Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Actually I have a lovely MIL.

If I was moody, or whatever, she would probably be genuinely concerned and not so self absorbed she'd think it's always about her.

When she and my FIL gifted us a house deposit, there weren't string attached about how much gratitude I need to show.

She's very respectful, kind, generous. That's why I know having a MIL like OP would be hell.

@SadMil Does DIL behave in an appropriate way with other people? Is it just you and dh she’s off with?

Do you have any other chn? If so how is dil with them?

You are making assumptions on someone's life based on a thread are you really that shallow.

Pease stop wasting your time responding to
each weirdo on mumsnet. You and your husband have made your decision and your son had accepted it so you don’t need to justify it to anyone here.

Do you know how many women end up fucked and primary carers?

People's behaviour tells you a lot about who they are.

You're making assumptions about how shallow I am based on this thread too, so pot, kettle or something rings a bell..

@Miajk

i would just feel like a doormat giving money to someone who treat me badly. Family or not.

OP this thread has all gotten a bit out of hand. Everyone responding has a view coloured by their own experiences. I think the situation is fairly new given that they are only together about 2 years: I would back off if I were you. Clearly it’s not going to be the big happy family situation you would prefer and it’s best if you try to come to terms with that. IF your DIL used your son to have a baby and/or is the sort of person that only appreciates designer labels or cash gifts for baby, it will become apparent over time. Maybe it’s just a very difficult time at the moment for her MH and she will come out of it. Try to sit back and let it play out. Just offer to be there for your son and grandson - maybe you will have to help pick up the pieces or maybe the couple will figure things out…time will tell. Good luck 🍀

Did your son thank you OP?

If he has, then DIL doesn't need to as well.
And if he hasn't, why is it on DIL?

I don’t know what the answer is but you sound like a lovely nanny and mil, what a shame. Definitely agree about the money, I wouldn’t hand over my hard earned cash to help out someone who treats me like 💩.

Out of nosiness do you have other children?

As we only have your version of events here, which do sound difficult, I think it’s hard to give sound advice.

I would keep offering support in any way you can, especially if she is suffering from depression or has a bipolar disorder.
have you tried talking to her mum about how her dd is? Ask have you done anything wrong-you may have inadvertently said or done something to upset your dil.

All these comments about OP being right to not hand money over to an ungrateful so-and-so are missing the point. It's OP's DS and grandchild who are missing out too. All because DIL didn't fall at their feet to thank them for a gift and didn't drink a cup of tea she hadn't been asked if she wanted. So unbelievably petty.

How does her gift come with strings attached? Do you ignore your “lovely” MIL when they visit you? If that is strings attached to you then damn yeah I will attach strings of basic respect and decency if I am gifting you £50k.

Are you really telling me the relationship with your MIL will be lovely if you ignore her and can’t even show gratitude when they do something for our child?

Why don’t you try it as an experiment and let us know how quickly the lovely relationship will change? Go on try it and come back and report. Next time she comes to you just walk past and ignore her, is she asks Look at her with disdain and tell her nothing. Tell your husband he must not she’s anything with her and just tell her he can’t say.

You will be a big liar if you claim your relationship ship will stay the same and your lovely MIL will gladly gift you huge sums while you treat her like she doesn’t matter. Go on show us.

No there is much more to it than that. Not a cup of tea and lack of thank you. It’s a persistent issue of bad attitude and disrespect

id never hand over money if the relationship was 2 years in and if I did I’d make sure it was ring fenced legally

IF your DIL used your son to have a baby and/or is the sort of person that only appreciates designer labels or cash gifts for baby, it will become apparent over time.

Nothing to say about the son who said nothing to his father, the carpenter, about the children's stool he made for his son's first child?

Only about the woman's lack of appreciation?

The son and father? They don't have to communicate with each other about a personal gift?

We just judge the woman as probably liking designer labels?

This place is sexism on stilts!

@SadMil I'd be over the moon to have MIL like you, OP!

My DD's late DF's parents don't bother with my DD since their son - my DH passed away. Breaks my heart

You would be a doormat if you gave money to someone who treated you badly. I wouldn't take money from anyone so I have no axe to grind. I would feel awful taking a large amount of money from anyone. Always felt the same. My parents and FIL are 'comfortable' wouldn't occur to me to take anything from them. It theirs, for them to enjoy.

Well OPs son has taken his stance and I respect his response so the gift can be kept in trust for the grandchild’s future.

Any normal person would give someone grace to try to understand why they're behaving like this. Rather than get offended and spite their son and grandchild.

Maybe my family and my DHs family are just more kind and gracious rather than petty and self absorbed

That's your answer then. You have no authority or advice to give she won't treat you like a mil. You are basically the same age. I am her age and my husband is older than you. Why are you treating her like a kid when you are the same generation? Also a 39 Yr old new mother likely thinks you made a terrible mistake having a baby at 18 and won't want too much influence on her child, your values clash.

I will bet that you wouldn't agree to go to a panto and then sit there with a coat over your head.

If the OP and her DH put the money into a trust fund for the DGC, then the person who it needs to benefit will benefit.

I don’t know what you’re getting at, all I’m saying is it invariably falls down to the woman to do all the gifting and thank you’s. It’s sexist and exhausting. In our family I look after it all for my relations and encourage DH to do it for his. I’m not sure he does and unfortunately this seems to reflect badly on me for some reason….

Regards our children as newborns I’m not sure I did dictate much but would certainly feel I had a right to when as newborns they were attached to me feeding if they weren’t sleeping and I was doing almost all the primary carer!

Right...the Panto...taking a 6 month old baby to a Panto is normal? Apparently baby enjoyed herself too according to the OP 😂

Is noone else noticing the op is less than 10 years older than her? It's not a parental relationship 🤣🤣

Ring fence it is exactly what I would've done. Drawn up a legal doc that says the £50k is a gift to DS alone and in the event of them splitting should be including in his equity share. No need for petty point scoring.

And I disagree – OP has offered no evidence of any other major clashing issues other than the present and cuppa while acknowledging her DIL, who is bipolar and struggling with her mental health, tends to be withdrawn. She just doesn't like her and doesn't approve.