Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

I think that's spot on.
You can't treat people like shit and expect a house deposit from them.

It also sounds like she uses her moods to keep her partner in line. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to jettison him now she's got the baby, particularly once she hears the house deposit isn't forthcoming after all. I'm not going to call her the b word as she is clearly an unhappy person with difficulties. But at the same time her behaviour is creating more unhappiness and difficulties for those around her.

Are you okay?

OP, is there a reason you haven't answered the questions about if your son thanked you for the gift himself? I'm thinking he didn't?

I think you have overstepped somewhere, some small comment or judgey look or maybe not done something she expected…
my feelings for my own MIL changed when my first baby was born.

As with any post on here this is very one sided - so from your side of course the DIL is a horrible bitch and your son the sainted hard done by partner

Her point of view could easily be along the lines of

My MIL has never liked me and whatever I do is never enough, would I be wrong to reduce my contact with her and let my partner deal with her

I recently found out I'm pregnant with my second child and have given up caffeine, we went there the other day and she's made me a cup of tea without asking, so I couldn't avoid it by asking for a glass of water instead (which had been my plan) - I don't want to tell her yet because when we announced our eldest's child's pregnancy she accused me 'trapping' her son and offered to pay for a DNA test (she always thinks money will fix things and wants me go up to her 'standards' - I know offering a deposit sounds nice but I can't help worrying she'd then want to have a say in where we live) - my partner just says it's nothing personal, but I can't help taking it that way.

At my eldest's birthday party I was busy trying to stop 10 under 2's from destroying the garden and then found out she's insulted I didn't go over and personally greet her (she can either be family and just come in and muck in or she can be a guest and have a formal greeting - make up your mind)

She's also annoyed that I didn't thank her for my child's gift (my partner did) - it's not a present for me and he said thank you

Yes @TheBlinkOfAnEye I think anyone would resent that. Its hard isn't it? Too many people out there play games with others without letting them know the rules.

I think as a mil I've put my foot in it and said stupid shit.
But I'd like to think my dils would say something as adults and we could get over it.
@SadMil can't do that as she hasn't been told what she's done wrong.( If anything at all )
Plus the party the dil couldn't drag herself over to say hello to them.
I'm sorry that's just plain rude.

Sounds like best leave it there for now then

I'm assuming that is a stupid passive aggressive comment and not a genuine question.

Let's face it. If it was flipped and it was a son in law acting like this. People would be shouting red flag. If she is acting fine with everyone else at the party and deliberately being off with your and you husband it may be a way to get at your son. A way of punishing, a way of trying to cause issues. I'm presuming you have a good relationship with your son, this may be the issue, she wants to isolate him.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum your post is insightful and has made me realise it is exactly what bugged me about my own mil - 15 years ago.

@CovertImage not really, if you look at my other replies below including the longer one I said she's giving Megan markle vibes! But op ce on here to ask for opinions and confused why DIL seems not to like her so I offered a few ideas for her to consider about why that could be

@SadMil , @Fouramclub adds some really important points about gender expectations.

I have found that my own in-laws expect so much more from me (female) than my family do from my DH. In fact they actually seem to expect more from me than their son...why? Because I'm female?

What is expected from me -remembering everyone's birthdays, doing all the cards and gifts, timely thank yous etc.

What is expected from DH -pretty much nothing.

It was ok in the early days, then babies come along and the workload has to be sensibly distributed.

So for us that means -DH's job to deal with his family from all of us and me to deal with mine from all of us.

An interesting thing happened. When DH started dealing with all his family side of the gifting/card/thanking type jobs, his family started behaving as though I had done something wrong and stopped acknowledging my birthday/Xmas. While I continued to deal with my family and mine continued to acknowledge DH's special days.

Fortunately I couldn't care less. I don't need stuff, I need less to do. But the inequality is interesting and neither they (or frankly even DH) seem to notice it.

This is a bit of a meander away from what you are describing, but I wonder if there's a similar element of expecting wifely "hosting" and holding your DIL to a higher expectation than your own son in that regard.

She is busy with a baby, tired, needing the close support perhaps of peers and her own family.

Perhaps the person you should be having the greatest expectations of is your son. If you guys are feeling ignored, pushed out, unwelcomed...is he doing everything he can here or are you placing your greatest expectations on the woman of the house (based on your own outdated ideas of wifework perhaps)?

I would think carefully about this, because if you are reinforcing this stuff and he is already referring to his wife as moody in discussion with you, then you are not helping his marriage at all.

I agree with this.

I think it was a mistake to link the money to her poor behaviour.

Far better to say a bland change in circumstances.

I certainly wouldn't be giving money to them.

I have known of far too much money given and lost in a divorce, when people had worked hard for it.

Far better to put money away for your grand childs education etc.

Step away.

Ask your son to visit when he takes the child out on his own.

Tell him you and your home is always there for him and leave him to it.

She was going to give them a deposit for a house. Would you still give a deposit if you thought your child's relationship might be toxic? The chances are he could end up homeless if she decides to switch. I've seen it happen as soon as they bought a house she got rid of him.

This. Why on earth should OP and her husband gift their hard earned money to them.

Good for you for standing up for yourselves OP.

I think your views on the MIL are extreme that's why I ask. Are you having difficulty with family?

I kind of agree with this one. I'd be livid if my partner talked about details of my thoughts and feelings and mental health with in laws too. He needs a confidante of course but not them !

If you do gift the money for a house deposit make sure it’s ring fenced for your DS.

Re bipolar diagnosis, if she does have this then she could be extremely unwell. It's a term banded about and self diagnosed but it's a severe MH condition and proper treatment required. Encourage your son to tell you more about this, she may need further assessment and treatment, some med can't be taken in pregnancy and she could be off them. Correct medication is life changing. I really feel for you as you sound so supportive and want to be a help. Can your DS bring the baby himself and your DIL can rest and have some time and you can enjoy the baby. She sounds defensive, maybe she feels she's not doing a good job and it's more keenly felt when around her Mil if she feels you can do no wrong. Give her lots of small compliments on how she is with the baby and try to open up about struggles you had when a new mother, might bring more equal footing.

One other thing, I would be seriously unimpressed with my 30 year old son getting someone pregnant within weeks.

Very irresponsible.

It is that she was choosing to be polite to her friends? Or she feels comfortable and supported by them so able to speak with them when they say how are you really doing? Maybe the relax and support her instead of judge and stress her out like the MIL does?

I think you have to look at the bigger picture.

The thoughtful gift was for your grandchild, who received it and will most likely value the gift when it’s older. Recognition of the labour of love would have been nice, but ultimately it was not for DIL and your DH’s object in making and giving a gift was achieved.

As for the money - what was your aim in giving it to them? Presumably to give your DS and DGchild more security. Yes DIL would have benefited, but your main motivation must have been helping DS and his child. They are the losers now you have pulled out. I think going back on your promise to give them a helping hand was wrong (although in the circumstances I can see why you did it).

Could your son not bring your granddaughter over twice a month or so on a Sunday just him and her? For like Sunday dinner? And so you get to spend time with her?
I think you did the right thing withdrawing the offer of money.