To end 20 year friendship over this?

[BirdieStar]

Been I’d say best friends with G for 20 years. We are v close and do a lot together. We’ve recently just last year travelled across America together and I’d considered her family.

So a few months ago G started seeing someone for the first time and I was delighted for her. She had always shied away from relationships. However he’s turned out to be not so good, no job, does drugs, doesn’t see his child, ex-offender and refuses to meet her family or friends so we’ve never met.

This person has become her whole world and she adores him but it’s sort of taken over her life and made her a shitty friend. She keeps missing prearranged and expensive plans we’d made at last minute with some very serious excuses only for me to find out she was actually dossing at her boyfriends house. (She’s said previously he sits on games most the day and she just watches- we are 40!)

So, for example, we’d had a afternoon tea booked for a few weeks after her birthday- I paid the deposit and train tickets as part of her gift, she said she’d like to do this and said she wanted to go- talks excited really happy until the day before when she went quite cold and started saying she had to take her mum to hospital urgently. I completely understood, I rearranged the plans, lost the train money but that’s life. Only to find out by accident through her weeks later that she was actually at her boyfriends that weekend at a concert and mum was never sick. I confronted her for lying, she got upset and we moved on from it- although I was annoyed.

The same thing happened with the rescheduled date- big drama involving her now having to work and her manager saying so (the day before we were suppose to go again) to again find out that she was at her boyfriends house waiting in for a package for him.

Then comes this weekend, it’s my 40th birthday bbq. Friend is coming and really excited- messaging the day before saying that she’s going to be bringing certain things and what time train she’s getting in, she’d asked me if she could pay for the cake as part of my present and I said I’d pick her up at the station. The day comes and nobody has heard from her- we are all worried when the time the train is suppose to be getting in comes and she isn’t there, calling round, trying to get her to answer- only for her to respond 5 hours later saying she and her BF went out, got too drunk and she’d only just woken up and charged her phone. I’d messaged her BF on Facebook to check if she was ok and with him, and when he saw it later on he just replied “lol”. She’s known it was my birthday bbq for weeks.

I spent my whole birthday morning trying to get hold of her, feeling worried something had happened to find out that she had just overslept- and we had to quickly run out and get another cake too!

When I finally spoke to her, she said a half sorry but her apology was mainly about how awful she felt herself hungover.

Im feeling just so sad today, it’s like my friend has had a personality transplant since meeting this person. I’m happy for her, but I’ve never behaved this way myself when I got into a relationship.

Im really feeling like I should say enough is enough and end the friendship, but I’m heartbroken a little and trying to rationalise that before she met this person she wouldn’t have been like this in the last 19 years! She’s never been this person- it’s horrid.

but should I end the friendship and distance myself?

Let's not go blaming a victim for what appears to be an abusive relationship. The majority of women in relationships with men like this are vulnerable. Nothing to do with moral compass.

I agree her friend has been ridiculous but it goes both ways. OP could choose to be a good friend here instead of ghosting her.

You don't need to end the friendship. Just stop contacting her. It sounds like she won't puck up the slack either, but it might be the slap in the face with reality she needs.

Of course if they split up your not obliged to go back to how things was. She sounds like her friendship now isn't worth getting upset over or putting effort in.

I know it hurts. Been there. But you can minimise your hurt by just detaching from her. If she calls then great but stop arranging things with her. If she arranges a meet up make sure it's low effort for you so your not put out if she doesn't turn up. With my ex friend I asked to meet in Sainsbury's cafe as I was out shopping anyway, however it only took two suggestions of that before I never say her again. Before then I was turning up at country cafes to find a text saying she was ill etc.

Are you sure the boyfriend is not being controlling so she isn't allowed to meet up?

I wish your Initials were A.H ( See post above I wrote)
my old friend had an awful abuser BF she was besotted with.

She had a DC with this addict Scrote.

You probably aren’t her, but best of luck and well done in getting away. 👍

If the friend isnt replying and isnt showing up to arranged meet ups and also lying about them, then I'm not really sure how OP could ghost her anyway. Sounds like the OP is the one making all the effort here and its the friend who isnt showing up or responding to messages/calls. You cant force someone to reply to you or contact you!

The thing is, you describe your friend as having had a personality transplant. I will be surprised if this is actually the case - it may be that this is just a far more extreme version of who she was. If she was often a bit late but then super fun then it isn’t such a leap to then not show up at all.

Other people have said that she may be in an abusive / coercive relationship. It may be this is the case.

Ultimately, your friends are meant to make you feel good about yourself. This person isn’t doing that. Give yourself permission to step back for a while. Whether you drop her altogether is up to you - but, if you are making lots of effort, stop.

This was me but with a 30 year friendship. I think ending the friendship was best for both of us. I was having furious arguments and justifications in my head all the time! It’s much more peaceful now.

This exactly what I was going to say

The same situation happened to me too, OP. The new BF had just come out of prison for dealing and possession of class A drugs which she lied to me about, claiming it was only cannabis plants he was done for. She was also short of money as a result and so I stupidly gave her money. As well as a sudden change in her personality which was totally discombobulating, I had a feeling that she was using cocaine aswell. Don’t do what I did - simmer and lose your temper with them, just keep a safe distance from it and keep your counsel until the honeymoon period is over.

Your friend sounds rubbish there is no excuse for fobbing you off like that! She needs to learn some self respect and not to cling onto men as soon as she starts a relationship. Her bf sounds like a complete waster as well so that makes it worse! It's fine to enjoy the honeymoon period of a relationship and disappear a bit for a while but when you have solid plans and break them that's out of order. I would distance yourself and say you are hurt by the change in her and feel let down but that you love her and will be there for her when bf is out of the picture (hopefully soon!)

She's no friend. Her choice to fall for a loser, but you need to stop accepting her appalling behaviour. Does she know you know she lied about her mum and the work thing? She should be mortified, and clearly has no respect for your friendship or shared history.

You need to message her quote those things, and say she's made it obvious she is prioritising her BF over you and so you will step back from the friendship. As a PP said - say you're happy to chat and message, and meet up if she comes to you with no expensive plans or anything that matters if she cancels - but otherwise you're leaving it up to her.

Then disengage and let her get on with it. It's very sad, but you're on a hiding to nothing if you expect her to change. Especially if this is her first real relationship - she's behaving like a silly teenager.

I’d tell her to consider the bridges burnt.

I’d say she probably needs a friend more than ever. Keep lines of communication open and be there when it all comes crashing down, if you can

It sounds like she's already checked out of the friendship, so you YANBU to walk away, or at the very least, stop making plans with her.

Sorry but I disagree with a lot of these posts. This woman is a fully functioning adult who has gone eyes open into a terrible relationship. The only person responsible for that is herself.

OP, just let the rope drop like others have said. But don't confront her or tell her why - she knows what she's done. And you deserve better.

Sounds like she’s allowed him to get her into drinking in excess and possibly drugs. She’s obsessed with him and he rules her. Terrible judgement on her part. Her lack of experience and naïveté in relationships made her ripe for the picking.

What can you do? Sit her down and try to illuminate her understanding on how she is foolishly stepping down into the gutter and losing her self respect and integrity regarding her lies and irresponsible behavior? Has that ever worked in the history of humankind? I don’t think we’ve ever seen an example of it.

Unfortunately this may get a lot worse. I’ve seen an upstanding and diligent woman become a weird spaced out completely different person with druggy relationships. I don’t understand it either. Oftentimes drugs become a factor to cloud their judgement even further. Do you think she is using drugs?

Not sure you can do anything at all.

Don’t end it, step back, be there from time to time and when it all falls apart. You can come back to the friendship and she will need you more than she realises. It isn’t nice right now , but please don’t abandon her with a man like this.

You've been friends for years. Surely you are able to talk to her about this?

I'd be fuming but just back off, be busy if she tries to arrange anything (she probably won't) and don't message.

She may be in a controlling relationship, but I wouldn't waste my energy confronting her.

Yes I agree with this. Step back by all means but don't shut the door.

Check in now and again and let her know you're still around.

I can imagine the conversations going on each time she lets you (and others down).

Don't go, why don't you want to spend time with me, why are they more important than me, it's you and me against the world babe' and on and on.

I would put money on him being controlling and trying to isolate her. She's vulnerable because she has no relationship experience.

If she does come back asking for help or trying to be back in her life I would forgive and let her whilst supporting her to get some help around healthy relationships.

if you are a good friend to her you should recognise she is in trouble here. It’s not like this keeps happening over and over for 20 years. You cant help her get out of this loser relationships unless she wants to. So step back and wait till she comes to her senses, and then if you really are a good friend you can help her get back on her feet.

I agree. She chose to go out with a man who is an ex con, takes drugs, is unemployed and never sees his own kids. He may be controlling now, but you do have to question why a woman in her 40s would choose to date a man like this in the first place. If she also takes drugs its very possible they have something in common. Most women would run a mile from a man with a resume like that.

This will push her further and further away from anyone in her old life and towards him. If he is controlling/abusing her he will use this as proof that he's the only one who loves her/she can trust.

For a friend of 20+ years I'd be a bit more forgiving. By all means step back from any plans but don't close the door. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and she may need your support when she realises. He may not be the easiest person to say no to.