Struggling with DIL

[SadMil]

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

Yes you can and should retract it. Because when this falls apart and the house is sold this madam will get most of it. At this stage the more you give the worse she’ll behave and the more she’ll take

I wouldn't.

Just tell them that upon review it would jeopardize your old-age care.

Are they married, OP?

Exactly. Some plausible excuse can be given. Pending job loss (or fear of), etc.

Rather than hinting that she's an older woman who used your DS to have a baby - you could see that as someone who has had an entire life before falling pregnant quickly. It means she's more likely to be suffering with PND. Plus her and your DS are still working out their relationship as a couple and their relationship as parents. Her relationship with you and your DH won't be top of her priorities atm.
If you think in terms of circles of support then the baby is at the centre, then the mother then the father, you and your DH are in the outer rims. I can see that it's upsetting not to get an acknowledgement or thank you - but to rethink loaning or gifting money because of a lack of social niceties - when you know she is struggling with her MH - seems petty in the extreme. It also makes it seem as though you infantilise your DS, don't hold him to the same standard (or did he say thank you but you wanted a personal thank you from her too?) and don't trust his decision making.

Indeed. And if I were DiL, I would, and do. I don't get involved in the relationship DH and DC have with the in-laws at all, and I've every reason to believe it suits everyone (and it's better for DC not to have to witness Grandma openly treating Mummy like shit).

There are others who might justifiably reason that you don't get to ostracize the mother and be rewarded by a relationship with her children without her presence.

This is not necessarily my view, but it's a view I've seen expressed many times on this site. The upshot is, that unfortunate as it might seem, the children's mother holds all the cards here. From OP's perspective the DiL is certainly rude. From DiL's perspective, OP might have been rude to her and she's responded in kind: who can know what her motivation is if she's not saying?

The issue here is that a schism is already opening up. OP can choose to complete that breach, or to take a step back and try to heal it. Always bearing in mind that unnecessary rudeness is not okay, but that DiL is not mentally well and might ultimately resent this as a factor that's exacerbated that condition.

For now, it really is best left.

TBH I can't see much reason for complete rudeness.
I say this as a DIL with significant MH issues. Since having my DS I've sort of leaned into my MIL and FIL, I've found their love for him has healed a lot of the stuff I've struggled to accept from then, behaviour wise towards my DH and myself.

I think in your shoes, I'd offer a bit of support a few times and if it doesn't change, I'd probably ask that your son pops around with the grandchild when he's having one of his outings so she can rest, so you can bond with your grandchild without the sour atmosphere.

I think, bearing this in mind and the fact that the relationship is likely to not last, keep the money back for when your DS needs it. That way he won’t lose half.

It's really weird that you didn't mention the fact she has bipolar disorder in your first post.

YABU, OP. Making major life decisions such as whether or not to give your son money to buy a house based on things like your DIL not drinking a cup of tea you made is extremely petty and you're going to destroy your relationship with your son over all this. Your choice though.

It is possible that you have been trying too hard - with the best possible reasons as you wanted to make her feel at ease, but for some people that can feel pressurising and too much. I would just cool it when you do see her, and not initiate anything like visits or meeting up. Let her come to you in her own time, if she does at all.

Having said that, there is little if any excuse for outright rudeness. She seems like a 39 year old acting like a truculent teenager. I would tell your DS that you and your DH are upset by her boorishness, and leave it at that for him to sort out. Time will find a way hopefully for you to know your grandchild.

What's to struggle about with one baby? People on here always try to makes excuses for female poor behaviour, the DIL sounds very rude.

Why should the OP offer anything to the rude DIL? She's making her own bed by her behaviour, let her lie on it.

You CAN retract the offer of money. Wait until you see she has effective remedies for her mental ill health. if she is bipolar it can take a long time before the correct meds are prescribed. I hope your DS is able to persuade her to meet a psychiatrist not just a counsellor.

Yeah, that’s the price for her to be polite and not ignore her husbands parents.

Just read your update OP. 'he is not allowed to discuss her feelings'? Your poor son.

Separating a mother with mental health difficulties from her baby?

Is she not allowed to privately confide In her partner without it being broadcast to wide family?

I always feel like offers of 'help' from my Ex'a mum involve taking baby away from me, which I don't want, but help from my friends and own family is chores or meals which makes me feel like they care about ME and me bonding with my baby, which of course makes me more keen to have them over than exMIL who expects me to entertain her and make her coffee etc

So your ex-mil offered to take baby for you to give you a break but you're bitching and moaning about making her a coffee?

My mother managed to raise 6 of us without anyone coming in and doing the housework for her. I understand in the early days of a newborn, people bringing food or helping with some chores would be useful but we all just got on with it when we had kids. I'm only in my 40's so not that long ago. I had a section with one of mine and didn't need anyone to do my chores.

Yes when my baby was three weeks old I didn't want anyone taking him
Out away from me just so they could spent time with him (not to give me a break) if you want to give a mother a break then chores are the best way to help. I also had a c section- I could barely get in and out of bed unassisted for first 10 days or so. If you can and want to do chores after major abdominal surgery that's up to you would you like a certificate or medal for this? Just because no one helped you you begrudge my lovely friends and family helping me? (I also had no partner btw)

She's probably picked up that OP has the measure of her and can see straight through her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum this is not the wide family it is his parents. My DD tells me in confidence about SiL issues and to gain my insight. I am a sounding board and shoulder to lean on if she needs to blow off steam. In the OPs case her DiL displays some coercive traits and appears to be a controlling personality based on what has been posted.

Maybe she just doesn’t like you? Why wasn’t your son looking after you at the party and thanking you for the gift? Did you ask what to get as a gift? Not everyone wants a homemade gift, it’s just something that’s going to clutter up their house and they’ll never be able to get rid of it because grandad made it. She’s giving off strong leave me alone vibes, maybe stop expecting her to act the doting DIL?

Where was your DH/DP? It's not that nobody 'helped' me, I'm sure they would if I'd asked. DP was able to manage a few chores round the house while I recovered. A medal? What for? Looking after my child and taking it easy for a couple of weeks? Hardly.

Is that how it works in your family? All money dependent?

We have just spoken to him on the phone and had a frank conversation. We’ve told him how we feel and asked him if there’s any reason for her behaviour. He has said he is not allowed to discuss her feelings with us.
We have told him we are no longer gifting the money as we are uncomfortable with this. He is disappointed but understands.

I’m not sure this was wise, though you’re clearly feeling hurt. You’ve made the gift sound as though it now has conditions attached, a bit controlling even if that wasn’t your intention. I would tell them your circumstances have changed and it’s not a good time for you to make the gift, but you’re available to support them in whatever other way will be helpful to them both. Put the ball in their court.

FWIW that comment about not discussing her with you suggests your DS has been coming to you for sympathy when things between them are difficult, which may feel like a betrayal. I think she’s deflecting her resentment towards him onto you.

@Olive19741205 very good question! he walked out when I was 8m pregnant so I definitely needed help post c sections- one of the reasons I would have liked more help vs being a host when ex mil came over (if my son ever does that to a pregnant woman I would do everything I possibly could to help her) see my post 'AIBU to reduce contact with ex mil' for more info if you're interested in knowing more but sorry oP I think I have derailed from your post.

In terms of OP post it's so hard to know if she is coercive/controlling or rude or it's her mental health and she's shy etc. but I think the only thing to do in these situations is be kind and open to your son, helpful to her if you can but have low expectations of what you get back. Therefore there's no amunition to help alienation if that's what's going on, and also you won't make her feel
Worse and both of them resent you if she's genuinely struggling