behaviour.

"Honestly, most of the time when someone's being abused, they can leave."

@Beautiful3 how ignorant of you. You really should keep your ignorant opinions of victims of domestic abuse to yourself.

Agreed. I'm appalled.