Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

That's exactly it. You have no idea what her side is (her perceptions and they why of her actions). It might not be personal at all. I think it's usually best to be generous in interpreting people's actions and why they do things the way they do. There are lots of reasons people do what they do that aren't obvious to us.

Consider that you might not always be reasonable in your expectations of her too. Your comments that put the onus on her to thank you for the gift are a good example. That's on your son. Don't be one of those MIL's who blames DIL for her son's failures.

I guess you’re right, they are minor in isolation. I was a mistake to make this post, I see that now

If it's helped you to gain some other perspectives and ideas, whether you agree or not, maybe it's helpful?

I don’t think you are old fashioned op! I am 39, I have had MH struggles.
I have never been rude to my in-laws!
I feel really sorry for you and your husband

You can have feelings. I would just think someone in your position might have more understanding. You say you have a child with autism. I presume you don't like it when other people judge him/her as badly behaved, poorly parented, and naughty because he/she displays challenging behaviour? Or maybe you don't mind because they're entitled to their feelings even if they're based on ignorance.

If you've got what you need from this thread, maybe you should ask MN to take it down? I imagine if DIL came across it, it might be the last straw in your relationship.

I don't think it was a mistake to post, you are clearly troubled by the fact you don't have the relationship with your DIL that you'd like and it's good to seek different opinions. But hopefully it's opened your eyes to the possibility that it might not be personal in the way you've been thinking it is. That said, I do think that if you are uncomfortable with the idea to the degree you are, you shouldn't give them the money for now.

I don’t do blame culture. I fully accept I have no idea what’s going on for her. I didn’t think speaking or acknowledging my existence was an unreasonable expectation but maybe I misjudged this situation and maybe it’s not possible for her to interact.

as I said previously I didn’t think the onus should have been on one more so than the other. We were equally disheartened with my son, certainly didn’t expect more (or less) from her. We were just very upset at the time (my husband more so)

See OP, people are still piling on to agree with you that this woman's a bitch.

They have been doing it all day for you.

Since you complained she didn't thank anyone for this special gift and didn't want tea.

Since you told everyone how rude this woman is, dozens of them have been calling her rude and a bitch for you all day.

Your husband is actually doing what my mother does. Not getting the degree of reaction he expected for his gift, so getting upset as a result. I do agree that not getting a proper acknowledgement is off though.

I agree with this. Even if they've been tweaked a bit, there are still a lot of identifying details - the birthday Disney stool, the short timeline of their relationship, you offering them 50k, your ages etc.

I thought it would be past your bedtime now. Can’t you please just stop shit stirring? You have nothing of any value to add on this post, just nasty hyperbole. Stop making assumptions about a situation you clearly don’t grasp

I agree with pp SadMil get this thread taken down ASAP. It's becoming too identifiable.

I didn’t call her a bitch. I just said plainly that I can understand what op and her dh seek - some friendliness and warmth.
People can say ‘DIL owes them nothing’ but I disagree. Even if she doesn’t like them it doesn’t excuse rudeness.
She was actively friendly to her friends at the party and blanked the OP. I can find a lot of this relatable. Of course we don’t know the whole story but equally not every mother in law is nasty and overbearing

Good luck op

Which ones? Please show me.

And yet sad MIL you finally came to the conclusion half an hour ago that I pointed out this morning. That they will be relieved the money has gone away and they don't have that hanging over them.

I knew that before it dawned on you, you've had to have people like me with "nothing of value to add* tell you what was staring you in the face all along.

A situation I can't grasp!

I know why you don't like me.

OP has she only been with your son for about a year and already have a child? I'd be waiting to see if the relationship lasts before gifting a deposit to them. If they were to split up your son would lose half of the gift. I'd have a private chat with your son. I'd tell him I find his wife rude and as she will talk to her friends but not you it's clearly personal with her. I'd tell him you've decided to wait to see if this relationship will last before gifting a deposit to them. I'd ask him to check she was actually taking medication as I know a person with the same condition who does not always take her medication as does not like side effects. I'd also ask your son when he takes DC out for a walk he calls you and you can meet him out.

My goodness how nasty

MairSS you missed out calling the DIL rude too.

This is you

*So son's dad is a carpenter and dad makes son something he's really pleased with himself about for his grandchild, gives it to his son wrapped up, son says thanks. It's not unwrapped there and then but then none of the gifts are. He doesn't call him later to say dad, I love that, his dads handiwork. Son says nothing about it.

What do son's mum and dad do about their sons lack of "manners" over dads handiwork?

Seethe and ruminate over how it's the woman's fault.

Ruminate on her to avoid noticing that their son didn't tell his dad how brilliant the Disney stool is. They don't like her anyway so it's convenient to blame her.

They focus on blaming her so much that when they pop in the trap is set and a funny look over an unwanted cup of tea is enough to peak their rumination into a search for the ultimate punishment.

I don't think your son cares about the Disney stool. I think he cares about it as much about as he cares about your money*

An entirely made up story that suits your agenda for some reason...you then were caught out on another thread by OP stating that you wouldn't be bothered to listen to anyones health problems. Yet you have goaded and goaded OP through the entire thread. You talk of them "setting a trap" with the cup of tea. Now seriously, how dare you call me "unhinged".

OP,
I am surprised that you wouldn’t automatically feel/know that the onus was more on your child to say thank yous etc to you as their mum and dad. That comment seems strange I think most children even after they are in a couple interact most with their own parents.
Also you said your husband now wants nothing further to do with his DIL after both your son and your DIL failed to thank him for the stool.
That does seem strange why is he so angry with your DIL and not with your son?
The fact that they both popped in only yesterday seems to indicate that they were not aware there was so much tension between you all.
The withdrawing of the money being linked to your DIL behaviour rather than just a change in financial circumstances will most likely mean that the chances of either side rebuilding the relationship at any point in the future seems slight.
Also you are likely to have caused division between your son and his wife because he may blame her for the loss of the deposit.
I think don’t give money to people who don’t treat you well but this action today seems rash and saying something to deliberately cause division between your son and his wife is wrong.

10/10 for copy pasta there Olive.

With that DOB too.