Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

@Anklespraying

hi OP’s DIL 👋

What is she like with your son behind closed doors? Does she behave like this to him as well? That would concern me.

I don't blame you at all for retracting the money. And I would kill her with kindness from now on and don't assume anything, even what she wants to drink.

@Anklespraying

i bet they’re not relived! They’re missing out on money!
oh well, tough innit they should have treated op and her husband with more respect

Don’t view her this way, it takes 2 to make a baby. Your son must have willing had unprotected sex with her on initial meeting and he took that chance as well.

I think I am another Devil's Avocate here.
There are two sides to every story
and however much you disapprove, I think you need to try to see things from her point of view if you are to attempt to repair the relationship between you, your son and his family, which would be the best outcome for all.
EG I gleaned from your post was that:
she is 9 years older than him
very attractive, nothing wrong with that but your disapproval came across quite clearly ie you feel this has blinded him to her character in some way.
That she became pregnant very early in the relationship
She has mental health issues - perhaps pnd

She's clearly picked up on your disapproval. Her MH issues may have made her feel very insecure in your presence. What some people do in that case is withdraw, they may seem calm, but believe that its better to keep conversation to a minimum so as not to provoke or cause further conflict, or to be hurt by perceived disapproval. She might actually not be trying to be rude but is quite wary of you.
The main bones of contention: 1) the party. Recent baby, possible PND, picked up on disapproval of her from you. DH invites lots of friends to a party plus you - maybe she was an anxious hostess and felt she had to entertain their friends, kept out of your way, she presupposed you would be judging her and left you to her DH whilst she was trying to deal with the party. Shy people can come across as withholding and "rude". Perhaps she knows you don't like her and doesn't know what to say with her. You felt she should have made more of an effort with you and that she was ignoring you. Two sides.
2) The gift: You know that your DH put effort into it, engraved it and was thoughtful. That is great. And you expected them to make a big deal out of it at the party. But do your DS and DIL even know that? People dont always like stopping the party to marvel over gifts. They are aware that it might make other guests feel awkward and perhaps embarrass some guests.

3) Yes you should have got a thankyou in some form. But your DS also has a mouth and a phone and HE could have thanked you, but you blame her when she's busy looking after a small baby. You say he sometimes takes the baby off her hands for a few hours so she can rest, with great praise, yet that is exactly what he should be doing. It implies you think she has it easy, when she clearly doesn't.
4) Devils advocate again... You; Look at this thoughtful hand-carved gift that's full of meaning
Them: "We invited them to our party. They seemed to talk to everyone so we assumed they were enjoying themselves and we had our hands full but they seemed huffy and disapproving when they were leaving - so I guess they still disapprove of us"
" Also They gave us a weird engraved wooden gift. Our rented apartment is full of baby gear and we really don't need more clutter. It's not the kind of thing that matches our decor or that we would ever get for ourselves. We don't know what to do with it. They thought it was amazing and we didn't know quite what to say"
Two sides again.
You need a frank private talk with your DS. Whilst you have your say, you really need to listen to him too. If he doesn't want to talk about DIL's issues with his mother who doesn't approve of her, you have to accept that.
If you want to repair the relationship make a conscious decision to ease up on the judgement and disapproval - you are the adult in this scenario - the one with years of experience - you need to back track a bit and give DIL a second chance and stop judging on "manners" since its a joining of two different family cultures and rather communicate what it is you want/think, not just expecting them to conform. Remember that you trained your son, so if the thankyous etc are not happening - that's down to him. tell him.
The things you find annoying may be quite normal in her family because they know each other well enough and are not afraid of interacting with each other. So it may take a while for this to take and for both of you to build the trust but it's worth a try. Forget the financials for the time being.

Well that's a mistake because if down the line they split up your son may well need the money for a home of his own

I don't think there is much chance of there ever being a relationship between the OP and her grandchild's mother now. "We're not giving our son money any more because of you." That's going to be a nail in that coffin.

Then he can visit you without her.

I'm puzzled now child is 13 months why can't you fit a baby seat and take your grand child out

You say he sometimes takes the baby off her hands for a few hours so she can rest, with great praise, yet that is exactly what he should be doing. It implies you think she has it easy, when she clearly doesn't

I agree with this. He's the child's father. Its literally his job to share childcare- him taking the baby off her hands for a short while doesnt make him worthy of a medal or father of the year. All decent fathers should be doing this! It baffles me how men get praised for looking after their own bloody kids

But she brought it to grandchild's first bday party so it's implied

Are you the DiL?

The op wasn’t praising her son!

FGS some people are so dumb!

She was asked if he was helping out with the baby etc and she replied that yes he is!

Of course she knows the girl is also looking after the baby abs how hard it is - the op acknowledged that

Id also be suspicious if someone met my son and got pregnant within a matter of weeks! Yes she has clearly landed on her feet!!!

Well in that case she wouldn’t get a penny out of me. If she wants money and a house then they’ll both have to work for it

Why do you ask? Is it because I've accurately reflected this from her perspective I wonder? Or do you think you have made a funny joke?

This in spades. He’s not awesome for doing this, this should be routine. He’s a co-parent with equal weight, he shouldn’t be baby sitting his own kid. Do you comment she looks after the baby so he can have some sleep?

i’m with @Anklespraying she has a known diagnosis of biplolar disorder and has asked her partner to not discuss her mental health issues with you. That’s completely normal and happens in my healthy relationship. Why would she want the MIL to have ammunition to use against her, I must say cutting them off financially today has really ended things for you! Of course he’s going to choose her, did you think he would leave her to have your money? You really don’t sound like you like her. Of course she knows.

@SadMil maybe next time say “would you like a cup of tea?” Maybe she had just taken medication or reached her limit of caffeine and you made her feel she had to drink it when she just wanted water? But you know there won’t be a next time after the phone call today?

I think you may deeply regret taking this course of action. It's deeply unfair of you to test your son's loyalties like this. Of course he will be very torn between his wife and you as his parents, and this may well turn this difficult situation into an impasse where there are no winners.

He says he understands your stance - what else can he really say? Of course money is a tool to be used wisely, however you are now backtracking on your promise of a deposit. I personally know this requires a leap of faith - we gifted our daughter and new son-in-law a large deposit for their first house together, so I fully understand the issues at play here.

Are you the type of people who like to be in control, OP? It does sound like that is the case. I think your daughter-in-law has picked up on the fact that you're not too keen on her. She of course holds a lot of power as the mother of your grandchild, and regardless of her lack of social skills and perceived rudeness by you, has her own mum for backup and support.

It sounds as though she has felt necessary to impose boundaries on the relationship, due to her instructing your son not to discuss her feelings with you both. She sounds as though she's struggling and may indeed have PND. Personally I would have left matters well alone for a while rather than bringing it to a head in this way. She certainly is now under no illusion of your opinion of her, by reneging on your agreement over the house deposit.

It's easy to get carried away on Mumsnet threads when people are telling you what you want to hear, but this is about your family and only you know absolutely the intricacies of it - I think you have been too hasty OP. You should have reflected much longer on this series issue before acting.

I can understand why your hurt by her behaviour OP but I think that was the wrong call. It’s adding fuel to the fire in creating drama where there was only discomfort. It’s essentially punishing DS and DGC but ultimately you don’t owe anyone anything. It’s your money. I just hope you get to maintain regular contact with DGS.

You sound cantankerous you don't know these people but yet you claim to know their full story. What happened in your life to make you feel that way?

serious, not series

It sounds like your son was led by his dick and said dick wasn’t wearing a rain jacket before he really knew this woman.

Yep.

“What some people do in that case is withdraw, they may seem calm, but believe that its better to keep conversation to a minimum so as not to provoke or cause further conflict, or to be hurt by perceived disapproval. She might actually not be trying to be rude but is quite wary of you.”

This!!
The in-law dynamic is actually really hard to navigate if you’re the outsider coming into the family and you strongly suspect you’re not approved of. You can’t be yourself, because you’re pretty sure they won’t like that, and putting on a front becomes really exhausting. It becomes easier to say as little as possible, then you have less chance of getting it wrong.

There’s also the possibility that what looks like stand-offishness is actually fear of seeming over-familiar: if you feel like your in-laws don’t like you, the last thing you want is to appear presumptuous enough to feel like they do. Again, it’s a natural reaction to withdraw in that situation.

Exactly. That poster is projecting her own issues and it’s a bit weird writing a reply from the DiL 🤣🤣🤣

'Letting' her? She's a grown adult, not a child under his supervision. Her behaviour is not his responsibility, nor is the expectation that he should fix it.

You can bet your boots if a female family member were complaining about the behaviour of a male family member (that includes his wife), every excuse under the sun will be made to exonerate him. 'Perhaps he has depression' is a common one to account for even egregiously abusive behaviour. On this occasion, it does actually sound as though the woman does have mental health issues.

Another common MN response is to blame the woman for being a poor chooser. 'Why on earth did you have children with this loser?' is a common protestation. Whereas here, to quote a PP above, it's 'POOR son, he's picked a charmer there!'

Funny how poor behaviour which in men gets a free pass provokes the utmost censure when women happen to be the culprit.

The OP and her husband do not need to hand over any money to their son and DIL. Its their money. Nobody else is entitled to it. Believe you me if the DIL or son was writing on here about it they would 100% be torn apart for being entitled. You do not hand over money to someone who cannot even bring themselves to say hello to you. Blows my mind that it needs pointing out tbh. It makes a refreshing change to see an OP not tolerate games. More people need to do it. It baffles me that some posters are encouraging her to hand over the money. I wonder if its because she's the MIL?

I had PND and was still well-mannered towards my PIL, they however, showed little interest in me as a DIL. I am treated differently to our children and their son. You sound like a caring MIL and it would have been nice to have supportive ones like you.

This. I'm not trying to pile-on, OP, but sometimes when someone rubs us the wrong way we can start imputing all these evil intentions on innocuous things like not drinking a cup of tea or being busy at a kids' party. I'm guilty of this myself!

Dial down the drama, stop talking to other people about her, offer her some grace and make a little respectful space for now.

The grandparents who offered a house deposit and then withdrew it because they felt snubbed at a party----is that who you want to be?