Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

😂 Says the person who has started a whole thread to score a win against her DIL!

Really😂? Please quote any of my posts which are "unhinged". Go on...No doubt your response will be " I don't owe you anything", same response as your friend upthread who is also fond of making stuff up and doesn't like it being pointed out to her.

That’s your inaccurate perception- I’m personally not interested in point scoring.

@nonmerci99 ah it was you who I called out for making stuff up and it's you who called me "unhinged". Got it. Is everyone who calls out your lies unhinged?

Do you know my husband then?

I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you seem heavily invested in this thread. If there are specific points which you have issue with I will happily address them and provide further clarification as you come across as jumping to conclusions which aren’t necessarily accurate

But that's what you've done by withdrawing the money offer. It's a shame the situation has come to this and you couldn't have found a way through with your DIL. Have you had any more reaction since the phone call with your DS?

Talk about reaching😂😂"maybe this, maybe that.

OK, so you were thanked for the stool. Yes, when they'd opened it, it would have been nice for your son (or just one of them, your son just as capable) to have made a comment about the stool. With such a young baby maybe they don't understand yet how useful this might be when he is a toddler?

I wouldn't want my ILs giving me money for a house deposit. It undermines my sense of accomplishment as an adult who takes pride in achieving that sort of thing myself.

Your pantomime story reminded me of the time my mother booked tickets to a show when I just had a newborn, in another city, and expected us to be overjoyed. I just didn't go (but wouldn't have sat on my phone if I had gone).

DIL's behaviour might be a little unconventional at times. Maybe this is how she copes with her mental health condition?

You've also go a 39 year old woman here who isn't that much younger than you. She probably sees you as peers rather than parent figures. A 39 year old is also going to be quite different from if your son had married a younger, less set in her ways and life, woman.

Just some things to think about.

Not reaching, suggesting. There's a difference.

What about the DIL blanking her? Would you continue to try with someone who flat out blanked you in your own house? I certainly wouldn't. So what if she called someone a 12 year old. That poster was being extremely immature. Is OP not allowed to answer people back?

OP, have you ever thought about how the small age difference between you and your DIL might be affecting your relationship? That leapt out to me, and it looks like it did to a lot of other posters here.
It puts you as peers rather than a generation apart and that's always going to make it a trickier relationship to negotiate. It's a different situation but my dad had a girlfriend who was a similar age difference to me and had it progressed I could never have seen her remotely in a step mum role. Things like the panto trip or the house deposit would feel quite different to me coming from ILs who were more like my parents age than my age.

Omg 😂😂😂the cheek of you @Anklespraying. That is sooooo hypocritical. You've made a complete fool of yourself on this thread.

are you okay mate? You’ve picked fights with multiple people on this thread. Go outside and get some fresh air maybe, take a screen break.

to answer you, the DIL is probs blanking the OP because she sounds like a PITA, and Ofc she can respond to people but the way she’s replying just makes her sound more and more dickish - hope this helps 🫶

Ok, I don't know where the quote of Anklespraying saying that she can't be bothered listening to other peoples health problems went but that was what I was referring to in my previous post.

Oh blimey Olive, coming from you that's really..... something .

I would like further clarification on why it’s only your DILs fault that neither her or your son called your husband to thank him for the gift? Surely your son should have been the one to thank your husband for his thoughtful gift??? Why are your ignoring your sons behaviour in this situation?

I don’t see how withdrawing the money is point scoring. It was offered in good faith absolutely no strings or expectations attached. Unfortunately circumstances have now changed and neither my husband or I feel comfortable gifting a large sum of money. As some posters have quite rightly pointed out anything can change at anytime- who knows if their marriage will last (I obviously hope it does and they are all happy).

I think it is a wiser decision to put the money aside for our grandchild in a trust fund. My loyalty is obviously to my son and their child. If things do go sour we will of course ensure he is ok (financially and emotionally), but things in the current circumstances are precarious. I don’t dislike DIL, never have done but honestly I’m not getting good vibes and can’t make head nor tail of her behaviour - she clearly doesn’t want any kind of relationship on any level with us. This is her choice, but it’s only prudent to make this decision about the money based on the current circumstances.

I honestly don’t know how she feels- she doesn’t want to let us in - we therefore can’t / don’t know how to support her. This is her choice of course, but it’s certainly not about point scoring- what even is the point of that? I don’t actually get up in a morning, rub my hands with glee and think how can I get one up on her today! I work full time with two other children- I can assure you I have neither the time or inclination for this notion.

No not multiple people, just 3 or 4 posters who are repeatedly making up their own scenarios without a shred of evidence. Funnily enough, when they were called out, they acted JUST like you, they made up more nonsense. "Are you ok mate, go outside blah blah" 😂

Yet 69% of people agree with OP.

Fair enough you no longer feel comfortable giving them the money. What do you think about what quite a few other posters have suggested that because you are so close in age to your DIL, you might need to reframe the relationship from parents-in-law to something more peer-like? That it might be affecting the way you relate to one another? Or do you not think that's an issue? I think it's an interesting point.

It’s not DIL’s ‘fault’ anymore than my sons. I think the only reason I had implied that was because my opening post was primarily about DIL. We actually would have appreciated an acknowledgment from either of them, doesn’t matter. We were hurt that none was made (by either of them).

Why should it have been my son thanking us anymore than DIL? We wouldn’t have had a preference- didn’t matter who (as previously stated)

What behaviour of my son am I ignoring? What did he do?

Actually your son does have more responsibility than DIL here, because he's your son.

MH problems aren't an excuse for rudeness especially when she's fine with her friends
I certainly wouldn't gift them a large deposit for a few reasons
Least of all, if they buy somewhere and split then it's complicated
I hope your DS is happy as I get the feeling it's her way of the highway
YANBU

I’m not sure I see age as a barrier- I have no desire to ‘mother’ her. I see her as an intelligent and smart woman who I could catch up with over a cuppa and chat about anything she felt comfortable with whether it’s baby related or not. I don’t see people in ‘titles’ (DIL or mother, sister in law etc), I see people as individuals who have their own personality who I’d like to connect with on some level.

I have never implied that I was wanting to be ‘maternal’ or ‘patronising’ as other posters have said, I don’t really know where that idea came from. But that’s certainly not me. As I’ve said in previous posts, I’m not judgemental at all, I try and see the good in everyone (although admittedly I am struggling in this case hence why I have posted).

I’m pretty laid back, having been judged for as long as I can remember (teenage mum, also having a child with ASD and subsequent behavioural issues), I know exactly what it’s like being on the receiving end and am therefore have more empathy with people who are struggling for whatever reason.