Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

My DHs parents gave us the house deposit because they take great joy in being able to share what they have and see their family thrive.

I would give my family whatever I had and could, and wouldn't punish them all because one person doesn't live up to my standards.

If this was one of your friends @SadMil you'd be applauded for having boundaries.
But because it's you Dil you're supposed to suck it up.

Sometimes depressed people take it out on the wrong people. How supportive is your son being?
I would maybe write her a letter and express how you’re feeling and tell her you’re always there if she needs you.

But it’s a totally different prospect to risk a relationship with son and grandchild than a friend?

Yes I talked about it ages ago, replying to the OP when she asked why the DiL might find her patronising. Ignored though. The story of my MN life

I really think you have made a mistake by withdrawing your previous offer of money for a home if you ever wantes relations to improve. I can see why you and DH are upset but from what you have said, the relationship wasnt exactly at rock bottom?

Yes, and clearly her son has chosen the opposite to the teenager parenting he got.

@CovertImage What, by painting her portrait whilst she napped? You're pretty determined to pin something on the OP eh?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 This is bloody brilliant

Same @Miajk I am generous myself. However, I would never gift anyone who didn't treat me well. The least I would expect would be basic manners. I understand that you disagree but I'm 40 years old and have met men and women like the OP's DIL (and son!) They rely on the fact that people are 'too nice' to say anything and desperate to be liked. I dont have time for that shit anymore. Its very freeing. Its always better for your own mental wellbeing to take yourself out of the game. Always.

Jesus lol. You are soo desperate to dig at OP its bloody tragic.

I 100% don't disagree if the gift was just going to one person. You're not obligated to gift anyone anything, and you don't even need a reason to justify why not.

But when you decided to do it and withdraw based on something pretty, in turn also spiting other people, don't you think that's very petty behaviour?

Utter foolishness.

How anyone survives in these fractious, pernickety relationships is beyond me.

SadMil please ignore the trolls who think manners are 'old fashioned' plus their ageism thinking, mistakenly, you are old. And you are right £59k is a lot of dosh.

Yea and from her update OP has given many chances but you all act like it was just one incidence of tea and bam they withdrew the money when it’s not.

She clearly states she has always been aloof and they have tried too ignore it many times. When they pull away son reaches out that’s she’s not happy they are not seeing their child and when they come close she pushes them away and now to the extent ignoring them . Heck no that’s so disrespectful and I hope no one in your family treats each other like that.

That’s kind basic decency to say hello to your in laws who came to visit you. I can’t even phantom your logic here. That OP should continue to be a foot mat to someone who obviously disdains her and doesn’t even hadn’t the freaking decency to say hello???

It's not petty though is it? The DIL's behaviour is upsetting the OP and her DH. Their feelings are just as valid as hers. You do not reward someone who treats you like this. You would be an absolute mug to. I've done it myself with my own MIL ironically! Ignored low level shitiness for a long time. I wish I had never bothered and will always regret handing over money, doing favours for her etc. I cannot stand people who think they have a right to affect others around them so negatively. Im guessing the OP has got to that point herself at the grand age of 48! I dont blame her one bit. Hopefully, at least the son will reflect. I doubt it though.

I'm fine thanks, no tragedy here.

"Lol"

I would like to hear the other side too tbh

I don't know if you're still reading OP but I agree with you that your dil sounds awful. I would suspect she either has a personality disorder or has taken a dislike to you for some reason, not that that excuses downright rudeness. And people with depression or other mental health issues are not necessarily rude.

The dislike could be more for your son than you, and as at least one poster suggested, she could be projecting. It sounds like possibly she leapt into this relationship very quickly, had a baby early on and is finding it is not actually what she wants.

I do think you were very mean-spirited to have withdrawn the financial offer based on this though. Surely you care for the welfare of your own son and grandchild regardless of your feelings for his partner? They still need a home. Were you imagining it would all soon be over and she would run off with the baby and your money?

SadMil I'd recommend you ask for this thread to be taken down before one of the papers homes in on it.

Think this whole thread and the OP’s attitude display a worrying lack of understanding of mental health issues tbh. Bipolar disorder isn’t a bit of depression or anxiety - it’s a serious and debilitating medical condition. My cousin has it and is heavily medicated just to function. He will sit and be unable to make conversation or really interact with us, because he is ill and exhausted.

What OP perceived as a lack of manners is probably the extreme effort of the DIL in trying to function and look after a very young baby, particularly for example during the party, where she had to interact with multiple other people (I don’t have mental health issues and I find this exhausting). The tea comment sounds to me like someone overwhelmed and struggling to process new and unexpected information. Not rudeness. People saying “well it’s no excuse for rudeness” are absolutely clueless about the effects of mental illness.

Imagine if the OP’s son had cancer and was fighting a daily battle with exhaustion, irritability and pain and then DIL’s parents decided on the basis of one comment or perceived slight that he was ungrateful and rude and let it colour their whole relationship. Would the OP think that was fair and reasonable, or would she be rightly appalled at the lack of empathy?!

I think OP displays a lot of internalised misogyny, the comments about the DILbeing older and attractive and essentially trapping her son are very revealing.

Also OP should bear in mind that bipolar disorder has a strong genetic component - there are very high odds that her grandchild will also suffer from it. Might be time to work on her understanding of it and her empathy levels.

Agree with every word of this.

Well OP has "won" hasn't she!

Congratulations.

You can pretend to put 50k "in a trust" and you still have one over on your son. DIL. You can threaten them with that whenever you fancy it.

@SadMil I think you are having a unfairly hard time on this thread. Most of us understand that the incidents you are describing would be trivial when taken in isolation, but it would be upsetting & hurtful to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour all the time. I think your DIL sounds rather unpleasant & I find it hard to believe that someone would behave like that accidentally. Absolutely keep your money in trust for your grandchild. You would be crazy to give your hard earned money to someone who appears to barely tolerate you.

My god anyone would think £50k from your parents is a god given right