Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

@Miajk

neither would I

I'm afraid I'm always a bit sceptical over posts like this owing to my own experience.

My in laws would probably say I can be rude, distant and moody.

What they in fact don't realise is how many times they've hurt my feelings and pissed me off over the years with their interfering, rudeness, criticising and much more. Husband is too spineless to deal with their behaviour.

The fact that you were offering them 50k when they haven't even been together long and are now withdrawing it on the basis that you don't like your dil makes me wonder.

Did you dil want to go to a pantomime? Did she want a cup of tea? Did she want 50k?

An 18 year old will experience pregnancy and new motherhood in a different way to a 39 year old?

its just what I have observed over many years of being a human being. any Teen mums I have known have had significantly more parental involvement than adult women in their thirties. Teen mums, from what I have seen, receive and need more advice and guidance, and more financial support than established adults.

it’s just common sense?

You need to let them know that you are sorry, but circumstances have changed, so you no longer can help them buy a house.

Honestly, I think your DIL wanted a child and wanted someone to help pay for having one. Don't be surprised when she "decides" the relationship is over. If they have a house because of your cash help, she will be sure to take it, along with anything else she can get. I know this is a pessimistic view, but I truly believe that when people show you how they really are, you should believe them.

What if the op was a single mother with the same feelings would you think the same way about her?

We don't know that the DIL didn't thank them afterwards though. OP and her DH's complaint is that she didn't thank them in the moment in the middle of a party she'd been busy organising. There was a gift table, which implies that everyone plonked their presents down and there would be formal thanks later, which is pretty common! And their DS thanked them when they arrived with it! But no, that wasn't enough for them. It sounds like they'd only be happy if DIL prostrated herself at their feet! I think they've done her a favour withdrawing the money offer – I would hate to be beholden to people like this.

You're almost in a 'damned if you do , damned if you don't' relationship with your daughter in law.

If you back away , she'll probably say that you're not interested but if you're proactive in your support, she'll decide that you're interfering .

I genuinely think that some new mothers just go into their own zone and seem to forget about other family members.

I feel for you, I really do , alas I've nothing constructive to add.

All good wishes to you.

Because the status quo of this is the man doing none of this social admin and the woman doing it all.

Surely she can thank her mum and friends for their presents and the son can thank his own parents for theirs?

He did thank them

So son's dad is a carpenter and dad makes son something he's really pleased with himself about for his grandchild, gives it to his son wrapped up, son says thanks. It's not unwrapped there and then but then none of the gifts are. He doesn't call him later to say dad, I love that, his dads handiwork. Son says nothing about it.

What do son's mum and dad do about their sons lack of "manners" over dads handiwork?

Seethe and ruminate over how it's the woman's fault.

Ruminate on her to avoid noticing that their son didn't tell his dad how brilliant the Disney stool is. They don't like her anyway so it's convenient to blame her.

They focus on blaming her so much that when they pop in the trap is set and a funny look over an unwanted cup of tea is enough to peak their rumination into a search for the ultimate punishment.

I don't think your son cares about the Disney stool. I think he cares about it as much about as he cares about your money.

Not at all.

I imagine many are from women who dislike their MILs and have painted them all as evil, dismissive and mean. So, they are quick to pile-up on a MIL who has a DIL that is rude, dismissive and mean, excusing her as "just having a baby".

This is exactly it, but OP doesn't want to or can't hear any of this.

I also was accused of being imperfect by my mil. All she wanted to do was love me like a daughter. But couldn't as apparently I "wouldn't let her". Tried to get dh to tslk to me multiple times, but every time she did that, it pushed me further away.

She's now in very failing health and it nearly all over (their childhood and her life). Looking back, I wouldn't have been able to do anything differently. Probably neither would she.

The upshot is, 15 years down the line, she's had an ok relationship with ds and dd. I just hope the time she spent with them wasn't spoilt by her own resentment of me, because when she wasn't here, I didn't give her a second thought.

It's been a bit pants, but no major rows because what's the point.
Just make the best of it.

If I wanted to better the life of my son and grandchild I wouldn't spite them just because I don't my DIL ungrateful. But maybe I'm just not that petty?

When was this pantomime then OP? Most likely Dec/Jan time. So what the baby was around 6 months old?

He thanked them for a wrapped gift he didn’t think them again once he saw the obvious effort that had gone into it all.
It sounds like a beautiful gift but the anger is a bit misdirected.

Perhaps you should check with your son if he is contributing equally to parenting and running the household including mental load.

Household inequality is often the cause of moodiness in mothers of young children.

You would give someone £50k and they don't like you. Is that what you're saying to give her a meal tiket.

Lucky-- ITA! 💯
I think some people are always either looking for excuses or making up excuses for behaving the way they do.

If the DIL has MH issues than she needs to get help/medication. It's not an all-inclusive excuse to be rude and disrespectful.

Yes. Imagine being in the position to give your grandchild a better childhood and start to life...but you won't because your DIL doesn't kiss your arse to a high enough standard.

But it's not a cash gift for the DIL, it's a present to the whole family.

Families are complicated, I wouldn't however spite my whole family because I don't like one person in it. Some people are petty beyond belief tbh

@Led921900
Why on Earth is Social Admin a thing when it comes to forming meaningful relationships?

Social Admin should be extremely low down on new parents' social responsibilities.

A new baby has , generally, two sets of grandparents. Why should a new mum's parents top trump ? Why should a new mum dictate everything?

Why should extended family feel the need to pussyfoot around a new mum?

It's a family thing.

Really think we should look to other countries and see how new babies are integrated into families.

We're in danger of becoming insular and self centred, with a massive dose of 'how dare you!'

This is upsetting for you. I think it’s a bit of an impossible situation, really. I think the only real choice you have is to take the ‘smile and wave’ approach. Just be yourselves, continue to be polite and remain supportive. It could be that your daughter in law is immature and not a very nice person, maybe she’s socially awkward, maybe she is depressed; no one can know for sure what’s going on so it’s best to carry on as normal, support them and continue to be kind. Don’t give her anything that she could potentially use against you or use to cause trouble. Don’t allow her to hurt your feelings because this will only ultimately result in hurting you and your husband. Difficult but I think you have to take this approach for your sons sake. I think it’s what he’d want.

P.S. I would love it if you made me a cup of tea and took me to the panto!

Do you know how many men end up homeless and fucked?

Gosh not sure why the op is getting a hard time. She has tried hard with this woman. Been warm, friendly, kind and inviting. The op is entitled to basic manners and respect.

It is not spiting the child and son it is being wise and not giving a lump sum to someone who certainly wouldn’t appreciate or deserve it!

If she wants a reason to act like an A-hole well she’s bloody well got one.