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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 12:23

iolaus · 16/07/2023 12:03

As with any post on here this is very one sided - so from your side of course the DIL is a horrible bitch and your son the sainted hard done by partner

Her point of view could easily be along the lines of

My MIL has never liked me and whatever I do is never enough, would I be wrong to reduce my contact with her and let my partner deal with her

I recently found out I'm pregnant with my second child and have given up caffeine, we went there the other day and she's made me a cup of tea without asking, so I couldn't avoid it by asking for a glass of water instead (which had been my plan) - I don't want to tell her yet because when we announced our eldest's child's pregnancy she accused me 'trapping' her son and offered to pay for a DNA test (she always thinks money will fix things and wants me go up to her 'standards' - I know offering a deposit sounds nice but I can't help worrying she'd then want to have a say in where we live) - my partner just says it's nothing personal, but I can't help taking it that way.

At my eldest's birthday party I was busy trying to stop 10 under 2's from destroying the garden and then found out she's insulted I didn't go over and personally greet her (she can either be family and just come in and muck in or she can be a guest and have a formal greeting - make up your mind)

She's also annoyed that I didn't thank her for my child's gift (my partner did) - it's not a present for me and he said thank you

THIS

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 12:23

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 12:18

One other thing, I would be seriously unimpressed with my 30 year old son getting someone pregnant within weeks.

Very irresponsible.

No, no. She fell pregnant. To get a baby. It had nothing to do with the OP's son. 🙄

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 12:32

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 11:42

So you went to a baby's first birthday party and the grandad is upset because he wasn't made a fuss of by the mother of the one year old!

And someone who normally has tea didn't drink it one time when they popped in!

Grandad has now gone off in a massive sulk and decided to keep his money.

What a pair of over grown babies you both are.

Nasty babies too, winding up people here to call her a bitch.

I'm not surprised she wants to keep her private life private from you, you are posting her mental health all over the internet!

Absolutely this. The pile-on here is pretty gross, and it seems pretty clear MIL has never liked DIL (and even thinks she's ensnared her son, wow), yet can't imagine a world where DIL has picked up on that and acts accordingly. Give me a break.

The misogyny in the OP and many of the comments here is startling.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 12:33

OP has done this all live hasn't she?

After two hours of mumsnetters calling her a bitch they call up to announce that they are punishing the bitch by taking away the financial control they had intended on exerting.

And live posted this to rounds of applause from the crowd who carry on calling the DIL a bitch.

Music to her ears eh?

I bet the happy couple are relieved that nightmare scenario of parents having equity in their home for guilt tripping purposes has gone away.

Pluvia · 16/07/2023 12:41

She knows you had your 'reservations' about the relationship. You think you hide it but you don't.

So when one of your DCs announces that they're pregnant / have got someone else pregnant after just a few weeks of dating, and that the person they're planning to marry is considerably older/ younger than might be expected, and when you meet them they don't bother to be pleasant or interested in you, will you be able to hide your feelings?

carduelis · 16/07/2023 12:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SirVixofVixHall · 16/07/2023 12:42

She is being really unkind and rude. Not thanking your DH for his hand made gift is particularly rude and insulting.
Hard to know how to handle it though, as it sounds like this is her personality. Are they married ?
What is her Mum like ?

Psychonabike · 16/07/2023 12:42

I really can't understand the putting the money in a trust fund thing...it's like putting money in your kid's ISA when you can't afford to feed and clothe them now.

Children are best supported in the long term by security in childhood. That means the parents having less financial stress, if possible, good housing etc. Less financial stress tends to give a relationship a better chance of surviving and less discord in the home. More secure kids do better at school, socially etc. With these early privileges comes a lifetime of benefit.

A child trust fund to be accessed later by the child means less if their childhoods are more fraught and disrupted than they had to be.

No one is entitled to this parental help, of course, but if you can and you choose not to because you don't want DIL to benefit by proxy, it's a real false economy. I mean, even if they split up, are you saying that your grandchild's home shouldn't be a secure one?

piedbeauty · 16/07/2023 12:43

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 10:17

If you’ve already offered the money, then withdrawing the offer is a huge escalation. I would proceed with the money tbh.

Why should OP?

Sunshinin · 16/07/2023 12:46

I also had reservations as she’s 39, my son is 30 so the possibility that she just wanted a baby has crossed my mind

I bet she knows this. Also FWIW, IME men always put on a show of being 'dad of the year' in front of their parents. Be mindful that you don't fully know what happens behind closed doors and I say this as a mum of sons.

sixtiesbaby88 · 16/07/2023 12:47

OP. I could have written your post only 2 years ago. I'm not the sort of person who 'falls out' with people and I'm usually very quick to apologise rather than have bad feeling. But it was apparent DIL didn't really like our family. We also decided not to invest money in help to buy a house, and thank goodness we did. Over a period of time we were sidelined by our DIL, and she became more and more controlling until she stopped all contact with us and our family at all. Luckily we have always had a good relationship with our son and realised something was very wrong. We encouraged him to have couples counselling, then counselling on his own when they failed. The counsellor advised he should contact the men's abuse helpline. They are now going through a very acrimonious divorce and our son is fighting to see his young children. We never dreamt anyone could be so manipulative but this is where we are. My husband used to meet my son from work for lunch just to keep in touch, just being there in case he needed to talk. My best advice is to touch base with your son on a regular basis, check they are ok, tell them you love them and you will always help them, and be there in case it goes terribly wrong.
I truly hope this is a different situation to my son's, I hope it all works out for you all

DinnaeFashYersel · 16/07/2023 12:48

She's horribly rude.

Honeychickpea · 16/07/2023 12:50

Go NC. She is toxic and will make your relationship with your grandchild toxic as well.

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 12:55

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 09:38

This behaviour is awful and I say that as a DIL
ignoring you and not thanking you for a special gift is pure bad manners

but did the son thank his mother for the gift?

I agree there is no excuse for rudeness and it sounds like this lady just might be unpleasant.

but - it jumped out at me that OP was cross she was ignored at the party and didn’t get a thank you for the gift.

surely her son is equally responsible for and capable of saying thank you?

I think the son sounds like he also quite bad mannered - perhaps his mum finds him easier to forgive?

piedbeauty · 16/07/2023 12:56

If you decide to give your son and his gf money, do take financial advice first so you can safeguard your money in the event of them splitting up.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 12:56

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/07/2023 11:46

I think this is a really valid point, in a world where both parents work and get little downtime, it might be a rare moment for some downtime. We often visit our respective families without one another to get a break, it doesn't mean we don't like our partners families though! If my partners family is visiting I expect him to deal with the logistics and itinery for that, and him likewise.

Show quote history

At a party, you would greet all your friends and not your pil?

I am the same age as her dil and I would say hello. Maybe some people learned no manners at school. Perhaps you and the op's dil can't be bothered and are too lazy to make people feel welcome.

user1492757084 · 16/07/2023 12:59

You are being respectful and supportive and that is all you can be.
Your DIL does seem rude but maybe it is not in her capacity to be more than she is. She has mental health issues and you may never know the extent of those.
Stay close to your son and reassuring to your DIL.
Praise her parenting and ignore her faults for the benefit of keeping a long term relationship of some sort.
Perhaps keeping to a regular weekly visit or helping in a similar way each week is easier for her to cope with as she won't be surprised and will expect your interaction at set times.
You could also make a one off offer for if ever she feels extra tired she can always call on you.
Does she ever see just you or is it always you and your DH?
Would she be more relaxed with just one of you? Grasping at straws..

Honeychickpea · 16/07/2023 12:59

WellThisWentWell · 16/07/2023 10:20

I wonder if she has anxiety, is shy, perhaps social anxiety, or maybe doesn’t have the best self-esteem.
It kind of sounds more like that, rather than ’rude’ or ’spoilt’.

Or most likely just a bitch.

335fwwr · 16/07/2023 13:00

What about your DS, yes your DIL sounds like she's struggling. But it was on your DS to thank his dad for the gift. It was on your SS to bring your grandchild over and give the mum a break. Realistically do you have to see her more than a couple of time a year? Your DS is in charge of their relationship with you not her.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 13:00

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 12:55

but did the son thank his mother for the gift?

I agree there is no excuse for rudeness and it sounds like this lady just might be unpleasant.

but - it jumped out at me that OP was cross she was ignored at the party and didn’t get a thank you for the gift.

surely her son is equally responsible for and capable of saying thank you?

I think the son sounds like he also quite bad mannered - perhaps his mum finds him easier to forgive?

Show quote history

Minimising rudeness her behaviour must have stood out like a sore thumb. My question is if she is this rude and moody around them and only them does she like them?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/07/2023 13:00

There are some bizarre replies on this thread.

Op, she sounds bloody awful, reminds me of my SIL actually. My MIL has a better relationship with my kids who are not biologically related than her actual grandkids and it is just down to SIL and her rude obnoxious behaviour. My MIL is bloody awesome but she cant even see her grandkids unless SIL mum is there.

You made the right decision about the cash gift IMO.

justasking111 · 16/07/2023 13:07

@SadMil my sons visit without their wives who enjoy the chance to crack on with cleaning, put their feet up or go to bed. They bring the grandchildren who are happy to come, one room holds all the toys, conservatory the arts and crafts. Not sure why your DIL needs to attend to be honest. I certainly wouldn't be holding money over their heads. That's just manipulative.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/07/2023 13:07

Nowhere has op said the gift was for the grandchild.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 16/07/2023 13:08

I think may reaching out without your son around May be a good way to go. What you see and what happens when knowone else is about are two different things. She may feel unable to open up around him about how low she feels thinking how well he is coping. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help, don't assume because she drank tea for the last umpteen years that she will now. Her tastes may have changed. Maybe offering to go to lunch baby free show here you value tike with her not just the baby. At times even if people asked the odd question about how I was it felt like they were only really interested in ds. Make sure when you interact with her it's not necessarily when either of you are holding the baby. That way when your making eye contact she knows its because you are actually seeing her and interested in how she's doing.

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 13:13

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/07/2023 13:07

Nowhere has op said the gift was for the grandchild.

It was a party the same month as the child’s first birthday - and engraved wooden gift sounds like a child’s gift?

perhaps it was an engraved jewellery box for the DIL’s 40th? In which case the DIL should have said thank you.

but if it was a toy for the baby then either parent can say thank you.