Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

On the contrary, kudos to the son for respecting the confidence of his partner. On what account does his mother have right of access to information about her medical status, or her private feelings that she might have communicated to her partner with a reasonable expectation of her confidence being respected?

DiL has made it clear she does not want this talked about, and OP's attitude towards her is beginning to make it clear why. The judgmental attitude conveyed in later updates toward DiL's possible motivation for hooking up with son, having a child so quickly, and possible financial implications makes it absolutely clear why MiL is not remotely in this woman's confidence.

DiL might not be aware of the sum total of MiL's disapproval of her, but you can bet she will on some level have registered that disapproval. This is also a woman struggling with mental health issues and possible PND. In those situations, the judgement of others can exacerbate those conditions and make the sufferer feel worse than they already do.

Perhaps this is getting to the rub of why OP experiences DiL's behaviour as rude.

Yeah, we don't use money to control people. We don't offer money with conditions.

Have you mentioned anything to her (or to your son, which he repeated) about her age? Or would she have overheard a comment? Sounds very clear to me that you have insulted her (about this or something else) and she is stewing. She is also exhausted, mentally at the end of her rope, and perhaps in general feeling judged. As for the gift, my in laws are always giving us tons of gifts we don’t need, not our style, and then I have the work of finding a place for them and writing endless thank you notes. It’s exhausting. Your DIL’s situation sounds very similar to mine, though I didn’t fall pregnant for three years so the relationship was established. I adore my parents in law now, but at the beginning the overstepping and generational difficulties was a lot for sleep deprived me to handle and I’m afraid sometimes ignoring the pils was my only way to cope so as not to say something I’d regret. The advice I didn’t agree with, the nonstop items given, and the putting hands all over my baby (post partum anxiety and depression nobody noticed or got me help for??) all contributed. As the baby got older things evened out all around and we are all closer now and the relationships are healthy. Hang in there and be as much of a help as you can without overstepping. BTW we have the same age difference (me older) and have been happily married for 15 years now. I also think it’s unfair to suggest she used your son for a baby. He’s an adult and had full participation in the matter. If she’s so attractive presumably she could have found a man to have a baby with anywhere. She and your son chose each other.

Haha, what a twist. You've conveniently missed out

when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed

We’ve helped with them moving house, we’ve offered advice (when asked for) we’ve been generous financially

She has always been a bit moody and unpredictable, but at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal

What on earth made you think it was just those two things you mentioned. Always best to RTFT.

I didn't ever tell my own parents about relationship issues (maybe I should have done though!) I would confide in a close friend. Family to me feels inappropriate as they are too invested

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad

Does she need to come over or have anything to do with you - could your son bring the child and she can stay at home or do something else.

Your grandchild is the interesting person here, not your DIL. And she sounds rude - I'd be happier not having to see her as long as your son still brings your grandchild over.

Well of course if you were on your own with a newborn, after a c-section, you'd need help, that's a no brainer. My "helpful" DP was gone before baby was 1 year old, I have nothing to do with MIL now. I'll have a read of your other thread.

As for OPs DIL, I think an adult of nearly 40, regardless of anxiety, depression, shyness etc who can't say hello or thank you is just downright rude. There is no excuse for it whatsoever.

Bipolar disorder. The OP has posted about the DILs diagnosis.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms/

Haha nice way to minimize very rude childish behavior. Really saying hello to your in laws is now being made a fuss of and saying thanks for the present is asking for heaven and earth lol.

I guess you’re the DIL lol.

Yes granddad has every right to keep his money from someone who doesn’t even have the basic decency and politeness to say hello, who wants to have nothing to do with them and keep them at arms length but doesn’t mind taking money from them. Classic.

Get a life .

I wonder what her side of the story would be? I certainly think it’s fairly common for grandparents to expect effort to come from the female in the relationship. So DIL is expected to sit and chat, expected to write thank you cards, expected to do all the hosting etc. did your son greet you? Did he thank you for the gift? Does he chat when you pop round? Do you contact your son or DIL to see the child? It’s difficult to know without both sides of the story, some of it sounds rude but it’s also really annoying when your IL have a higher bar for you than for their own child

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

Some sufferers answering questions.

"DIL is expected to sit and chat"? Oh ffs! You're saying that as if it's abnormal. Don't we all sit and chat when we visit/have visitors? Otherwise why invite people/go visiting? Mumsnet is really another universe sometimes. I also haven't seen OP post anything about expecting a handwritten thank you card, where did she say that? Or that she was 'expected' to do all the hosting. Stop making things up.

Yes granddad has every right to keep his money from someone who doesn’t even have the basic decency and politeness to say hello, who wants to have nothing to do with them and keep them at arms length but doesn’t mind taking money from them. Classic.

Nothing to do with them apart from the OPs post where she mentions the most recent visit from son and DIL and baby?

"they popped in yesterday"

"Lol"

Take 5 mins, drinking a cuppa tea and read what you wrote again. None of it makes any sense.

OP has not asked for a written note, just basic acknowledgment and thanks for the gift and I’m sure that’s a normal expectation unless you think that’s unreasonable?

Are you saying greet your guests is also unrealistic? Your in laws come to your place and you ignore them? And yes it’s your job as a host to sit and chat with all your guest not just focus on your friends and ignore some. Yes I grew you probably will not spend equal time with everyone but surely you would acknowledge and at least say hello, are you ok, want anything to drink etc or is that expecting DIL to be a maid?

I act the same way around my MIL because I just don’t have anything to say to her anymore.
She will gift things and then expect all the thank you’s to come from me. She will see me running around without saying a word to her son, but anything to do with the household or children she defers to me even though I work more hours than my husband … it seems I’m expected to do everything.
Any conversation I start she uses an excuse to start monologing about how it was for her. Any decision I made is passively aggressively critiqued.

Day to day have you looked at your own behaviour? Are you sexist towards her expecting her to do everything even just in the way you talk?

It is telling you expect a thank you from her but have said nothing whether your own son was pleased or said thank you?

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild.

I would reduce the deposit you were offering for the house but still give them something (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?). Then I would agree to give them the rest monthly (or a smaller sum monthly and some in an account for your grandchild) so long as you’re able to see your grandchild 3-4 times a month even just with your son?! That should motivate the contact and allow you to build a relationship without bringing her into it. As I tell my husband his Mum needs to build a relationship with the grandchildren, and not think everything she does is a favour to me.

From my side the amount of stress my mil causes has been a real downside of having a family.

After suffering similar problems with my dd (pnd) I stepped back and Said I’m here if you need me and left them to it. After a few weeks things started to get a little better.
my dd has got the meds she needed and is a lot better now .
tbh half of the problem was she wouldn’t accept that she had something wrong or needed help.

I read that as she doesn't want him discussing her feelings with his parents, i.e. OP. Presumably because DIL is either aware of or senses OP's disapproval that she's older than OP's son and therefore thinks she got pregnant on purpose.

@BungleandGeorge

expected to sit and chat?! Omg the horror
who doesn’t sit and chat at least for a bit when they have guests?!
Some people on here have literally no clue about even the basics of social interaction- I really don’t know how they function

@Led921900

youre basically telling op she has to pay to see her grandchild

Haha, the cheek of you😂. You're telling OP to keep giving her money and let her DIL continue to treat her like shit...because you do the same. Nice use of manipulation and treating the child as a pawn (after all don’t you want your son and grandchild to be secure in their own place?).

I’m sorry to say but if there isn’t some benefit for her in maintaining the relationship I am afraid she might go non contact and you won’t see your grandchild

What do you mean by this? Sounds like you're saying without payment she just won't bother seeing OP? And you're sticking up for this horrible person?

LED931900 RTFT the OP updated that the money is now being put into a trust for the DGC! Most sensible use of it.

Just because you have issues with your own MiL don't assume that the OP is like her. The DiL sounds plain rude.

It's all a bit academic now. Grandma's chucked her toys out of the pram and is off to spend money on solicitors to tie up their cash rather than give it too her son.

He's chosen a too old, too attractive, too ill woman to provide her with the appropriate standard of grandparent experience.

I'm pretty sure all the pointless engraved baby tat people hand over at christenings etc. gets buried deep in a cupboard somewhere.

It's been a handy talisman to use as an excuse for MILs disappointment with her sons choices.

I do believe the new family are going to be relieved this equity donation has gone away and all the drama with it. It's the last thing a bipolar sufferer needs, high drama grandparents. A phyric victory for OP. Nose and face comes to mind.

I’m saying over 10 years my mil has ground me down to the point I am on edge around her.
Someone else has posted “sometimes ignoring the pils was my only way to cope so as not to say something I’d regret.”
which is exactly true.
Every time I let my guard down and start a chat I am immediately reminded why I try to keep my distance. I don’t want my husband discussing me with his Mum because it will no doubt come back to bite me when I least expect it. “Are you not keeping on top of your house because you’re feeling depressed.” Er thanks but feck off and asked your son recently last time he tidied (this is an example not real!)

I think OP is not at all liked by her DIL who is likely to be punitive and go no contact if the house deposit is withdrawn. Does OP want that or would it be better to put something in place so DIL can’t do that? I’m suggesting a way to work around the DIL as if they do decide to gift the money once the house is purchased I reckon they’d go no contact anyway!

I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents but not everyone does.

These bipolar suffers can explain how difficult it is for you

Some people on here have literally no clue about even the basics of social interaction- I really don’t know how they function

https://www.bipolaruk.org/jaaq

@Anklespraying

they aren’t going to be relieved. They are missing out on money! And all because DIL couldn’t bring herself to show basic manners and politeness. Oh well, tough for them innit. They’ll just have to keep working and wait til they can afford house deposit by themselves.