DSS's behaviour on holiday, is this a usual teen?

[Hop27]

DSS is nearly 16, last year we did a big holiday to Thailand. Asked if he wanted to bring a friend, he has previously on short haul, but he said no. He was so excited for the holiday, but once we got there he literally never left his room in daylight. Came with us on island trips etc, and out at night but literally had one swim in the pool and rarely interacted with us. Yes I get it adults are boring.
We had a room each and he spent ALL day with the aircon on and on his phone. Rarely joined us for breakfast, wouldn't come to the gym with us, would occasionally join us for lunch - but then would go back to his room to 'chill' until evening.
We only have a couple more years of holidays with him, do we risk Asia again this year or just have a couple of long weekends somewhere?
It's a lot of money for DSS to spend the whole trip in his room (at least he is getting value for money in room occupancy) or is this just typical teen behaviour. DH and I need a holiday thinking 3 nights city, 10/12 nights beach either Vietnam or Malaysia. Or do we need to do more to involve DSS? Or should we just be happy that he is with us?

Where would he like to go?

Maybe part-board would be better in terms of getting all of you out and about a bit more?
Maybe a cruise? They tend to be about 50:50 slobbing and exploring. And there'll be other young people around for him to get to know.

My parents took me on an amazing holiday to Barbados when I was about 15. I spent probably 70% of my time in the hotel room watching Charmed 🙈
At the time I just wanted to be on my own and while I appreciated the beautiful surroundings I was just happy in my room. My parents didn't give me a hard time although I'm sure they felt a bit pissed off at the time.
Needless to say, with hindsight I realise how very lucky I was and I wish I'd participated more but alas, my teen brain was very different!

He's basically 16 so too old to be dragging along on holidays unless he really wants to come, he can stay at home and you and your DH can go on holidays alone.

How did he manage to socialise with you in the evening and go on the island trips while “literally never leaving the room”? Did you take his room with you on the boat and out in the evening or do you just not understand what literal means? He's 16 and probably doesn't want to spend all his time with you but it sounds like he spent quite a lot of it with you.

Currently on holiday with DD14 and Partner and his DS18 in Florida. Universal studios for 4 days then Miami, Everglades and the Gulf Keys. Last year we did California and Arizona. Honestly holidays with teens need to be about them and engaging in stuff.

He sounds like a normal teenager. I would have been far worse at that age as I hate the heat and don’t like swimming!

@Hop27 What interests does your DSS have? Could you plan your next trip to include some things he can really look forward to (as well as making sure you can all relax)?

We've dropped major holidays and only doing short interesting city breaks. We have had a much better time.

Also stopping when they are hungry and thirsty to sit down and rest for an hour improved the experience no end!

I have 17yo and 14yo boys. They need a 'doing' holiday - trips out, exploring cities, water parks, hikes, tennis, football tournaments etc. They could probably do one day at the pool/ seaside. We often to 'multi' locations, max a week in one place, which needs to have plenty to do - watersports etc. But also lots of exploring.

Important to understand the differences in teen brain development especially re getting up and early for breakfast:

https://theconversation.com/why-teen-brains-need-a-later-school-start-time-65308.

It's not his fault - it's his age and stage, and as the adults the adaptation and understanding needs to come from you.

In fact, one of the most interesting things to do on holiday is to get from location to location if you stay in several different places. We use buses, trains. This year in Canada we are hiding a car and driving around a lot. The journeys themselves are interesting not just an airport transfer and then stay put.

DD1 was 16 last year and did this in Greece. She did come to wander around town and out for lunch/dinner a few times, and for a hike in the mountains but only came to the beach once even though it was 5 minutes away and absolutely lovely. Then when we got home she said she loved the holiday and I think she really did, in her own way.

Sounds like he enjoyed himself. Typical teen I would think.

He met you for lunch, came out in the evening with you and went on trips with you. I think that's plenty to be honest. I wouldn't be thrilled with somebody trying to drag me to the gym on holiday either 😆

It sounds like it might have been too hot for him, could you find out what sort of holiday he's interested in then do one with him and one alone?

His report of the holiday was brilliant by all accounts. I was just a bit at the Thousands spent for him to mostly hang out in his room. He was very involved in the planning and was very keen to go but I guess the reality was different. No X-Box and limited online interaction with friends if he was away from his room wifi, he didn't want a local
Sim nor would he utilise free wifi if we were out and about! He is used to the heat, but like most kids HATES wearing sunscreen, we live in a similar climate and a euro camp style holiday just isn't accessible for us. I guess I just need to factor in a couple of more expensive holidays like this then he's an adult, and he can holiday where he likes!

Ah it's great he enjoyed it @Hop27 . I'm a little confused because you said he came on all the outings and joined you for most meals, so was it just when you were relaxing around the hotel that he didn't join in ?

But he didn't mostly hang out in his room. He went on excursions, some lunches, dinners and hung around with you in the evening. What were you doing when he didn't want to join you other than going to the gym.

We are away for 15 days out of those days he came out of his room in daylight with the exception of a quick lunch a handful of times. There were plenty of days surfing, paddle boarding, wandering about the local town where didn't move from his room but when we did 'big' trips he came. I get it he's a teen, we are boring. Just seems like a waste of a trip to another part of the world!
He's keen to do Asia again, so let's see!

But he enjoyed himself, so how is that a waste. Holidays are meant to be a relaxing fun time, which he sounds like he had.

No he didn't spend all of his time doing exactly what you'd do, but he's a teenager, you're not, you're going to enjoy different aspects of the holiday. As long as everyone enjoyed themselves, it wasn't a waste of money.

To be honest DS (27) has always come on holiday with us. And he holidays with friends as well (lucky chap). City breaks he will be out and about but probably not until lunchtime.
it took me a long time to flick the switch in my mind that his idea of a holiday was being in his room on the phone. Just as my ideal is reading my book. We discuss trips and what we want to do and we generally all muck in but we absolutely value our time doing our own thing. When he was little I craved time by myself to read. So I’m guessing phone time is his craving.

Honestly as someone else said he will look back and wish he’s done more but that’s on him.

Did he enjoy the holiday, that’s all that matters? You’ve got possibly 2 more holidays with him. Let him choose where you go, what activities you do and enjoy holidays on your own in a couple of years.

My kids seem to enjoy going on holiday with me, but I take them one or two at a time, and do things that interest THEM. They all have different interests, so our breaks/ holidays need to tailored to them individually, if they are going to want to go, and enjoy it. My own enjoyment primarily comes from spending some quality time with them.
I can’t imagine many teenagers being overly invested in sitting by the pool, while parents sunbathe and read books.
We go on trips, or muck about in the pool together. We spend time playing table tennis, or table football, or pool, or board games. Go to local markets. Boat trips. Museums. Shopping. Eating out. Exploring. Snorkelling. Whatever works for the kids.
If I want a holiday by the pool, I’ll have plenty of time to do that, when my kids no longer want to spend time with me. For now, I’m making the most of every minute/ year that they do.

I think what's really important, that you've missed doing, is having a conversation with him.

You know, if you want to go on holidays with him and spend more time together before he moves out. Just talk about it. Say its what you would like and is it something he's interested in.
If he says no then you guys can come to an agreement and figure out holidays a bit differently ie maybe you don't take him sometimes and maybe you're kind and help him out with some cash for him to go on one of his own.

Alternatively, maybe he really needs someone to mention, hey this is the last few years you really get to spend time with your parents and have holidays paid for you. He may just not be thinking much and it may be useful to have older person wisdom.

Teenagers like to be independent and given freedom. If you treat him with respect and ask him what he wants and engage in discussions, I imagine he'd appreciate that. Rather than making decisions on what holidays he's invited to based on his behaviour, without asking him why or just generally trying to understand eachother :)

My son did this at 16. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s fun for them to hang out with parents if it’s just in the swimming pool/on the beach. That’s probably why he still enjoyed the excursions. My son also didn’t want to leave the hotel Wi-Fi for long because he had a new girlfriend! Sad to say, but he has not been on holiday with us since then except for a city break

My DD who is now 19 has ASD and at home spends most of her time in her room. For as long as I can remember, on family holidays she will opt to stay in her room by herself as much as possible, much like at home. It used to annoy me a bit that she wouldn’t join in, but I gradually realised this was HER way of joining in. She’d be really hurt if I didn’t take her with us, she feels part of it in her own way. So I’d give him the option to come, see what he thinks.

"Literally never came out of his room in daylight"

"Came out in daylight a handful of times"

I don't think you know what literally means.