Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

I see your still being biased towards your son! Yes it is more your sons responsibility, you raised him. Did you not raise him to have manners? I assume he has a much closer relationship with his father than your DIL does? Ultimately it’s his responsibility to thank your husband for such a personal, thoughtful handmade gift.

so you mean if anything my son should have had more onus on acknowledgment rather than DIL? I hadn’t thought of it that way, maybe you’re right. I just try and put myself in other peoples shoes and it’s just what I would done I guess. I didn’t think the onus should have been on either one more than the other

Another poster who is just making stuff up. Reported.

I'd argue that wanting to give them a house deposit is being parental. That might be weird for her and maybe she felt she couldn't decline because your son wanted to accept? It's very generous of you but generosity can sometimes make things awkward.

Maybe you’re right, but it’s a nasty thing to write nonetheless

Sorry quoted wrong person

Yes, I think there is more onus on your son to make the acknowledgement. Even if DIL had thanked you personally, I think it would have been appropriate for your son to make a comment to his father about the gift.

Don't be like my mother. She gets upset when people don't react to her good intentions as she thinks they should. She finds it hard to consider that others might not perceive things with the same value she does.

I think your DIL might be quirky and a bit unconventional, but it's not necessarily personal (having not had her side of things).

Maybe, but she reacted positively. Thanked me and I even got a hug. This was of course in the early days. A lot has happened since

Oh please OP! Not judgmental?! Your posts are dripping with judgment. Your DIL is apparently some lying conniving older woman who was desperate for a baby and so trapped your son. Despite the fact that he didn’t use contraception either!

You know your DIL is a new mother with a serious mental health condition but you have decided that she is rude and had blanked you by not greeting you during a party, not thanking you for a gift (maybe your son told her he had already thanked you at the time?!) and then making a massive issue over a bloody cup of tea! You have displayed zero empathy for this woman. It must be as obvious to her as it is to everyone in this thread. I am not surprise you are getting the reaction you do.

The comments above are just the most ridiculous backpedaling, half truths and denial. Gaslight central!

I think you were trying to quote me, about your son and DIL maybe not liking the Disney stool. Why is what I suggested nasty though? It could absolutely be that they just didn't like it and didn't know how to thank you without sounding fake.

I’m not easily upset, so I don’t think I’m like your mother. Remember this is just an example- the context is far wider.

I'd feel I had to thank you and react positively too. Then I'd tell my husband how I felt about it after they'd gone, so I could hear his side. If he wanted to go ahead, I wouldn't feel I could say no on this one.

A lot has happened since

Is there a drip-feed about to land? Because a lot since seems to be her refusing a cup of tea, not thanking you properly for a stool and being a bit moody at times.

Ok in which case hopefully there’ll be no backlash and she maybe secretly relieved.

All of them Olive.

Of course there's a bigger context, and there are subtle things going on that we will not be able to perceive through a thread. Part of that bigger context is also DIL's side of things, which we're not getting. We can only comment on what is presented and try to give other perspectives and food for thought.

the thing is when you make a post, it’s necessary to give examples eg the gift and the cup of tea, to give people a gist. It seems that maybe context has been lost and it’s more about the general disdain for us and lack of interest.

I think some people just don't click so easily. I bet she doesn't dislike you, it's more she doesn't particularly like you iyswim. Lots of people seem to have a problem with this and think if someone isn't 'nasty' and is 'friendly' you should automatically like them as if theres only 2 options. I work with people that I like but mostly I don't like them. There's no one there who I dislike though. If she wasn't your DIL would you want to be friends? Maybe she feels like that towards you. You can't force closeness. As long as she's not rude I think you should just allow her to he herself. If she has a long term MH condition this is herself. Has she actually 'done anything wrong' in your eyes other than not liking you as much as you hoped? Don't think you've done something wrong, but don't feel you're entitled to much more than decency either. You're not. Your son loves her and that's the most important thing.

You are trying to be parental. Support her, give a stool when the baby might have terrible balance, ask about her health to your son, offer house deposit help. It's natural as you are your son's parent. But she is essentially the same age as you. Be interesting to know more in terms of similarities and differences between you, eg in career and interests. It might be over time you could be good friends. I still doubt she'd be taking advice though.

I’m obviously not able to give her side of the story as I have no idea what it is. It just seems that some people would rather jump to the conclusion that I’m some overbearing, interfering and hellish person lacking in empathy or understanding (I know you didn’t say that), rather than comment on the facts that have been presented

Have you considered that maybe it isn't about you and it actually is just her going through stuff (which she doesn't want your help with)? You've asked your son, he's said she's in one of her moods. I.e. a bipolar mood. That has nothing to do with her feelings about you. You're looking at her behaviour through the lens of "normal" rather than "unwell".

I would give her a bit of the benefit of the doubt. She has a very challenging mental health condition diagnosed. Why she does what she does might be unconventional, but it might be how she copes and maybe she is doing the best she can? She might warm up over time. She might treat her friends differently because she's known them longer and is more relaxed. It's a different relationship. She might not explain to you why she does things the way she does.

I mentioned upthread that my son in law sometimes takes himself off for walks when we visit. Some people might find this difficult and take it personally but I understand why he does this and just accept it. As a result, we have an easy relationship.

Can I ask why you think I’m a terrible influence and commented on ‘parenting’, sorry can’t find the exact quote. It came across as judgey and unpleasant

I think it has a bit, because on the face of it those isolated incidents seem really minor, but to you, in the wider context, show a pattern of negative behaviour. MN isn't the best place for nuance!

Sorry, did I do something wrong? Am I not allowed feelings too?