To end 20 year friendship over this?

[BirdieStar]

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

She may be in a controlling relationship or she may just be behaving very badly. Either way you need to drop the rope. Don't make any plans and if she tries to arrange a meet up just brush it off, say something like 'l I know you're so busy now, let's not fix anything in stone'. And then let it drift. If it is a controlling relationship you might want to be there on the flip side for her, at which point you might get an apology.

OP this sounds like the honeymoon phase of a damaging relationship that will end badly. I had a good friend like this and luckily when I stepped back and it ended she went back to normal. The next time she was in a relationship she was much more healthy.

If she hasn’t been in a relationship for a while maybe she has some fears about being single again that she needs to work through.

Definitely take a massive step back, but maybe don't drop her completely. She might be just so completely besotted with him that nothing else matters to her, in which case she sucks. Or she might be being controlled by him, in which case she'll need her friends when she finally realises. Either way, I'd back off but wouldn't drop her altogether.

I’d be worried about her tbh. What’s going on there?

YANBU to be pissed off, disappointed, sad, hurt and confused by the horrible change in behaviour.

However I’d keep the door open if she does leave him. It seems odd that she’s suddenly behaving in a way that is alienating everyone around her and causing her to become ever more isolated in this sad existence. It doesn’t sound like he has much of a life of his own.

Some people can be very manipulative and if this is really out of character having known her for 20 years, I’d be concerned for her whilst also doing whatever you need to do for yourself.

You can't change people. They are who they are. If she's happy and you're not, then move on. It sounds as though she's in an abusive relationship so, hopefully, she'll see the light. If she's always been a lovely person and a wonderful friend I'd leave the door open for the friendship to resume in the future (when she LTB) but I wouldn't go out of my way to engage with her in terms of making plans anymore. If you've been friends for over 20 years, don't block and lose her. Abusive relationships are hard to get out of.

Yes, I was wondering about this too.

Yes I agree with this – she might be lonely and scared enough of being single that she’s allowing herself to be manipulated by this loser guy.

This

This.

I agree that you absolutely need to take a step back and protect yourself from her letting you down. But you have been friends for 20 years so I would try to keep the door open, invite her to things where it doesn't matter if she comes or not. Let her know you're still there with the odd message etc.

In this situation I'd speak with her first. As others have said there could actually be much more to this than meets the eye.
Tell her you're hurt and upset and that you had to spend your birthday chasing her as you'd been worried and that she's making you feel like an afterthought.
I'd a friend in a similar situation and when I had this chat and laid my cards on the table, it was what helped her to open up.
If there's nothing more going on then I'd take a big step back.

Drugs...

I'd leave the door open.

drugs and alcohol

It's a difficult one, because you want to give her the benefit of the doubt because of your years of friendship, but she's treating you quite poorly and that's not fair or sustainable.

I'd send a text saying that you are feeling hurt and disappointed by her not coming to your birthday, and that this is not the first time recently that she's flaked out. Ask her what has changed as this is new behaviour and in 19 years she's never behaved like this before.

At best it might shake her up and help her realise that she's being a dick. At worst you'll get a boat-load of excuses and nothing will change - in which case you'll know where you stand.

I could have written this same thread a few years ago.

My best friend completely changed when she met her new bf.
I don’t being second best but it was the constant lies and arranging something for me to get a rare babysitter and then cancel last minute, or be out and then have to go home within 20 mins and as a single parent I was paying for a babysitter that I didn’t use.

She’d also lie and borrow money off me. One time she went on holiday and she rang me up crying saying he had trapped her in a hotel room and she wanted to fly home. I took out a payday loan and transferred her the money and then she went silent and she posted photos on Facebook later on of them in a club with loads of expensive drinks.

I put up with a lot because we had been such good friends for so many years but in the end I cut contact with her.
We tried making up a couple of times but she’d always pull one of her stunts and in the end I had to put myself first.

He is definitely controlling (when we had planned to go out he’d start and argument or ring up saying their child was poorly when she wasn’t).
But my friend has to take responsibility for her actions to and at the end of the day it was her actions that were affecting me.

I would definitely pull back from this friendship.

She is an adult who is choosing to behave this way. I would consider the BBQ incident the final straw and stop contact. She obviously has no intention to meet up with you, and instead of being honest she makes up excuses and lies to you, costing you time and money and peace of mind. Her choice, but as a result I would be permanently done with her.

This.

Stop making plans, stop expect her to be reliable, but I would try and keep lines of communication open.

I'd send a short message explaining how hurt I was and then completely back off. She has made it perfectly clear that you're not a priority in her life any more.

No I don't think you should end a relationship with someone after 20 years because that is highly likely to be part of his plan.

He's isolating her from friends, family. She's practically changed her personality overnight to accommodate him. He's likely to have sold her the idea that he can give her anything and everything and if she's got low self esteem she's falling for it. She's at huge risk of DV if she's not already covering this up already.

Yes, protect yourself and your family from this man. Keep your boundaries rigid and ensure your friend knows these to reassure her the topsy turvy world he's sold her is a lie. Men like this tend to like a challenge, do not be the challenge but remind your friend that you can't wait for her to end the relationship and you will always be available to support her when she does.

I'd stop contact and tell her why , and I'd tell her I'd be there when she manages to get away from him.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Bf is probably abusive/controlling but she is in the love bombing stage where he is trying to isolate her and make her feel like she is the most special thing in the world…as long as she only spends all her time with him. He’s probably being very manipulative in making her for guilty for wanting to do things without him/see her friends. When you are in love bombing phase of an abusive/controlling relationship it’s hard to see it from anyone else’s point of view apart from the love bombers, because how could this person who is so wonderfully amazing to you be anything other than fantastic!

The fact he wrote ‘lol’ when you messaged asking where she was, is like him saying ‘haha I win’.

I would try and be gentle with your friend right now, don’t make any expensive plans with her or anything that is going to take time out of your day. Like previously said, invite her round to yours for tea etc but don’t expect her to show. What you don’t want is for her to realise she is in an abusive/controlling relationship and want to get out but feel like she is so isolated that she is stuck. Just be there for her as best you can, let her know that you’ll always be there for her and then let her get on with it while you get on with your life.

You will probably have to mourn the friendship you once had but you never know… she could realise was an utter tw*t this guy is and come back. I think calling her out on any of this stuff atm when she is so obviously being manipulated is just going to get her defences up and give the BF ammunition to paint you as a bad friend which will make her isolate herself even more.

It sounds like he is taking steps to isolate her from you and is doing a very good job of it. That is how abuse starts.

Step back a bit, stop making plans with her but keep in touch. This relationship won't go well and then she will need you.

You are being unreasonable insofar as you want your relationship with your friend to remain the same, even though she has found a partner.

Life moves on, whether we like it or not.
Let her go.
Don't promise to wait around for her.

(I get the impression you think she's making poor choices - but she's entitled to do that if she wishes.)

I wouldn’t end the friendship, but I’d certainly scale back on making any plans at all with her. I’d keep in touch with her, because I’d be concerned that her boyfriend was isolating her or that they were taking drugs together or whatever, but that’s all. I wouldn’t be arranging to meet up unless it was super casual.

I would have a proper conversation with her about this pattern of behaviour though. Not in a “Why have you ditched me for a bloke?” type way, but more like “I’m worried about you. You’ve cancelled plans or lied or not turned up several times now, and it’s really out of character. I’m worried about you, especially as I’ve never met [boyfriend] so I don’t know what your relationship’s like. I don’t want to lose you as a friend and it feels like there’s something going on here that just doesn’t feel right.”

I wouldn't cut her off, no. It sounds like she's going to need someone to support her when she realises she's being treated badly.

I strongly suspect this man is trying to isolate her by making it difficult for her to spend time with you.