Page 22 | Struggling with DIL

SadMil · 2023-07-16T08:20:07+00:00

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude. I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive. She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed. I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods. my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you. Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it. I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated. This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad. should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:53

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 17:47

That attitude usually kicks in when one set of parents is a problem.

but what I am seeing on this thread is more gender stereotyping. So much of relationship management - for both sets of parents - falls to the woman. Both parents don’t need to say thank you for the gift separately. In this case neither did - but the focus is on the woman.

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Well you're talking utter bollocks. OPs son did thank his parents. Why on earth would DIL not thank them? I always thank my in laws for gifting something to my DC and so does DH. Why would I not? Seriously, please tell me why I don't have to say thank you.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 19:55

I don't think you are going to get an answer some posters come on here to vent and be mean.

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You’ve completely misread my comment. The only one coming across as incredibly rude in this exchange is you.

carduelis · 16/07/2023 19:58

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:53

Well you're talking utter bollocks. OPs son did thank his parents. Why on earth would DIL not thank them? I always thank my in laws for gifting something to my DC and so does DH. Why would I not? Seriously, please tell me why I don't have to say thank you.

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Let’s say your child gets invited to a party, you leave the present there, maybe you get a text from one of the parents thanking you for coming and for the gift. Do you expect the other parent to text as well?

If both members of a couple are present at the moment when a gift is handed over then yes they should both say thank you. Otherwise I can’t really work out why one can’t say thank you on behalf of both of them…?

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 19:58

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:53

Well you're talking utter bollocks. OPs son did thank his parents. Why on earth would DIL not thank them? I always thank my in laws for gifting something to my DC and so does DH. Why would I not? Seriously, please tell me why I don't have to say thank you.

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Well aren’t you the charmer😊. If you disagree with someone in a conversation in real life are you this aggressive?

the irony that you responded in this way in a conversation about manners😂😂😂.

the son didn’t open the present he just said thanks when it was handed to him. He didn’t contact once he had opened it to comment on the work his dad had put into it.

but it’s okay for you to disagree with me - that is conversation. No need to get so angry

Original poster

SadMil · 16/07/2023 20:00

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:21

Come on! Her problem is as someone who waited to 39 to have a baby she doesn't respect the op and thinks her attitude is ridiculous. Which it is! She's not pushing boundaries against a parental figure, she's allowing what she sees as not a great influence on her kids life. The son won't say this to his own mother clearly as he'd have to point out the parenting differences. And it would offend op who is all high and mighty anyway.

What do you mean by ‘not a great influence on her kids life’ and ‘parenting differences?’

I haven’t posted anything about parenting. What makes you think I’m ‘not a great influence?’

OP posts:

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 20:00

You didn't get an answer just a goady response.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 20:02

Miajk · 16/07/2023 18:03

But it's not a cash gift for the DIL, it's a present to the whole family.

Families are complicated, I wouldn't however spite my whole family because I don't like one person in it. Some people are petty beyond belief tbh

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Another CF who thinks it's ok to mistreat people and at the same time would have their hand out for their money and take it without shame. The sheer brass necks on them 😂

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 20:04

Exactly, some people have no shame they would happily take the money and still walk all over them after.

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 20:08

It sounds like the relationship won’t last anyway, I wouldn’t be giving a whacking sun for my son if I thought a potential ex would bugger off with half of it

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/07/2023 20:13

Some of these comments are unbelievable. OP has not written anything to suggest her own behaviour is unpleasant yet some of you are bending over backwards to paint her as some petty controlling old fashioned monster!

Yes - the DIL should have said thanks for the gift as well as the son. Anyone who doesn’t do this is plain rude.

And yes the DIL does owe the op and her husband basic decent courtesy that she would offer to any human being, and hopefully more seeing as they are her husband’s parents.

Bigger question OP - why does all your interaction with the baby have to go through DIL? Why not DS bringing the baby over and making sure you get regular contact? Here I think you’ve fallen into the trap of expecting from DIL - which may have been fine if she was decent but she’s not. So your son ought to step up. And on that point - why is your son tolerating his wife treating his parents so badly? This is his problem too and he should be pulling her up on this every single time.

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 20:14

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 20:08

It sounds like the relationship won’t last anyway, I wouldn’t be giving a whacking sun for my son if I thought a potential ex would bugger off with half of it

No relationship is guaranteed - 42% of marriages end in divorce.

I take it as a good sign that OP’s son is refusing to discuss his partners private medical issues.

but yes this relationship may well end. Any parent giving large cash gifts to couples should seek legal advice.

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 20:14

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 19:52

Nah I think the lesson is if you have mental health problems stay away from your in-laws in case they make it all about them and decide to take it out on everyone else in the family.

This. ^

So many awful comments slagging off the DIL even though OP says herself she is bipolar and is struggling with her mental health.

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 20:15

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/07/2023 20:13

Some of these comments are unbelievable. OP has not written anything to suggest her own behaviour is unpleasant yet some of you are bending over backwards to paint her as some petty controlling old fashioned monster!

Yes - the DIL should have said thanks for the gift as well as the son. Anyone who doesn’t do this is plain rude.

And yes the DIL does owe the op and her husband basic decent courtesy that she would offer to any human being, and hopefully more seeing as they are her husband’s parents.

Bigger question OP - why does all your interaction with the baby have to go through DIL? Why not DS bringing the baby over and making sure you get regular contact? Here I think you’ve fallen into the trap of expecting from DIL - which may have been fine if she was decent but she’s not. So your son ought to step up. And on that point - why is your son tolerating his wife treating his parents so badly? This is his problem too and he should be pulling her up on this every single time.

It’s a good point but some posters are practically fainting with horror that the baby be ‘torn from its mother’ 🤣🤣

Ignore ignore the dicks, some people are projecting because they are probably awful DILs themselves and think they HAVE to be awful to their MIL because she’s committed the cardinal sin of not being her own mother

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/07/2023 20:16

All this talk of ‘the son shouldn’t be talking about his wife’s private medical issues’ is just whataboutery- no one is asking for her medical history and drug dosage. The son absolutely should be ashamed of his partner’s behaviour and expect better treatment of his mum. If she is treating them badly and refusing to talk to them about why then she doesn’t get to gag her husband about it too.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 20:18

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 20:14

This. ^

So many awful comments slagging off the DIL even though OP says herself she is bipolar and is struggling with her mental health.

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That doesn't make it right and you can't enable the behaviour by putting up with it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 20:21

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 19:43

Well if course I don't, that's why I was talking about her sons choice.

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@Anklespraying

you were making an insinuation that OP’s parenting was inferior compared to her DIL on account of her being a teenage mother. You know you were. That’s not a very nice thing to do.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 20:23

MedusaWithBetterHair · 16/07/2023 18:40

Think this whole thread and the OP’s attitude display a worrying lack of understanding of mental health issues tbh. Bipolar disorder isn’t a bit of depression or anxiety - it’s a serious and debilitating medical condition. My cousin has it and is heavily medicated just to function. He will sit and be unable to make conversation or really interact with us, because he is ill and exhausted.

What OP perceived as a lack of manners is probably the extreme effort of the DIL in trying to function and look after a very young baby, particularly for example during the party, where she had to interact with multiple other people (I don’t have mental health issues and I find this exhausting). The tea comment sounds to me like someone overwhelmed and struggling to process new and unexpected information. Not rudeness. People saying “well it’s no excuse for rudeness” are absolutely clueless about the effects of mental illness.

Imagine if the OP’s son had cancer and was fighting a daily battle with exhaustion, irritability and pain and then DIL’s parents decided on the basis of one comment or perceived slight that he was ungrateful and rude and let it colour their whole relationship. Would the OP think that was fair and reasonable, or would she be rightly appalled at the lack of empathy?!

I think OP displays a lot of internalised misogyny, the comments about the DILbeing older and attractive and essentially trapping her son are very revealing.

Also OP should bear in mind that bipolar disorder has a strong genetic component - there are very high odds that her grandchild will also suffer from it. Might be time to work on her understanding of it and her empathy levels.

This is the most ridiculous post on this thread and that's saying something. The whole post is just made up nonsense.

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 20:26

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 20:23

This is the most ridiculous post on this thread and that's saying something. The whole post is just made up nonsense.

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I second that.

Having bipolar is not the same as going through chemotherapy FFS

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 20:26

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 20:18

That doesn't make it right and you can't enable the behaviour by putting up with it.

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But OP said in her early comments that she's aware DIL's mental health issues could have an impact on how she is. So one minute her MH can be a factor, but the minute the MN crowd piles in with its 'cut the bitch off' mentality those MH issues can be conveniently forgotten?

Screamingabdabz · 16/07/2023 20:29

God I’ve just read all of the OP’s responses and she’s demonstrated a high level of patience to some absolutely batshit posts. It’s vitriol central. I dread to think of the psychological warfare they wage on their own poor MILs!

Good God… we mothers of sons really have to watch our p’s and q’s don’t we? Not one iota of mercy or empathy allowed if we don’t play every single word and breath by the DIL’s rules! Thank God my own DIL (to-be I hope) is an absolute joy.

LakieLady · 16/07/2023 20:29

MedusaWithBetterHair · 16/07/2023 18:40

Think this whole thread and the OP’s attitude display a worrying lack of understanding of mental health issues tbh. Bipolar disorder isn’t a bit of depression or anxiety - it’s a serious and debilitating medical condition. My cousin has it and is heavily medicated just to function. He will sit and be unable to make conversation or really interact with us, because he is ill and exhausted.

What OP perceived as a lack of manners is probably the extreme effort of the DIL in trying to function and look after a very young baby, particularly for example during the party, where she had to interact with multiple other people (I don’t have mental health issues and I find this exhausting). The tea comment sounds to me like someone overwhelmed and struggling to process new and unexpected information. Not rudeness. People saying “well it’s no excuse for rudeness” are absolutely clueless about the effects of mental illness.

Imagine if the OP’s son had cancer and was fighting a daily battle with exhaustion, irritability and pain and then DIL’s parents decided on the basis of one comment or perceived slight that he was ungrateful and rude and let it colour their whole relationship. Would the OP think that was fair and reasonable, or would she be rightly appalled at the lack of empathy?!

I think OP displays a lot of internalised misogyny, the comments about the DILbeing older and attractive and essentially trapping her son are very revealing.

Also OP should bear in mind that bipolar disorder has a strong genetic component - there are very high odds that her grandchild will also suffer from it. Might be time to work on her understanding of it and her empathy levels.

Thank goodness someone has pointed out how bi-polar disorder affects people's ability to manage social and family relationships!

I have friends and family members who are bipolar, and have worked with clients with MH issues for the best part of 20 years. They all, without exception, have periods where they cannot cope with social interaction and will withdraw from people, either completely or selectively, and invariably unintentionally behave in ways that appear rude to others for periods. This poor woman has been through massive changes in her life in the last couple of years, and managing this will have been enormously challenging for her.

Expecting someone who is bipolar to observe social niceties consistently is futile, OP. But I don't think you should give them the money, either, not because she doesn't deserve it, but because your desire for acknowledgment and gratitude will not be met consistently and I think your expectations for how she should behave will never be met.

OhComeOnFFS · 16/07/2023 20:32

Yes but if someone walks into a room, is lovely to some people and ignores others, you can't blame bi polar for that.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 20:33

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 19:33

@Olive19741205 but why was OP not annoyed at her son’s lack of manners? He didn’t thank his dad either!

I agree if this was reversed -

i knit a beautiful sleep suit for my grandchild. My daughter said thank you when I handed it to her but she didn’t open it. I am now incandescent with rage that my son in law hasn’t contacted me to thank me.

said no one ever.

Yes he did. Why are people commenting on things when they've clearly not RTFT?

whynotwhatknot · 16/07/2023 20:33

she sounds like a rude cow-you dont ignore someone through a whole party because youre busy

you dont ignore someone at their house because youre in a mood

you dont ignore someone getting your child a present-and before someone says her son said thanks thats when they walked in with it not after

she doesnt ignore everyone else so yes she a rude bitch

i doubt she'll be around formuch longer when she realises she not geting any money