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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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7
Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:27

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:20

😂 this is priceless. What didn’t help was you’re not allowed to use mobile phones in the auditorium so she continued with a coat on her head. That’s probably perfectly normal behaviour as well though

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See, I knew you had more examples.

Theft · 16/07/2023 17:27

Perhaps she doesn't like you.
Perhaps obviously you don't like her.
It's you who has most to loose and you who has to be the bigger person for that imo.
She holds all the cards, so just suck it up and do not put your so in an awkward position.

Led921900 · 16/07/2023 17:27

I wonder how her own mother and friends would describe DIL and then also the OP? We really don’t know her side.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:29

Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:27

See, I knew you had more examples.

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But is a good one

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 16/07/2023 17:29

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 17:26

Relationships don't happen to you: they are two-sided. You need to look long and hard at what you've done, or said, that may have contributed to this relationship breakdown. You are not going to get any real advice here, because none of us know you or your DIL.

You seem to hold your DIL responsible for a lot, which is what I highlighted as being old-fashioned. Your son didn't write a thank you card either, but you haven't written a post tearing him apart for his lack of manners (which is curious, since you raised him, and manners seem very important to you).

It's very possible your DIL doesn't like you. She doesn't have to, and you don't have to like her either. Of course you also don't owe her and your son a housing deposit, but the way you went about offering and then taking this away was definitely on the petty side, and seemed to occur as a result of the MN pile-on you seem to be delighting in. It's all very childish behaviour from someone who is in her 50s/60s (guessing at your age here based on your son's age).

If you really want the relationship to improve, try looking inward. You don't need to be friends. You just need to tolerate each other for the sake of the baby. That means letting go of the things that seem to infuriate you (don't make tea, don't expect lots of thank yous, don't be offended if she would rather scroll on her phone than talk to you).

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This is lovely.

That's what I was trying to say OP, but I was too busy being sarcastic.

carduelis · 16/07/2023 17:29

FWIW, OP, I do understand why you were upset not to be thanked for the gift. If you give someone something handmade and then get the impression they don’t like it, you’re not just sad that you put time and love into making it, you also feel really silly for thinking they’d want something you had made. The comments here about handmade gifts not fitting the decor of their house etc strike me as really heartless.

That said - it’s your son you should be annoyed with for not thanking you for the gift itself later rather than just acknowledging that you had brought a gift at the time. I’m very big on thank-yous and I love handmade thoughtful gifts, and I wouldn’t write a thank you note to my in-laws - that’s my DH’s job (though I might nag him to write one, and I might well mention the gift next time I saw them).

NotStayingIn · 16/07/2023 17:30

I think you've done the right thing. Why would you give someone who clearly doesn't particularly like you £50k. I wouldn't.

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 17:31

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BadNomad · 16/07/2023 17:32

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:27

I’m not old (48). No one expects her to be a people pleaser, just basic courtesy will do just fine

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Not you. Her. She's not a young girl. It makes no difference to her life whether you like her or not. It will affect you more though to make an enemy of her. She is your grandchild's mother. Your son has committed himself to her. How do you think this is going to play out?

Dweetfidilove · 16/07/2023 17:32

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 15:43

It's all a bit academic now. Grandma's chucked her toys out of the pram and is off to spend money on solicitors to tie up their cash rather than give it too her son.

He's chosen a too old, too attractive, too ill woman to provide her with the appropriate standard of grandparent experience.

I'm pretty sure all the pointless engraved baby tat people hand over at christenings etc. gets buried deep in a cupboard somewhere.

It's been a handy talisman to use as an excuse for MILs disappointment with her sons choices.

I do believe the new family are going to be relieved this equity donation has gone away and all the drama with it. It's the last thing a bipolar sufferer needs, high drama grandparents. A phyric victory for OP. Nose and face comes to mind.

The couple are relieved, OP and husband can now rid themselves of the expectation of politeness- sounds like an excellent result all round!

Life is too short to lumber ourselves with people we can't be bothered with or have prejudices against.

User1789 · 16/07/2023 17:33

OP, I think the fact that you are talking about your DIL not 'getting a penny' of your money, belies how much you are making your DIL responsible for your the relationship you have with your son and grandson.

If you had framed the situation as you offering your son the money to help him finance the raising of your grandchild, you might have avoided this whole sorry mess.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 17:34

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 17:32

Not you. Her. She's not a young girl. It makes no difference to her life whether you like her or not. It will affect you more though to make an enemy of her. She is your grandchild's mother. Your son has committed himself to her. How do you think this is going to play out?

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What's your solution give her £50k and she doesn't like the op. Should she be a pushover?

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 17:35

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:22

Why do you think she feels patronised though?

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Because she's 39 and you're 48.

It's possible that that small age difference could amplify the effect and the annoyance of her receiving what she perceives as even the slightest piece of unsolicited advice or comment.

Have you ever commented on things like feeding methods, weaning, naps, car seats? Anything at all?

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 17:37

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 17:34

What's your solution give her £50k and she doesn't like the op. Should she be a pushover?

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Nope. It's fine to not give away money. But making it clear it is because of what the DIL did is inflammatory.

PrincessofWellies · 16/07/2023 17:37

SadMil · 16/07/2023 17:10

If old fashioned means having basic manners, yeah I guess you’re right.

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Yep, I'm with you Op, it's basic manners.

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 17:37

SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:30

You may well be correct, who knows? What I do know is that her behaviour (whether she can help it or not) has had a really negative impact on both my husband and I. My husband struggles with social anxiety, it was a big effort for him at the party, we went around and said hello to everyone (obviously there were quite a few people we’d never met), he was very hurt that the gift wasn’t acknowledged (he’d spent hours engraving and and putting thought into it).
He doesn’t want anything to do with her now, but I’m aware this is potentially going to cause a real rift, especially as we’ve decided to no give them the money.
Why can’t people just be polite and respectful? I guess I’m old fashioned but but was brought up to treat people how you’d like or expect to be treated yourself.

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What did your DH want? For your DIL to bring the party to a standstill and make everyone watch and listen while she elaborately thanked him and showed off the present? Why did the thanks have to come from her? You said in your OP she'd organised it, which implies she was busy, so why wasn't your son's thanks enough in the moment?

MrsU2022 · 16/07/2023 17:41

Agree its basic manners to say thank you for a gift - I don't get the whole son can thank you...if my FIL made something and put all that love and effort into it, I'd want to personally thank him.

On another note, I wouldn't want my husband discussing my 'feelings' with my MIL - purely because she's quite opinionated and I would feel like she's meddling in my relationship - I personally feel like that's quite invasive.

I have a reasonably good relationship with my MIL - I don't adore her but I don't despise her. I often find her quite overbearing and she does push her opinion quite a lot in quite a 'parenting' way which I struggle with as find it quite condescending, although I appreciate she means well. I can't imagine she has any awareness of this though, so might be food for thought!

Zood · 16/07/2023 17:42

What is all this nonsense these days that each half of a couple only deal with their own parents right own to thanking them for gifts? Are in-laws only supposed to speak to their own child? That sounds exactly what the DIL is doing, in-laws not her problem , no need to waste common courtesy on them.She doesn't see the need to invest any effort in forming a relationship because she sees them as her partner's responsibility. It's a horrible attitude and nothing to do with health issues normally, just how a lot of people choose to operate.

Miajk · 16/07/2023 17:45

OP:

  • doesn't hold her son to the same standard as DIL
  • throws a fit and withdraws money she was going to gift because she hasn't received enough gratitude
  • is pretty rude in her responses to posters
  • scrutinizes every behaviour of her DIL who is a new mother struggling with mental health

OP have you ever considered that maybe the issue here is you? You don't sound like a very pleasant or kind person to be around

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 17:45

@MrsU2022 what I don’t understand is why OP and her husband are only upset because the DIL didn’t thank them - their son didn’t thank them either but the focus is on the DIL.

OP was a teen mum - so her experiences of motherhood were likely very different. She clearly has an issue with this woman’s age.

I think it’s a unfortunate mix of a stroppy DIL and a sexist, critical mother in law.

the son is golden balls so will never do anything wrong.

unfortunately for OP as long as this couple is together she will lose out. her son’s loyalist will be to his partner. As it should be

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 17:46

throws a fit and withdraws money she was going to gift because she hasn't received enough gratitude

Whats wrong with this? I wouldn’t give 10p to an ungrateful sod let alone £50k

WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 17:47

Zood · 16/07/2023 17:42

What is all this nonsense these days that each half of a couple only deal with their own parents right own to thanking them for gifts? Are in-laws only supposed to speak to their own child? That sounds exactly what the DIL is doing, in-laws not her problem , no need to waste common courtesy on them.She doesn't see the need to invest any effort in forming a relationship because she sees them as her partner's responsibility. It's a horrible attitude and nothing to do with health issues normally, just how a lot of people choose to operate.

It’s very much a MN thing that only people in a couple deal with their own parents. In the real world, people behave normally and with manners.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/07/2023 17:47

Op you're 48 so you are not that much older than your dil. You had your son young like myself I also had children young. Were you pleased with your son's decision? Looks aside because looks aren't everything and he obviously rushed in quickly. Has your son ever said anything about her that ring alarm bells?

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 17:47

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 17:45

@MrsU2022 what I don’t understand is why OP and her husband are only upset because the DIL didn’t thank them - their son didn’t thank them either but the focus is on the DIL.

OP was a teen mum - so her experiences of motherhood were likely very different. She clearly has an issue with this woman’s age.

I think it’s a unfortunate mix of a stroppy DIL and a sexist, critical mother in law.

the son is golden balls so will never do anything wrong.

unfortunately for OP as long as this couple is together she will lose out. her son’s loyalist will be to his partner. As it should be

@jennyjones198080

OP was a teen mum - so her experiences of motherhood were likely very different. She clearly has an issue with this woman’s age. “

how have you worked that one out?!

jennyjones198080 · 16/07/2023 17:47

Zood · 16/07/2023 17:42

What is all this nonsense these days that each half of a couple only deal with their own parents right own to thanking them for gifts? Are in-laws only supposed to speak to their own child? That sounds exactly what the DIL is doing, in-laws not her problem , no need to waste common courtesy on them.She doesn't see the need to invest any effort in forming a relationship because she sees them as her partner's responsibility. It's a horrible attitude and nothing to do with health issues normally, just how a lot of people choose to operate.

That attitude usually kicks in when one set of parents is a problem.

but what I am seeing on this thread is more gender stereotyping. So much of relationship management - for both sets of parents - falls to the woman. Both parents don’t need to say thank you for the gift separately. In this case neither did - but the focus is on the woman.