Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Yeah, you’re right that all makes sense now 😊

What was the context of going the pantomime, OP? Do you all like the pantomime? Did the baby go too?

It's really not my cup of tea (do you see what I did there) and I have a horrible feeling that if forced to go to spend an evening with Widow Twanky out of social obligation, I might end up on my phone looking at MN ... I can imagine it would be exactly the sort of thing my ExH and PiLs would put me through, and by the point of the final appalling camping trip in the rain one summer my fixed smile was faltering big time.

If you want to pick on one part of my comment, go for it. You seem like a pretty unpleasant person, and I'm glad you aren't my MIL!

It was a suggestion that they both agreed to, I therefore didn’t foresee a problem.

baby seemed to be having fun

turns out I don’t think it was her cup of tea either 🤣🤣🤣

You sound like you’re about 12

This is not the great insult you think it is.

Thank you for proving my point.

Control people? Eh? Time for a cup of tea ☕️

You’re welcome ☺️

Omg you are DIL aren’t you?

OP I just imagine you following around your DIL with a little notebook. I bet you could describe exactly how many minutes she looked at her phone during the pantomime and exactly where she placed the tea she didn't drink and many other examples (please don't though).

As someone said earlier, this kind of ledger-keeping is not really going to help a lifelong relationship.

@Anklespraying

how do you think I have been rude?

Did you really think everyone here was going to cheer you on for your petty behaviour? Plenty of others have pointed out that you clearly aren't the wonderfully kind presence you seem to think you are.

Get an ounce of self-awareness if you want your relationship to improve. Otherwise, you're creating a scenario where you might see your son and grandchild far less than you'd like, all because of your bitter score-keeping.

😂 this is priceless. What didn’t help was you’re not allowed to use mobile phones in the auditorium so she continued with a coat on her head. That’s probably perfectly normal behaviour as well though

Well, cups of tea aside, what's your gut feeling about it all now, OP? Because you're pretty much at shit or bust point here. Given you've nothing left to lose, you could push for a proper explanation, which you may not enjoy hearing but which might clear the air after a bit of a break, and you can all start again when the dust settles.

I'd take a punt that at 39, she feels a bit (a lot) patronised by you. And I don't think you mean to have that effect.

I don’t think it’s me that needs to get the self awareness though - can you explain?

what do you think have I done that’s petty?

Why do you think she feels patronised though?

Why didn’t your son… on unwrapping that lovely gift… get in touch and thank his father for it? Why does she have to? Are you angry with him about it? I will never understand why the mums are supposed to take this all on.

I think you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. You don’t know how she views you or the relationship she has with you and then taking away a gift you promised is going to impact your son and grandchild and your relationship with them all.

It’s a shame she’s not a nicer DIL to you but without knowing you both we can’t really judge. But it’s a dangerous road getting angry about it because you risk no contact with your child and grandchild. Keep that in mind.

Hahahha you are so revealing in your latest posts. You are completely unable to take any accountability. "She won't be getting a penny" did she ask for your money lol look at you trying to control this women. You are looking at zero relationship with your DIL and grandchild and honestly that sounds like what you deserve.

There’s a thank you for receipt of a gift that you’ve not opened and a thank you for the gift once you’ve opened it.

the DIL did neither. The son acknowledged the first. Neither of them followed up with any kind of thanks afterward

the tea thing is out and out weird.
the total blanking at the party was unmistakably rude, and DS “isn’t allowed to discuss DIL feelings”

at least @SadMil has got her view across to him, hopefully it’ll sink in and they’ll find some manners somehow

This comment is shallow.

That's the thing about older wiser women, they don't feel as obligated to tolerate or put up with others they don't like. I don't think it matters much to your DIL if you like her or not. She's not some young people pleaser who feels like she needs to turn herself inside out for the approval of her in laws.

DIL sounds like a very rude and unpleasant person. I would treat her exactly the way she treats me, and completely stop going out of my way for her.

Relationships don't happen to you: they are two-sided. You need to look long and hard at what you've done, or said, that may have contributed to this relationship breakdown. You are not going to get any real advice here, because none of us know you or your DIL.

You seem to hold your DIL responsible for a lot, which is what I highlighted as being old-fashioned. Your son didn't write a thank you card either, but you haven't written a post tearing him apart for his lack of manners (which is curious, since you raised him, and manners seem very important to you).

It's very possible your DIL doesn't like you. She doesn't have to, and you don't have to like her either. Of course you also don't owe her and your son a housing deposit, but the way you went about offering and then taking this away was definitely on the petty side, and seemed to occur as a result of the MN pile-on you seem to be delighting in. It's all very childish behaviour from someone who is in her 50s/60s (guessing at your age here based on your son's age).

If you really want the relationship to improve, try looking inward. You don't need to be friends. You just need to tolerate each other for the sake of the baby. That means letting go of the things that seem to infuriate you (don't make tea, don't expect lots of thank yous, don't be offended if she would rather scroll on her phone than talk to you).

I’m not old (48). No one expects her to be a people pleaser, just basic courtesy will do just fine