Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

She's been nasty the entire thread. No doubt now you'll be called "unhinged" too for daring to speak up against her.

I've reported your post. MNHQ will verify I am not the OP.

Since when does only one of a couple have to say thanks for a very personal baby gift? And since when does the other half get to completely rebuff and ignore her in-laws while acting completely normally with her friends at this party?

Some people are really reaching in their determination to make this a man's fault.

To be fair, this is how it did come across. OP was upset because DIL hadn't said thank you. That's why people have been pointing out that OP's son is the main player she should have had that expectation of. Whatever the truth here, I think this incident, FIL's strong reaction to DIL's lack of thank you (which is actually a failure of his son), and that multiple posters have noticed it, means that this incident is food for thought for OP and it does raise the issue of this not being entirely one sided.

Cross reported! Happy for MN to set the record straight.

But her son did say thank you.

That level of barking would be hard to fake!

I would have thanked my FIL. What people are reacting to is that OP was 100% discussing this as a DIL problem. People are just pointing out the son bears responsibility too. There seemed to be no expectation for a thanks for him whatsoever. Not pinning that on the son - just addressing OP's line of thinking.

Op, I'm so sorry you're getting this reaction on MN. I think you have every right to be upset with the behaviour and to pull back now.

I do wonder how much the ages have to do with this. Your DIL is as close in age to you as to your son. This must make an odd dynamic for both of you.

The non reaction to the personal gift was damn rude. But I agree with others that you should be upset by the lack of response by your DS. But somehow you weren't. Is your relationship with him as good as you think it was? Was he the result of your teenage pregnancy? Is your DH his biological father? There may be more to unpack here than you might have realised.

Also, you've offered a woman who is almost the same age as you, funding to buy a house? Maybe she's gone away feeling patronised but not know why she feels that way. Maybe you've felt a bit upset that by 39 (40/41 now) she hasn't got her life sufficiently sorted by now to buy something, given she has only ever had to look after herself up to now.

I don't think your situation is as simple as a rude DIL (even though she does sound rude). Maybe the tea situation was about you not asking her what she would like, or she has been in a similar with friends and instead had a glass of wine or anything really.

She may be your DIL because she is married to your son but if you had met in any other situation she would be your peer sue to both your ages.

Which OP didn't disclose until a few pages in. And he said thank you when he took the box. Neither of them have said thank you once that box was open, which they (both) should have.

Well spotted 😂😂 Out of alllllll the millions of users of Mumsnet...you 2 think it's weird that 2 people on a thread are a similar age? We're actually not the same age but never mind facts eh?

Do this and when they ask where it is say it burned to the ground and you spent the insurance money on the bathroom

Well this is quite the turnaround. Anklespraying encouraging a poster on another thread to take money from their in laws and then lie about it. Sheesh.

This was how my ex was also.

He would also invite his mum and sisters to little events I had planned for my baby and then expect me to host them. He invited them so he hosts them. Maybe I wouldn’t have said thank you for a gift as I would assume he would have! I would have made a comment about how nice it was or something friendly though. Unless it wasn’t 😂

Saying thank you to a gift as it is given all wrapped up is very different to saying thank you for a gift once it's been opened and the recipient knows what the gift actually is. There has been no acknowledgment about the work that will have gone into it etc.

Well this is turning out to be a classic MN thread!

Its absolutely bats**t to have a drink waiting for someone when they arrive because you’ve seen them drink it before in the past with an unwritten obligation to drink said beverage or have an offer of money for a deposit for a house for a grandchild to live in revoked. How bizarre.

Im guessing she found out that you thought she entrapped your son and that your disapproval has contributed to her current cheerful demeanour when she sees you. Sounds like thinks can only get better now you have rung to emphasise your disapproval.

Given the OP’s attitude as the thread has progressed, I think this is a situation where it would be interesting to hear from the DIL.

Wow. One of the nastiest and most intellectually bankrupt posts I've ever seen on here.

guessing is not fact

Thanks Psychonabike.

You see, AnkleSpray, you could have made your point like this, instead of being deliberately unpleasant.

okay, but if we go with this scenario, why is the son making his wife do the baby drop offs, in law pop ins, etc if she does have mental health issues and is not in any good shape to be visiting/entertaining/etc.
Some blame DIL, some blame OP. We know next to nothing about either of them.
With just as much info on him as them, it is entirely possible that DS is playing two sides against the middle for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't want to visit his parents or take the kid to see them, etc and is starting fights before them visit. Waking her up or stopping her doing something to go visit his parents. Maybe she doesn't even know that they recieved a present from the FIL. He wouldn't be the first man to take something into his hands, put it down on a table or shelf or in a drawer and then say absolutely nothing to his spouse about it.
While we all conjecture, let's add in another person who may be involved in this dynamic.

What do you think multiple means 🤣 you’ve actually had a lot of people give you good arguments and you’ve just been defensive and obstructive back. I’m the only one whose acted like I have 😂 It seems you’ve had quite a bit of confusion there.

Have a lovely Monday, Olive xoxo

I agree. I was sympathetic in the beginning, esp about the gift as it wouldn't have hurt to make a phone call and acknowledge the gift, or send a photo of DGC sat on/next to the stool. It sounds like a really thoughtful gift, and my grandfather did the same for my first birthday. I still have it today and all of my DC and their friends enjoyed it in their early years. It's my heirloom for my future DGC.

But since then, your posts have taken on a nasty tone OP.
It's clear that you don't like your DIL, and haven't approved of her for some time.

Nonetheless, together with your DS, they have formed a family. This is your DS's priority now, for the sake of his DC. Of course, DIL should not be rude to you, but equally, she is not obliged to drink tea that she didn't ask for (or did, FFS, it's a cup of tea!). You cannot control her behaviour, but you can control how you respond to her.

Continuing on the path that you are all on, will affect your relationship with DS and DGC, if you don't do something to sort it out now. And given your description of your DIL's behaviour, it sounds like you are going to have to be the one to start the ball rolling.

Or, your contact with them will diminish dramatically as time goes on.

Communication is EVERYTHING.

I wasn't going to post on this as OP clearly isn't open to opinions she doesn't like. When you post on AIBU sometimes you have to expect people might actually think you're being unreasonable.

OP I think you have expectations that are causing you issues. Your attitude has been more transparent the further through the thread and it utterly contradicts how you describe yourself. You don't come across as warm and inviting at all.

It very much sounds like she's awkward. It's not easy coming

Into a family, older than your partner, only 9 years younger than his mum and getting pregnant early. She'll likely have felt judged at some point regardless as to how you behaved and anxiety festers. It's really hard to change a relationship and youve alot of expectations

The money is yours to dow it has you please but it's a strong message to offer and then retract that offer.

This is the mother of your grandchild. Worth thinking about.