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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSS's behaviour on holiday, is this a usual teen?

140 replies

Hop27 · 16/07/2023 07:12

DSS is nearly 16, last year we did a big holiday to Thailand. Asked if he wanted to bring a friend, he has previously on short haul, but he said no. He was so excited for the holiday, but once we got there he literally never left his room in daylight. Came with us on island trips etc, and out at night but literally had one swim in the pool and rarely interacted with us. Yes I get it adults are boring.
We had a room each and he spent ALL day with the aircon on and on his phone. Rarely joined us for breakfast, wouldn't come to the gym with us, would occasionally join us for lunch - but then would go back to his room to 'chill' until evening.
We only have a couple more years of holidays with him, do we risk Asia again this year or just have a couple of long weekends somewhere?
It's a lot of money for DSS to spend the whole trip in his room (at least he is getting value for money in room occupancy) or is this just typical teen behaviour. DH and I need a holiday thinking 3 nights city, 10/12 nights beach either Vietnam or Malaysia. Or do we need to do more to involve DSS? Or should we just be happy that he is with us?

OP posts:

orangeleavesinautumn · 16/07/2023 07:14

It sounds like you were spending most of the time in the hotel complex yourself? What is the difference?

Orchidflower1 · 16/07/2023 07:15

Could you have a mini holiday just the two of you ( assuming dss goes to mums) and have a mini break with dss.

For the break with dss could you discuss with him where he’d like to go- may help
him to be involved in the process. But- big but here- he is expected to interact and come to meals etc.

MaximusPaddimous · 16/07/2023 07:16

If you don’t want a repeat of the last holiday, you need to find a holiday he is going to engage with. Your holiday in Thailand sounds like bliss to me, but I have teens and there’s no way in earth they would have enjoyed it.

Our teens would either prefer a beach/pool holiday or a shorter city break one where there’s plenty of stuff for them to do with or without parents.

PrimalOwl10 · 16/07/2023 07:17

At that age he's getting to the point of not wanting to holiday with his df and dsm I'd leave him and have an adult holiday.

CoalCraft · 16/07/2023 07:17

It sounds fine to be honest. He came with you sightseeing and socialised with you in the evening. I get it's not how you'd spend your time on holiday but it sounds like he enjoyed himself and wasn't stopping you from enjoying yourself either?

LemonsOnTheMelons · 16/07/2023 07:20

CoalCraft · 16/07/2023 07:17

This. I don’t see the problem. Though I think you should bring him into the decision making process of where you’re going to go on holiday.

YSoSirius · 16/07/2023 07:23

Personally I wouldn't want to spend that sort of money for him to spend all day in the room so if I wanted to go on that sort of holiday again I'd leave him. I wouldn't see the point in spending the money to bring him.

Then do a cheaper couple of days somewhere else with him if you feel you need to.

Curseofthenation · 16/07/2023 07:24

So he went on all the excursions with you but didn't follow you around the hotel? It would have been nice for him to join you for breakfast and lunch consistently but honestly, this type of holiday does sound quite dull for a teenager. I mean, I'm 33 and I'd find it mind-numbing being stuck in a complex all day.

A city break that involves going out and seeing things each day sounds like a good shout. If you went to somewhere like Malaysia then perhaps you could ask him to help plan out an itinerary - maybe doing some research on that phone!

AuntieJoyce · 16/07/2023 07:26

We’ve been on cruise holidays with DS and at the age of 16, and he would come for the trips and then appear at meal times, but usually only dinner. He was off with some friends though, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable in general

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 07:26

My DD 17 done this on our last holiday in May and I was pretty annoyed and explained that she’s probably only looking at another 3 holidays paid for with us! So she needs to make the most of it! It’s annoying af I did say if she’s not enjoying the family holiday then say so and she can stay with granny as we have been paying adult prices for her since 16!

Id make the same suggestion!

Caravanvirgin · 16/07/2023 07:31

Came on all trips and spent all the evenings with you and some times joined you for lunch. Sounds fair to me.

winteriscoming2022 · 16/07/2023 07:31

When mine were this age all holidays were planned around their needs, not mine. I was a lone parent so couldn't financially have both teen and my own holiday.
So it was key camp type holidays in South of France, pools, discos and teen dramas, they loved them and still talk fondly of their escapades. As they would always take a friend each I was there only to lie around the pools or caravan sort of keeping an eye out, provide huge amounts of food and take them on an occasional day out. Yes it wasn't my absolute dream holiday but knew I'd get my own once they were older.
Once they were later teens they did their own thing with friends and that's when my adult holidays could start ( Africa mostly which they would have hated) As it won't be too much longer your DSS will want to go away with adults can you not spend just one year doing a 'teen' holiday?
Oh and his behaviour sounds well within normal, it's not his thing by the sounds of it. 16 year olds generally want other 16 year olds for company

Dannexe · 16/07/2023 07:32

We are currently on holiday with DSs 18 and 16. Last holiday ds2 was exactly the way you describe.

I have picked a lovely hotel with a beautiful adults only area (16+). It’s quiet and serene with constant waiter service for drinks etc. We’ve actually spent the whole time around the activity pool for DS2 who has played non stop water polo, volleyball, water volleyball, water races, ping pong tournaments, Jenga matches etc. it is not the holiday I’d planned but DS2 is having a whale of a time and has asked if we can come back next year. It’s removed him from his phone so it’s well worth the sacrifice.

NorthWestThree · 16/07/2023 07:55

What would you expect him to be doing at the times he is in his room on his phone? I have friends who have done similar resort holidays and they sit by the pool reading their books and complained that their kids were indoors on their phones - personally I don't see much difference between the two things (except I suppose you don't have a pool at home, but for non swimming people it's not a benefit!)

We don't do resort holidays (due to finances) so we are out and about a lot but when we are just relaxing we all do it in our own way which is fine (I will be on my phone or iPad usually, DH likes to read books, kids will be on their phones or playing on the switch)

Do you play games together at all? I always have a pack of cards in my handbag and we like sitting in a pub playing card games. When we go away (caravan/cottage in the UK) I always take board games for the evenings.

I think if your DS is joining you on the excursions then its fine during the relaxation part of the hols that he does it his way rather than yours

Floofydawg · 16/07/2023 08:00

Yep, my DSS did this the last holiday we took him on. I refuse to go away with him again.

gogomoto · 16/07/2023 08:02

Sounds pretty typical, I remember my dd at 16 staying in the apartment we had rented, only coming with us if we were going to interesting places eg she likes the Roman amphitheater and the vineyard trips! She asked for money and went to the supermarket and bought food and cooked it rather than go to restaurants (I admit france is rubbish for vegetarians but we wouldn't go somewhere with no options) the one meal out was pretty bad for her despite calling ahead and the maitre d' assuring my friend they could accommodate a vegetarian ... the offering they suggested was FISH! Chef stormed out and had a short row with my friend (he's French too) a least it sounded bad then amazingly a lovely vegetable and goats cheese tart and fries was offered

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 08:11

Sounds about right for a mid/late teen.

We brought the friend last October to Lanzarote and they appeared to have a great time, but mostly focused around going to the gym, sauna and watching tribute acts at the hotel . But DS had a smile on his face each time we saw them and we mostly did breakfast and dinner together.

If DSS seemed happy enough on the excursions then it sounds like he had the holiday that suited him. We decided that we'd just do a holiday that suits DS once more in October ( Tenerife) and then after that he'll be 18 so he can come if he wants but we'll be doing the holidays we want.

JackGrealishsCalves · 16/07/2023 08:18

Yep, this sounds pretty normal for a 16 Yr old boy.
Our ds, now 18, would come to the pool/beach for a couple of hours but then go back to the room. He did join us for all meals though.
This year we had a villa so he was at least parked on the poolside in the shade or in the living area, albeit with headphones permanently attached 😅

Xrays · 16/07/2023 08:21

I am not surprised he doesn’t want to go to the gym with you on holiday 😳 If he’s going on the trips and having dinner with you I’d say that’s pretty good going for a teen!

Goldbar · 16/07/2023 08:22

It sounds like he enjoyed his holiday in his own way, which did involve spending some time with you. He didn't sulk or ruin your enjoyment of what you were doing. So I'd say that was a win.

If you could get the same or a better outcome (measured by more engagement?) by spending a lot less money the next time, then I'd save the long-haul expensive trips for you and your OH and plan another trip specifically where DSS would like to go.

cheezncrackers · 16/07/2023 08:23

I think if you were just hanging around the resort it's fair enough that he chose to do his hanging out in his room with the aircon on. Was it really hot/humid? My 15-year-old would probably have done the same tbh. As for the pool - does he love swimming? Mine doesn't and will often go an entire holiday without ever going in the pool or down to the beach. Gym - he likes to go alone because he listens to his music and works out. If he's with friends - fine - but he wouldn't want to work out with me or his dad.

So, all in all, I think his behaviour was normal. But I don't blame you for not wanting to drop thousands of pounds on a repeat performance. My teen loves cities and if we're in Rome, Paris, New York, Lisbon or wherever, he'll gladly come out with us to explore, particularly if food is on offer!

JMSA · 16/07/2023 08:25

Normal, sadly. Don't think my teens joined me once for breakfast in Greece last year. They mostly emerged for a late lunch though I was driven demented by them until I learned just to relax and let us enjoy the holiday in our own ways.

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 08:27

Did you ask DSS if he enjoyed the holiday ?

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 08:27

It sounds like all three of you enjoyed the holiday in your own way, which is a win! But if you resent paying a lot of money for him to not really make use of the facilities, maybe do a cheaper holiday for a couple of years until he doesn't want to come with you at more.

Canisaysomething · 16/07/2023 08:28

He is relaxing on holiday in the way he wants to. Perfectly normal teen behaviour.

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