Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Or maybe they feel more relaxed and at ease with their condition around people they know and trust and who won't judge them, like close friends.

He didn't. After the party when the gift was open neither of them thanked the granddad for his hard work. But he's annoyed at her for that.

I don't think you know how to read with comprehension.

OP wasn't planning to give her DIL a fat check for personal spending, it was meant to be for the whole family. It's petty to withdraw over issues with one person in the family unit. But I'm sure you'll find a way to ignore the point completely again

Why are people getting so angry and aggressive on this thread😊.

the son said thank you when his dad handed him the unopened gift and the son placed it in the gift table.

there was no further acknowledgment from either the son or DIL ‘He was so pleased with himself, we had no further acknowledgment from either of them. He was upset by this’

i don’t think you read the full thread - or understood my post

Not just annoyed at her but “wants nothing more to do with her”.

I have lost count of the number of people I’d no longer be speaking to if I decided that every time only one member of a couple thanked me for something I’d refuse to have anything to do with the other half…

Actually, we don't know if there was no acknowledgement AFTER the party – @SadMil just said that the DIL didn't thank them in the moment and that's what upset them. For all we know, they could've sent thank-you cards out to everyone who bought presents.

I've often known it happen where people with BPD can be perfectly ok interacting with some people, but find others totally overwhelming or intimidating.

But she can’t demonstrate even a basic level of civility? Nah bruv - people are bending over backwards to get the DIL off the hook - don’t know why… there is no excuse for what the op has described.

Oh this should be good. Right, point out to me where I've 'misread' your comment...I'll wait. This from the person who said...

the fact that you think DIL is responsible for thanking you for the gift and not your own child speaks volumes

Ironic that YOU 'misread' the OPs post that her own child did thank them. Also, you think there's no need to thank people who gift YOUR child things...but I'M rude?

They all, without exception, have periods where they cannot cope with social interaction and will withdraw from people, either completely or selectively, and invariably unintentionally behave in ways that appear rude to others for periods.

But the OP has known this woman for two years and she has always been like this. And how is OP to understand what might be going on with her DIL if it's never really spoken about, more hinted at?

I wonder whether the son had any real idea of what he could be facing when they married? I'm sure I've read an article that 80-90% of marriages where one partner is bi-polar end in divorce, and anyone who's been close to someone suffering from the disorder will understand why. I have and I know how bad it cam get. I've visited bi-polar friends on the psych ward.

What's that got to do with anything? They're not my PIL who I have a relationship with. The parents of a child who is a friend of my child are not my family.

So your son thanked you for the gift (which was for the child and not either parent) neither of them said anymore. You were greeted and welcomed to the party. Why are you both annoyed with her? You made her a drink without asking whether she wanted one or what she wanted and expected gratitude. Some people would consider that a bit rude. I think you just need to reframe your expectations, your son is the primary relationship, it sounds like you’re channeling negativity into her.

No backward bending going on here. I just find it odd that in the space of about four comments OP went from mentioning DIL's mental health possibly impacting her behaviour to calling up her son to say she and her DH were withdrawing the offer of helping them out to buy a house. I suspect DIL could be the friendliest person ever and OP would still have found an excuse to do this, because deep down she doesn't approve of her son having a child really quickly in a new relationship with a woman that's older than him.

I don’t owe you anything. I gave my honest advice to the OP—you can continue to attack me personally, though you know nothing about me. It’s pathetic, but you do you.

This poster is a bit unhinged. Reason won’t get through to her, I’m afraid!

OP regardless of who is right of wrong etc, you have little power in this relationship and your actions will affect your relationship with your son and granddaughter. So you need to decide what your priorities are. Being right? Or just having some distance but sucking it up so that you don’t ruin relationships.

It might be the case that you don’t like DIL and think she’s rude. But your son chose her and she’s now a part of your family whether you like it or not. Sucks but you just have to learn to coexist with her in a peaceful way and forget the things that annoy you.

When a couple host a party it’s perfectly socially acceptable for the one receiving the gifts to thank on behalf of both and welcome guests on behalf of both.

Okay, I’ll imagine it with family then. If I send my nieces a birthday present and my sister texts to thank me, should I be furious with my brother-in-law for not also texting to thank me? Because I wouldn’t even notice - unless I already had a problem with him and was looking to be offended.

Hi @SadMil I think it is still really early days in the new baby’s life, your DIL’s life as a mum and your life as a grandma. Everyone is getting used to new roles plus your son and DIL are exhausted. It’s very common for there to be family and MIL/DIL fallouts at this stage and I would urge you not to burn bridges as most relationships settle down over time.

There are also maybe some issues specific to your situation which warrant more consideration in particular your DIL’s mental health and the fact that your son and DIL got pregnant very quickly. It sounds objectively stressful. Also, unusually there are only nine years between you and DIL in age so you need to work out together whether more of a maternal or peer relationship will work best for everyone.

Honestly I would say be the grown up here - she’s in a difficult situation and you want to be friends so be generous towards her and odds are things will improve over time. I know it’s hard to be the bigger person but if you want to be a hands on gran you really have to. Good luck.

She does sound unpleasant. There could be plenty of reasons why however and you'll never know unless you discuss it. I think the only option is for all four of you to sit down and have a frank and open discussion. Myself and my husband had issues with his mother a few years ago and we didn't speak for a while, eventually we sat down together and had an in-depth discussion. She told me what I did that pissed her off and vice versa as well as my husband discussing his issues. It really helped as there were things I'd said/done i hadn't been conscious of and it was the same for her. It might be that there's issues on both sides and you need to talk about them and clear the air. If you have doubts about her then she may have picked up on that despite how hard you may have tried to hide it and so will automatically be stand offish. It will likely prove very cathartic to get everything off your chest and to hear from her as to why she has such a problem with you. She will always be in your life as the mother of your grandchild and so you need to find a way forward. If she refuses to engage with you however and continues to behave badly then at least you have tried your best as you of course can't force a relationship.

I agree with this.

I think some people are giving you a hard time OP.
I think the fact that you are only 9 years older, but are the MIL may make things complicated and awkward. Personally I would not be handing over large amounts of money.
However, I would try and build a friendship with your DS’ partner. You are pretty much contemporaries.

I think some of us just have more sympathy/compassion/understanding for people with mental health difficulties. I know a number of people with depression and BD - if they even leave the house on a "down day" it is commendable, and I appreciate any effort they put in to spending time with me when things are bad. I would never judge them for having a sour face, not drinking a cup of tea, or not indulging me with social niceties.