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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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7
TinyTeacher · 16/07/2023 13:39

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff basically said everything I was going to say but better...

I wouldn't recommend withdrawing contact/offers. She sounds very unhappy - whether that is due to circumstance (unexpected pregnancy, feeling judged by in laws) or due to mental illness (which seems to be not well controlled currently, and may be contributed to by the stress of motherhood). Any unhappiness about her DP probably gets projected onto you.

But your relationship with your grandchild will be become less dependent on her over time. I can't stand my MIL - long terms issues. DH has taken her and put eldest out to lunch - their relationship doesn't require my presence. The same will apply to you soon enough.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 13:39

SplitLevel · 16/07/2023 13:28

This in spades. He’s not awesome for doing this, this should be routine. He’s a co-parent with equal weight, he shouldn’t be baby sitting his own kid. Do you comment she looks after the baby so he can have some sleep?

i’m with @Anklespraying she has a known diagnosis of biplolar disorder and has asked her partner to not discuss her mental health issues with you. That’s completely normal and happens in my healthy relationship. Why would she want the MIL to have ammunition to use against her, I must say cutting them off financially today has really ended things for you! Of course he’s going to choose her, did you think he would leave her to have your money? You really don’t sound like you like her. Of course she knows.

@SadMil maybe next time say “would you like a cup of tea?” Maybe she had just taken medication or reached her limit of caffeine and you made her feel she had to drink it when she just wanted water? But you know there won’t be a next time after the phone call today?

Show quote history

Having an illness does not give anyone the right to behave badly. She was fine with her friends at the party she can function when she wants to. I grew up with a parent like that turn it on and off when they want.

She was asking him what was wrong and whether they did anything wrong. It was his answer that was strange he didn't have to say anything personal only that everything is okay. He is becoming her enabler.

SoShallINever · 16/07/2023 13:40

Holy shit. You are willing to withhold money that you had previously allocated to your DS, over a stupid argument

Offyoupoplove · 16/07/2023 13:41

Just keep loving her. Ask her what she would value, listen to her when she does talk. Don’t force it. Being a consistent, caring presence will bear fruit.

Pancakefam · 16/07/2023 13:41

Who's party was it? If it was hers, she must like you a bit to have invited you. If it was for your grandchild, then the thanks would surely come from your son ?

You sound like a lovely mil by the way. But I could see how lack of sleep/post natal depression could lead to not saying thanks for tea/expecting your son to look after you at the party.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 13:42

I think the money is better off going towards their grandchildren. The two of them need to get their acts together rather than rely on family to bail them out. They need to go to WORK.

justasking111 · 16/07/2023 13:51

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 13:42

I think the money is better off going towards their grandchildren. The two of them need to get their acts together rather than rely on family to bail them out. They need to go to WORK.

So both parents don't work have jobs. I missed that admission.

suburbophobe · 16/07/2023 13:53

at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

That makes me sad for you and your husband because you come across as lovely and caring. I really hope for you that it improves.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 16/07/2023 13:53

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 09:35

Trouble is she could well be depressed is your son pulling his weight? Making sure she gets time etc? As if things aren’t great between them she could be projecting onto you! Could be a number of things really tricky to say.

But I definitely wouldn’t be the one to mention possible pnd from your standpoint that needs to come from your son.

Typical Mumsnet. One post in and already trying to blame the man. 🙄

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 13:54

DaphneduM · 16/07/2023 13:29

I think you may deeply regret taking this course of action. It's deeply unfair of you to test your son's loyalties like this. Of course he will be very torn between his wife and you as his parents, and this may well turn this difficult situation into an impasse where there are no winners.

He says he understands your stance - what else can he really say? Of course money is a tool to be used wisely, however you are now backtracking on your promise of a deposit. I personally know this requires a leap of faith - we gifted our daughter and new son-in-law a large deposit for their first house together, so I fully understand the issues at play here.

Are you the type of people who like to be in control, OP? It does sound like that is the case. I think your daughter-in-law has picked up on the fact that you're not too keen on her. She of course holds a lot of power as the mother of your grandchild, and regardless of her lack of social skills and perceived rudeness by you, has her own mum for backup and support.

It sounds as though she has felt necessary to impose boundaries on the relationship, due to her instructing your son not to discuss her feelings with you both. She sounds as though she's struggling and may indeed have PND. Personally I would have left matters well alone for a while rather than bringing it to a head in this way. She certainly is now under no illusion of your opinion of her, by reneging on your agreement over the house deposit.

It's easy to get carried away on Mumsnet threads when people are telling you what you want to hear, but this is about your family and only you know absolutely the intricacies of it - I think you have been too hasty OP. You should have reflected much longer on this series issue before acting.

@DaphneduM

“Are you the type of people who like to be in control, OP? It does sound like that is the case.”

i think Op is just the type of person who likes to be treat rudely.
you may be happy to be a doormat to your family but that doesn’t mean everyone has to

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 13:55

Offyoupoplove · 16/07/2023 13:41

Just keep loving her. Ask her what she would value, listen to her when she does talk. Don’t force it. Being a consistent, caring presence will bear fruit.

@Offyoupoplove

urghhh op doesn’t have to love her, FFS

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 13:56

I think there is a lot going on here and faults on both sides.

OP is disappointed her son had a baby with a much older woman. OP has very old fashioned views - the thanks for the baby present should come from the mother, her son is a superhero for spending a few hours with his baby. Babysitting and vista are managed by the women.

So on side you have a moody rude new mother and on the other side a MIL who is stuck in the 1950s. A recipe for disaster!

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 13:57

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 13:38

This. I'm not trying to pile-on, OP, but sometimes when someone rubs us the wrong way we can start imputing all these evil intentions on innocuous things like not drinking a cup of tea or being busy at a kids' party. I'm guilty of this myself!

Dial down the drama, stop talking to other people about her, offer her some grace and make a little respectful space for now.

The grandparents who offered a house deposit and then withdrew it because they felt snubbed at a party----is that who you want to be?

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If it was me I would worry about the stability of their relationship and would not offer any money. They should work for it and give their money to the grandchildren like she said. If they stop talking to her over the money then you know what their true intentions are and her son said he understands.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 13:57

SoShallINever · 16/07/2023 13:40

Holy shit. You are willing to withhold money that you had previously allocated to your DS, over a stupid argument

@SoShallINever

i wouldn’t give a load of my money to people who are rude and disrespectful towards me
you may be happy to be a doormat to your family but not everyone is

SerafinasGoose · 16/07/2023 13:57

TinyTeacher · 16/07/2023 13:39

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff basically said everything I was going to say but better...

I wouldn't recommend withdrawing contact/offers. She sounds very unhappy - whether that is due to circumstance (unexpected pregnancy, feeling judged by in laws) or due to mental illness (which seems to be not well controlled currently, and may be contributed to by the stress of motherhood). Any unhappiness about her DP probably gets projected onto you.

But your relationship with your grandchild will be become less dependent on her over time. I can't stand my MIL - long terms issues. DH has taken her and put eldest out to lunch - their relationship doesn't require my presence. The same will apply to you soon enough.

Agreed. As a DiL I'm in the same position in relation to DH's/DC's relationship with the in-laws. On more than one occasion my MiL visited my home and refused even to speak to me. The latest occasion was the last time: I don't have to tolerate this.

I therefore understand entirely where OP is coming from on the subject of unnecessary rudeness. In those circumstances, I'd simply keep a civilized distance

Incidentally, my in-laws have never given us a single penny but it's never occurred to me to mind, or even much notice. I neither want nor need their money. This is not a basis on which to cut off a grandparent's relationship with their grandchildren.

gettingoldisshit · 16/07/2023 13:58

I have one like this! I just smile and tolerate it for the sake of my ds and gc!

Motorcycleemptyness · 16/07/2023 14:01

Quitelikeit · 16/07/2023 13:26

The op wasn’t praising her son!

FGS some people are so dumb!

She was asked if he was helping out with the baby etc and she replied that yes he is!

Of course she knows the girl is also looking after the baby abs how hard it is - the op acknowledged that

Id also be suspicious if someone met my son and got pregnant within a matter of weeks! Yes she has clearly landed on her feet!!!

Well in that case she wouldn’t get a penny out of me. If she wants money and a house then they’ll both have to work for it

I despair at comments like this. Why does the son in question not know how to use a condom? They really are very simple to use.

carrotsfortea · 16/07/2023 14:01

"It's easy to get carried away on Mumsnet threads when people are telling you what you want to hear, but this is about your family and only you know absolutely the intricacies of it - I think you have been too hasty OP. You should have reflected much longer on this series issue before acting."

The person who said this is very wise. It strikes me as a bit ludicrous that you posted to ask if you should back off a bit in your op and then a day in a few pushy posts on Mumsnet seem to lead you to phone up and withdraw your offer of helping them financially on the back of your taking offense at the slights you list above. I'm not saying you should have to give them any money, but it seems inflammatory to do this so suddenly on the back of what you describe with no more information about what might be going on. You also made it directly about your offense of her behaviour, so you are using the money as a punishment. You could have simply said you needed to pause or circumstances had changed if you didn't want to gift it. To do this without even finding out if there is an issue or speaking to her, makes it all about her, but you don't really know what the situation is with her. If she does have PND as you said you would understand if so, how on earth is this helping? Surely it's the opposite of understanding or supportive.

Surely a bit less haste and a bit more patience would have been better than to just put in an update to Mumsnet and feeding the drama. (Or creating a drama where there may not have even been one).

Mammajay · 16/07/2023 14:01

I would ask my son to visit with my grandchild and without Dil.

almostoverthehill · 16/07/2023 14:06

She sounds bloody awful your son must be miserable. Being depressed isn’t an excuse to be rude.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 16/07/2023 14:06

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 11:03

But that's not on the DIL, is it? Why is her place and wrong doing if she doesn't say thank you? Why can't her husband, the baby's father and their son, be responsible for saying thank you?

Apart from this, which I think your son should be held responsible for, it doesn't sound like she's behaving very well.

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I find this attitude really baffling.
Only on MN have I heard of saying thank you for a gift or something nice be a massive chore that should only be done by the person belonging to the family who did it.
I think you need to be honest with your DS. Tell him how you feel and that you need to know if you've done something wrong or upset her in some way.

SerafinasGoose · 16/07/2023 14:07

Mammajay · 16/07/2023 14:01

I would ask my son to visit with my grandchild and without Dil.

This is not good advice at all. It's tantamount to an ultimatum. People in general do not tend to respond well to this.

If they decide - as they might reasonably do - that the family comes as a package, and that either they visit as a family or no one comes at all, what then?

Quite enough harm has been done for the time being. IMO, OP would be better advised to let the dust settle for a bit.

I also commend OP's son for refusing to discuss matters his wife has confided in him in private.

justasking111 · 16/07/2023 14:07

Mammajay · 16/07/2023 14:01

I would ask my son to visit with my grandchild and without Dil.

@SadMil

This formal visiting with grandparents is very out of date. My parents and in-laws took the children away regularly.

Billyhero · 16/07/2023 14:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

justasking111 · 16/07/2023 14:09

SerafinasGoose · 16/07/2023 14:07

This is not good advice at all. It's tantamount to an ultimatum. People in general do not tend to respond well to this.

If they decide - as they might reasonably do - that the family comes as a package, and that either they visit as a family or no one comes at all, what then?

Quite enough harm has been done for the time being. IMO, OP would be better advised to let the dust settle for a bit.

I also commend OP's son for refusing to discuss matters his wife has confided in him in private.

Show quote history

Why does DIL have to attend, she might appreciate the peace for a few hours.