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AIBU?

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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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7
Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 19:24

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:13

You should really RTFT before commenting. Another poster tried to highlight the cup of tea as if that was the only issue. Here's a little reminder

when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed

We’ve helped with them moving house, we’ve offered advice (when asked for) we’ve been generous financially

She has always been a bit moody and unpredictable, but at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

The fact that you think she can treat OP like this and OP is not to dare question it is baffling. If DIL is 'relieved' not to be getting a house deposit from OP now (I highly doubt it) then problem solved eh? I wouldn't give anyone a substantial amount of money if they dared to come to my house and blank me, family or not.

Show quote history

Oh wait...you forgot she "hid under her coat" at the pantomime supposedly.

OP doesn't state if the DIL was always like this with her. In fact she doesn't mention what DIL was like when they first met, or on their wedding day, or while she was pregnant. Surely we would of been treated to those delights if the DIL had been rude.

It seems this "rudeness" by DIL has come on suddenly. Which leaves me thinking... what changed? Perhaps it's all down to post natal depression or maybe OP has caused some offence.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:27

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LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 19:31

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 18:28

Yes, and clearly her son has chosen the opposite to the teenager parenting he got.

Show quote history

@Anklespraying

wow!
and you’re think I’m rude??
that’s a horribly rude thing you had just said. You have no idea what OP’s teenage parenting was like.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:32

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 17:12

What was the context of going the pantomime, OP? Do you all like the pantomime? Did the baby go too?

It's really not my cup of tea (do you see what I did there) and I have a horrible feeling that if forced to go to spend an evening with Widow Twanky out of social obligation, I might end up on my phone looking at MN ... Grin I can imagine it would be exactly the sort of thing my ExH and PiLs would put me through, and by the point of the final appalling camping trip in the rain one summer my fixed smile was faltering big time.

Why on earth would you agree to these outings/trips if they're not your thing? Couldn't you just have said thanks for the offer but not my thing? 'Forced' to go?

momonpurpose · 16/07/2023 19:33

5128gap · 16/07/2023 18:55

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous.
You don't need to acknowledge a handmade gift for your child because the person who made it isn't your father.
You can ignore two of the guests in your home because they're not your parents.
On the other hand you're entitled to benefit from a significant financial windfall from those same people who...well, still aren't your parents.
There is no way on earth I'd be financially benefitting someone who acted this way.
This woman's behaviour is unacceptable by any possible measure. The only reason this isn't unanimously agreed is because a MiL is on the receiving end.

I agree with this! And I say this with the ex MIL from hell. I see no where where OP is unreasonable

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 19:33

@Olive19741205 but why was OP not annoyed at her son’s lack of manners? He didn’t thank his dad either!

I agree if this was reversed -

i knit a beautiful sleep suit for my grandchild. My daughter said thank you when I handed it to her but she didn’t open it. I am now incandescent with rage that my son in law hasn’t contacted me to thank me.

said no one ever.

Muu · 16/07/2023 19:35

It sounds like she’s put her foot in it socially/with her manners but I would cut her a little slack if she’s recovering from a bipolar episode and has a small child. Also it sounds like you don’t click that well at the best of times anyway.

I don’t blame you for the money decision at all. If I was going to give someone that amount I’d need to feel happy about it!

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 19:35

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:21

Come on! Her problem is as someone who waited to 39 to have a baby she doesn't respect the op and thinks her attitude is ridiculous. Which it is! She's not pushing boundaries against a parental figure, she's allowing what she sees as not a great influence on her kids life. The son won't say this to his own mother clearly as he'd have to point out the parenting differences. And it would offend op who is all high and mighty anyway.

@Boomboom22

how do you know she waited?! Maybe she didn’t want kids before.
some really judgemental attitudes towards teen mums here

Glitterblue · 16/07/2023 19:35

I can’t believe how much of a hard time you’ve been given over this, OP. It sounds exactly like the situation my best friend’s parents are in with their DIL. They’ve been nothing but warm and welcoming towards her for the 15 years she’s been in the family, they adore the 3 grandchildren but the DIL is so rude and moody towards them and constantly tries to keep them away from the children. They’re not the type of people to swoop in and take over but they want to be involved as grandparents. They were rarely allowed to even hold them or indeed look at them in the pram when the children were babies and when they visit, their son makes them welcome but DIL hardly even speaks to them. They’ve always treated her like another daughter but they’ve reached the point where she’s hurt them so often they are struggling now. They so desperately want to be involved in the children’s lives and she won’t let them - when their son is there he does but if he’s at work it’s a different story. The children are 7, 10 and 13 now and they want to see their grandparents so at least they’ve reached the age where they can decide for themselves that they do want a relationship.

I hope you’re ok, OP. I’d never be like that as a DIL, I couldn’t be so rude. I was brought up to think about how I’m treating others and to treat them as I would like to be treated myself.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:38

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Horrific 😂

The dramatics and exaggeration on here is hilarious. Horrific, seriously? In what way does the OP sound horrific?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 19:38

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:21

Come on! Her problem is as someone who waited to 39 to have a baby she doesn't respect the op and thinks her attitude is ridiculous. Which it is! She's not pushing boundaries against a parental figure, she's allowing what she sees as not a great influence on her kids life. The son won't say this to his own mother clearly as he'd have to point out the parenting differences. And it would offend op who is all high and mighty anyway.

What makes you say that or are you just posting that to be mean and unhelpful?

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:42

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 17:25

That's the thing about older wiser women, they don't feel as obligated to tolerate or put up with others they don't like. I don't think it matters much to your DIL if you like her or not. She's not some young people pleaser who feels like she needs to turn herself inside out for the approval of her in laws.

Same goes for OP. A wiser older woman who doesn't put up with being treated like shit.

carduelis · 16/07/2023 19:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 19:43

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 19:31

@Anklespraying

wow!
and you’re think I’m rude??
that’s a horribly rude thing you had just said. You have no idea what OP’s teenage parenting was like.

Show quote history

Well if course I don't, that's why I was talking about her sons choice.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 19:44

Boomboom22 · 16/07/2023 19:02

Again though, the op sounds like she thinks she is a full adult who can give advice and money.
To the dil she was an irresponsible teenage parent who is trying to act like a parent to someone 9 years older than her. Who has a more sorted life etc. She likely stays quiet to try not to offend or laugh at this woman who thinks she can offer advice. Probably a bit much also having your child's nan be so similar in age to you. And the op is being silly anyway, generally you ask not just give people drinks when they walk in and usually if your son thanks you for their daughters present you don't expect another thank you from the dil.

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That young teenage mother did pretty well for herself to be able to offer a large deposit. Your post comes across as sour.

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 19:45

Does anyone have any actual solutions for the OP?? Confused

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 19:46

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 19:45

Does anyone have any actual solutions for the OP?? Confused

Bit late for that - withdrawing the 50k from them and her DH saying he wants nothing to do with DIL means there's probably no going back now.

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 19:46

Solutions are kind of limited now that OP has made it clear to the couple that they don't like their "DIL".

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 19:48

They best they can hope for is for their son to maintain their relationship with their grandchild.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 19:48

If her son could explain to the op what her problem is then maybe she can fix it.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 19:48

Zood · 16/07/2023 17:42

What is all this nonsense these days that each half of a couple only deal with their own parents right own to thanking them for gifts? Are in-laws only supposed to speak to their own child? That sounds exactly what the DIL is doing, in-laws not her problem , no need to waste common courtesy on them.She doesn't see the need to invest any effort in forming a relationship because she sees them as her partner's responsibility. It's a horrible attitude and nothing to do with health issues normally, just how a lot of people choose to operate.

It's really quite shocking isn't it. Someone posted earlier that it was awful that the DIL would be expected to "sit and chat" as if that's not a normal thing to do😁

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 19:50

Right so the lesson from all this is - if you are a DIL with a child you can be the biggest rude dick to your ILs and still expect loads of babysitting offers, £50k and unlimited grovelling by and politeness?

Tophy124 · 16/07/2023 19:51

I have empathy for you OP. I try to be as kind as possible with my in-laws for my husband and children’s sake and even if they do annoy me I try to be subtle about it and keep my mouth shut. I’m naturally a moody person but would never dream of being deliberately rude to my MIL and we have a family member who hand makes gifts for my children and I’m always blown away by them and make a huge deal of saying thank you and acknowledging the effort that has gone into creating something personal. My MIL was upset with me once which really annoyed me, but we both managed to move past it thankfully. I hope you and DIL can move past this too. I think you did the right thing in making your son aware of this and he really should be pulling her up on it, I wouldn’t tolerate someone being rude to my parents.

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 19:52

Nah I think the lesson is if you have mental health problems stay away from your in-laws in case they make it all about them and decide to take it out on everyone else in the family.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 19:53

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 19:45

Does anyone have any actual solutions for the OP?? Confused

She didn't want a solution, she wanted an audience for her drama. She wanted the audience hissing bitch at her sons girlfriend, and she wanted applause for calling him and telling him she's keeping her money till she dies.

I don't imagine they were expecting anything different somehow.

It's not like we're hearing about an imminent house purchase two years later and a year after the birth.

Maybe that's what's irked OP the most, their lack of interest in taking the money.