Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

I know right?!
totally unreasonable @Led921900
be interesting if you become a grandparent…karma and all that

@Anklespraying

no sorry it’s not an excuse for rudeness

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

Perhaps ask these bipolar sufferers if they prioritize other peoples happiness about money over their own mental health.

Funny you don't mention the money in you first post or that she has bipolar.

You said you offered them the money for a house deposit, and after posting this at 9am you've since rung them up and told them they won't be getting it, when your first post wasn't even anything to do with the money.

You also don't mention if your son thanked you for the gift?

I'm just struggling to see why she's a massive bitch and your completely innocent in all this. Would love to hear her side of the story!

It's your advocating for OP to keep the money coming that's dreadful. By all means cut contact with your pain in the arse MIL but don't continue to take handouts.

True but the horse is already out of the barn. The OP didn't have to offer money for a house, but she kindly did. Now to revoke it over a perceived snub? Awful.

What's your excuse?

What stands out to me is that the son and DILs relationship doesn't sound healthy - her moods, she's controlling what he can say on the phone.

Given the short time they've been together and the challenges they have had I wouldn't expect them to stay together in the long run.

Therefore no way would I be gifting deposit at this time. Perhaps when son is older, if they do break up, so he can buy somewhere for himself and GC.

I would advise OP to try and see son and GC on their own and give DIL her space as she sounds quite unwell.

I'd rather not have the money than have it with strings attached from
Someone who doesn't like me and has formed an awful view of me (even if it was deserved!)
My friend was in an awful similar situation where mil put 20k towards their first home and then constantly brought it up and tried to tell them how to decorate etc etc etc as though it was her home too- they gave it back as soon as they sold up so that she couldn't (luckily they were in a financial position to do so as their area had gentrified and they'd been promoted)

The Dil is nearly 40,if the op upset her somehow the adult thing is to sit down and discuss it.
Not ignore the op and expect a handout.
You're not going to get on with everyone and we've all had a foot in mouth moment.
Plus the Dil is the one keeping the bad feeling going.
You get what you sew.

My partner suffers from bipolar and has had treatment for it. Without DiL getting a diagnosis we are all speculating. However there is no way he would ever act at a child's birthday party the way DiL had done here ie interact with all her friends while not saying a word to the grandparents who had put thought and effort into the gift.

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

She's literally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Everyone is assuming the DIL is "expecting a handout" from the OP but we have no proof of this. OP didn't say they asked for money, or expected money from them. OP said they OFFERED money. So it appears the only reason they might be "expecting" money is because OP herself told them she would be giving it. DIL specifically could not even want this money.

Where was it said that she's expecting a handout?

Yes I agree!

We don’t get anything from the PiL except time with their grandchildren (not babysitting) who obviously enjoy it. That’s enough.
If she has money as leverage then it should be gifted in consideration of her son and grandchild not withheld to spite the DIL. How does that help anyone?
reducing it and giving them a monthly contribution is likely to keep the contact going when it could so easily be withdrawn.
If I had a DIL like that I would be upset but try to work around it to maintain contact. I’ve been on the other end of it and sometimes you just don’t get on.

You and your husband sound completely ridiculous. You have offered money (prematurely ) and now making a fool of yourself retracting it.
You clearly don't like her and the feeling is clearly mutual.
This is definitely going to end in them going NC with you - congrats.

Yes, DIL is probably relieved not to have this "gift" with all its strings.

As somebody with challenging in law relationships (I am v low contact with my MIL), I would echo the advice to lower your expectations to zero. It doesn't sound like you have a relationship with her, and forcing it, particularly when she is going through a difficult period with her mental health, is just going to lead you to be resentful.

You need to reframe the relationship you have with this part of the family as primarily through your son. He probably needs some support, particularly with the baby right now. Make that your job to sort out.

You have every right to be sad that your relationship with her hasn't worked out, and you are allowed to mourn the situation.

There's no excuse for bad behaviour I was a child victim of it and eventually, after loads of attempts to bring my mother closer, I gave up and made no contact. It was hard work getting her to make any effort. She canceled coming over to my children's birthday party it would have been door to door drop off and pick up. I saw her in 2014 and couldn't bare it anymore after that. The last time I saw her was on her deathbed this year in March. People have to want to change and understand.

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.

The benefit of making sure you get along with your PILs is that they're your husband's parents and not getting along with them is likely to put a strain on your marriage. If they're not actively offensive or abusive you find a way to see them that doesn't involve insulting or offhand behaviour. You show willing, you try to establish a relationship, you behave like an adult and not a spoilt child.

Yes, I have had PILs and they haven't been people who I'd naturally volunteer to spend much time with, but they we found ways of appreciating the good things about each other and rising above the difficult stuff.

Other benefits? Well, it's great for a child to grow up in a supportive, loving family that includes other generations. The more people who are there to love a child the better. So you do it for your child's sake if nothing else. And if you're hoping to receive financial help, it helps if you can be at the very least polite. If you have a child or children, PILs can be useful for baby-sitting and later child-minding.

And back to your this:
I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.
The child has a second parent and if he wants to take the child to see its grandparents he can. No need to be so threatening.

She sounds the type that wants only her family involved. I hope your son does not go along with that

Unfortunately you have to be there for your son.which for the time being means ignoring your dils behaviour so you can still have contact.

What a way to look at life a kind gesture is met with who knows met with jealousy.

You have my sympathy Op, I have a very similar issue and have decided to rearrange my financial affairs to ensure my family money stays within the family.

It's a very hurtful attitude from her but it probably isn't personal, maybe it's a control/narcissistic thing, I don't know. I've given up trying to understand I'm afraid.