Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Literally no one has said that.

This is a sad and familiar situation - the only thing you can do really is to accept that a close relationship with your DIL is not going to happen, but for the sake of your son and the relationship with your grandchild, swallow your justifiably hurt feelings and keep things on an even keel. Giving the money to your grandchild/ren is a good compromise - it would stick in my craw to give it to their parents, when your DIL is so lacking in kindness and manners.

Surely it works both ways though? If your in-laws don’t treat you like you’re part of their family, why is it on you to pretend they do?

We don’t know how the hostility started in this case but the person who marries into a family is always at an immediate disadvantage as the outsider. If they aren’t treated like a member of the family then why should the have same obligations as someone who is?

You have had a hard time on here op because there are plenty of DIL's on MN! I think you had doubts about DIL and her behaviour has solidified those misgivings with you. Yes, she has been rude as though she wants to hurt and punish you. You are right not to hand over the money - I was badgered by my own dd to buy her a house and in my heart I did not want to. She had already left us to bring up her two sons. If your gut tells you something is wrong financially, then it is.

I am a MIL and also a DIL. My PILs were not kind to me and I did my very best to please them but it was never enough because I was not who they wanted for their son. When they started treating our children in the way they had treated me, then I decided not to see them again. A decision I have never ever regretted. I am telling you this because if you push your ds and your DIL too hard this could be the result. I am not projecting, just telling you an outcome you do not want.

That said, the withdrawal of the money and the fact you are out in the open with your criticism has put you on shaky ground. I would back off. Maintain contact with your ds and your gc as best you can. I wish you all well.

It’s her money she can do what she wants with it. By your logic DIL has won as well right? The evil MIL will stay away and relationship with her son is now strained but DIL has him all yo herself hurrayyyy

Why are pp piling on the op? If someone, anyone had brought a gift for my child. I would make damn sure to thank them once it had been opened if not before. It's common courtesy, Eve n if you didn't like the gift you at least acknowledge it.
If tea is her usual drink she could easily said that she didn't fancy it not be a rude fucker.
You're not wrong to be upset op and perfectly right to not give them the money. I wouldn't be giving my hard earned money to someone who can't be bothered to speak to me.

Was this her birthday? Who invited you, her or him? The tea thing is weird. so she didn't drink the tea. maybe she had to piss, maybe she just wanted to pop in and having tea would lead to a long visit.
Maybe she is a pain in the ass. We can't possibly know.

OP, rudeness is rudeness and what you do with your 50k is upto you but the dynamic of a 48 year old trying to perceive/ establish a relationship with a 39 year old as a daughter is very tricky. If your son had settled with a girl of 26 you might have more success in trying to parent her. This woman is effectively your peer and so I think discussing her moods/ mental health/ parenting with your son is going to go down like a lead balloon with her. I think the power play between the two of you is more in evidence than you are acknowledging. The focus on her looks, how smitten your son is and the suggestion that she rules the roost and might be using him to get a baby are all fairly negative points of view. These initial things you said seemed to be based on nothing more than the fact that she is beautiful and your son might be putting her first which is as it should be. Also the idea that you think that she might just using your son because at 39 she is desperate for a baby is frankly pretty offensive and if my partner had ever let slip that his mother thought something like that about me I would find it very difficult to see any overtures of friendship from her as anything other than completely fake.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous.
You don't need to acknowledge a handmade gift for your child because the person who made it isn't your father.
You can ignore two of the guests in your home because they're not your parents.
On the other hand you're entitled to benefit from a significant financial windfall from those same people who...well, still aren't your parents.
There is no way on earth I'd be financially benefitting someone who acted this way.
This woman's behaviour is unacceptable by any possible measure. The only reason this isn't unanimously agreed is because a MiL is on the receiving end.

Well if they separate the OP may well see her grandchild a lot more than she does now.

So the op should hand over her cash for that reason.

The op wants a relationship that's the purpose of this thread but dil doesn't seem bothered.

OP she sounds very rude and lacking in basic manners.

You've done the right thing withdrawing the money. Ungrateful cow doesn't deserve it quite frankly.

OP, did your DIL even want the money?

What is the strings attached? Can't see where OP has said she expects anything from DIL apart from a bit of manners.

The op wants a relationship that's the purpose of this thread but dil doesn't seem bothered.

Which begs the question, why is OP trying to force it? How will that lead to anything but resentment?

She could just focus on her relationship with her son and grandchild, but they are barely mentioned in the updates.

Again though, the op sounds like she thinks she is a full adult who can give advice and money.
To the dil she was an irresponsible teenage parent who is trying to act like a parent to someone 9 years older than her. Who has a more sorted life etc. She likely stays quiet to try not to offend or laugh at this woman who thinks she can offer advice. Probably a bit much also having your child's nan be so similar in age to you. And the op is being silly anyway, generally you ask not just give people drinks when they walk in and usually if your son thanks you for their daughters present you don't expect another thank you from the dil.

Take responsibility for what you are posting.

Well, that depends.

It depends on whether someone's need to be 'right' - and given her own far from polite responses to PPs it's clear OP has a hard time accepting she is anything but - is preferred over having a meaningful relationship with their son and grandchild/ren.

I've encountered similar scenarios, both on and offline, and it's quite surprising how often people choose the former.

Priorities.

She is doing what she wants with it. Two years ago she told them they needed a home and told them that her largesse would make thus happen.

Two years later the cup of tea/funny look/bored at an age inappropriate pantomime incidents have now set OP off to consult her and the carpenter's private bankers and wealth managers to get a family trust set up. The 50k will be locked away for 40 or so years at a legal fees cost of about probably 40k in total over 40 years.

She's doing exactly what she wants!

Taking the lack of thanks for the gift in isolation (I know there’s MUCH more going on, but I’m trying to highlight the sexism here), imagine reading this:

”DH made our grandchild a lovely thing and took it to their party. Our DD acknowledged it at the time but our SIL has never thanked him. DH now wants nothing to do with SIL.”

Is everyone as outraged with the hypothetical SIL in that situation as they are with the DIL in the one on this thread…?

I think she is “testing” you, like a child pushing the boundaries with their parents. She doesn’t want to like you, so is pushing each time for you to snap - so then she has a legitimate reason not to like you.

I wonder if this has something to do with her own upbringing/parents and that maybe she resents the fact that you can do all these nice things for them but her own parents don’t/can’t. I maybe completely wrong but I can’t understand why she would dislike you so much but you are also not allowed to know the reason!

in any case, if you are a MIL or stepmother on MN you know to expect a hard time! I’m with you OP and I would not be able to not have it out with my own offspring, as it’s quite ridiculous.

You should really RTFT before commenting. Another poster tried to highlight the cup of tea as if that was the only issue. Here's a little reminder

when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed

We’ve helped with them moving house, we’ve offered advice (when asked for) we’ve been generous financially

She has always been a bit moody and unpredictable, but at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

The fact that you think she can treat OP like this and OP is not to dare question it is baffling. If DIL is 'relieved' not to be getting a house deposit from OP now (I highly doubt it) then problem solved eh? I wouldn't give anyone a substantial amount of money if they dared to come to my house and blank me, family or not.

And if they don't separate? There is nothing to say they have a bad relationship. If anything, he sound pretty loyal to her by honouring her request not to discuss her private business with his mother.

Come on! Her problem is as someone who waited to 39 to have a baby she doesn't respect the op and thinks her attitude is ridiculous. Which it is! She's not pushing boundaries against a parental figure, she's allowing what she sees as not a great influence on her kids life. The son won't say this to his own mother clearly as he'd have to point out the parenting differences. And it would offend op who is all high and mighty anyway.