Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

I bet the DIL is so relieved to not be getting that money. FFS she’s a new mum, she’s probably hormonal and anxious then throw in there a trying to keep stabilised a serious mental illness. She must be absolutely exhausted and you’re picking at minor things like drinking a cup of tea. Let’s face it she’s older than your son, she’s beautiful and she’s taken away his affections and you don’t like it. Why on earth would your ds speak about her feelings and emotions on the phone to you? It’s none of your business.
She’s better off without your money.

The sons statement about being asked not to share partners personal info with MIL makes it sound like he's done so before.
Could IL's have mentioned this to her (in any way meant), coupled with the disapproval of the age difference (ffs they're adults) and baby so quickly ( again they're adults) and this woman has clear boundaries ILs don't like?
Or she could be twunt.
Or unwell (that pisses me off when mental health issues are somehow used against people, normally women)
As for the money. Only you will know if your family/relationships have now imploded OP 🤷🏻‍♀️
It wouldn't have been a decision I'd have made lightly.....

Seems to be a lot of assumptions being made.

the money - not sure of the ‘strings attached’ comments - the money was offered early on in their relationship, shortly after her pregnancy was announced. We were overjoyed and obviously this meant they wanted a home of their own to provide security for their family unit. We knew they didn’t have much in the way of savings. Under no circumstances was this a ‘pay to have involvement with our grand child’ kind of arrangement. Quite frankly the suggestion of this is offensive. Apart from the fact that the thought of potentially problems down the line didn’t even cross my (our) minds. Maybe that was naive.

It was not a knee jerk reaction about withdrawing the offer, things have been sliding for a while now and we have picked up on the fact she doesn’t seem to want to make any effort to interact with us let alone have any kind of relationship with us. Obviously this has led to my husband and I having doubts about the amount of money - it’s a lot (for us) it’s £50k.

‘She has picked up on the fact that we don’t like her’ - as previously stated we have been nothing but warm, friendly and welcoming. On the occasions she has been distant/ rude it was simply ignored- nothing was said and we just carried on acting normally. This however has just continued to get worse not better. We have tried backing off then get messages from DS saying she’s upset as we ‘clearly don’t want to see the baby’, we make an effort and yet again we are dismissed.

We organised and paid for a family trip to see a pantomime at the local theatre. She spent virtually the entire performance scrolling on her mobile. She didn’t seem grateful or even enjoy herself. Again I find it rude, maybe my expectations are too high.

‘The gift’ - we arrived at the party and were greeted by our son who of course said thank you as we handed him the gift. It was placed on a nearby table (unopened) with all the other presents. My husband (a carpenter) had made a small wooden stool and engraved with a Disney character and the name and date of birth of the baby. He was so pleased with himself, we had no further acknowledgment from either of them. He was upset by this, put maybe as someone posted, people don’t want cheap tat cluttering up their house. Nevertheless we thought it was a nice thing to do.

I’m a very supportive person who would help anyone out if I could. I really don’t judge others, we’re all different. I do however feel there there is a difference between suffering from poor mental health and being downright rude.

We do not regret our decision to withdraw the money offer. We’ll just have to see how things pan out.

you really think this about a cup of tea? 😂

Glad you think she’s better off without the money as she won’t be getting a penny now

Well yes you chose to be mortally offended because she didn't drink tea. You're the one who mentioned it. It makes it sound like you're looking for reasons to get huffy.

And from the above, you were thanked for the gift?

It sounds like you can’t do right for doing wrong, OP. Your husband’s gift was a lovely one. Hopefully they will have the good manners to show appreciation at some point.

I’m not offended, let alone mortally offended about making a cup of tea. She always drank tea, I made her one on arrival, people with manners would either say thank you or politely decline. Instead I was looked at like I have two heads and was made to feel like I’d done something wrong. Frowning and saying ‘Oh, (long pause) you’ve made me tea’ to then put on the side and not touch is a bit off.

If anyone was huffy it was her 🙄

No I don’t think it’s about a cup of tea. I think it’s about the fact you don’t like her and you’ve mentioned her mental health problems, the fact she’s older, the fact that she’s beautiful and your son is obviously smitten and that your son won’t discuss her personal feelings with you over the phone. And your “she won’t be getting a penny” comment of the money you offered (she didn’t ask for) says it all.

Oh and let’s not forget she’s older and used your son for a baby. You’ve judged her she doesn’t like you because she knows you don’t like her. The end.

Omg 😆 Why are you picking up on small details? Do you not understand context or insight?

@SadMil What my aunt and uncle did in a similar situation was but the £50k worth of house and have it all legal that that is theirs. Should my cousin and her separate they get back their £50k or my cousin can buy her out. Maybe something to think about as then ur son isn’t missing out on a house.

I swear I read a very similar story on here about 5-6 months ago maybe have a search and see what the advice/outcome was.

Hope it all works out for u. I don’t get on with my in-laws but they were very rude to me from the get go. I would never have not said thank you, hello or shown good manners regardless of my feelings as i care about my dh and it would impact him. As my child has gotten older i find it easier to talk with them as it’s normally all about her so we have something in common now! It might get better.

I think you should let your DIL be and have your son step up. The spoon sounds like a perfect gift, but you should stop expecting DIL to be grateful and expect your son to take charge. Same with visitation. There is no reason why your son and grandchild can visit without her. Offer baby-sitting and meeting with the child through your son and see how that goes. As for the money, if you're giving it either accept that it will be gone without strings attached or have a talk with a lawyer. It is possible to have a relationship with the grandchild without having a relationship with the DIL.

I mean, describing in even more detail how she didn't drink the tea doesn't really change things.

It doesn't matter what context you give OP, some people either cannot or won't read between the lines and just want a stick to beat you with. Hence the cup of tea comments 🙄 it's bloody tedious. Again, good for you. Boundaries are a good thing to have.

No I’m afraid you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick. For all I know my son may have wanted a baby more than she did? I think two grown ups having consensual sex are aware of what contraception is. They both chose to have unsafe sex. It is what it is! Neither is anyway more responsible than the other

As if on cue...

@Anklespraying

I guess that I don’t think that Op should feel she has to give money to someone who is rude and disrespectful towards her.
what’s yours?

Ok you’re right, I’m wrong. Next time I visit someone and they happen to have my usual drink waiting for me, I’ll look at them in an incredulous fashion, frown and repeat ‘oh (long pause) you’ve made me a cup of tea!’ Proceed to place it nearby, not touch it and ignore my host. That’s completely normal obviously in mumsnet world 🙄

To be perfectly honest, OP, you sound very old-fashioned, and on top of that, you are clearly keeping score of your DIL's behaviour in a way that will never lead to a healthy or positive relationship. It's incredibly petty.

Some of your comments have been very revealing, and the fact that you think DIL is responsible for thanking you for the gift and not your own child speaks volumes about how you view a woman's role in a relationship, even when that woman is not related to you.

You are overly focussed on what you call "manners," while failing to show any self-awareness, let alone empathy. Your relationship with your son, wife, and grandchild is not going to get any easier unless you take a hard look at how your own behaviour has contributed to this fraught relationship.

Yes you've taken steps to really damage a relationship because "we never received a thank-you" but in fact you were thanked? Why does your DIL have to run over and thank you as well? Well listen, you offered money for a housing deposit and then withdrew it as an "fu" so your DIL has been adequately punished I guess.

What is your excuse for your rudeness though?

If old fashioned means having basic manners, yeah I guess you’re right.

Your son was very rude not to thank his dad for the thoughtful gift for his baby.

please do t blame the woman - thanking people for gifts, sending birthday cards, arranging visits etc is not woman’s work.

it seems this lady is rude - but so is your son. They are well matched!

You mentioned the money to them when she got pregnant. So nearly 2 years ago?
I really do think she's aware of your negative feelings about her, despite your instance that you've been nothing but kind. What reason would she have for being annoyed at a cup of tea? Maybe she thinks it's polite to offer someone tea, not just decide for them. I think you're both picking up little things done by each other and blowing them out of proportion.