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AIBU?

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Original poster

DSS's behaviour on holiday, is this a usual teen?

140 replies

Hop27 · 16/07/2023 07:12

DSS is nearly 16, last year we did a big holiday to Thailand. Asked if he wanted to bring a friend, he has previously on short haul, but he said no. He was so excited for the holiday, but once we got there he literally never left his room in daylight. Came with us on island trips etc, and out at night but literally had one swim in the pool and rarely interacted with us. Yes I get it adults are boring.
We had a room each and he spent ALL day with the aircon on and on his phone. Rarely joined us for breakfast, wouldn't come to the gym with us, would occasionally join us for lunch - but then would go back to his room to 'chill' until evening.
We only have a couple more years of holidays with him, do we risk Asia again this year or just have a couple of long weekends somewhere?
It's a lot of money for DSS to spend the whole trip in his room (at least he is getting value for money in room occupancy) or is this just typical teen behaviour. DH and I need a holiday thinking 3 nights city, 10/12 nights beach either Vietnam or Malaysia. Or do we need to do more to involve DSS? Or should we just be happy that he is with us?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/07/2023 08:34

I am mid 60s but even I can remember not wanting to go on family holidays as a teenager and would stay at home with DGPs. We never holidayed with our DS once he was over 17 .. we did the occasional 'specific' trip .. eg; skiing with Dad (I don't enjoy skiing) but it's just too much hard work trying to ensure everyone enjoys their own holiday.
I am amazed that so many parents want to drag their DC on holiday .. it's very clear that amongst my friends the 'children' only went along to get a free holiday.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/07/2023 08:46

He’s 16
just leave him at home and you and your partner go
don’t waste your money

Xrays · 16/07/2023 08:47

Ragwort · 16/07/2023 08:34

I am mid 60s but even I can remember not wanting to go on family holidays as a teenager and would stay at home with DGPs. We never holidayed with our DS once he was over 17 .. we did the occasional 'specific' trip .. eg; skiing with Dad (I don't enjoy skiing) but it's just too much hard work trying to ensure everyone enjoys their own holiday.
I am amazed that so many parents want to drag their DC on holiday .. it's very clear that amongst my friends the 'children' only went along to get a free holiday.

We go on holiday with dd aged 20 (and obviously Ds aged 11). She loves coming with us and we spend a lot of time together doing things but we’re all fans of enjoying our own space so no one feels they have to be doing stuff all the time- we all like having a bit of time in the room to chill out between things. No one has a go at anyone etc. It depends how you get on as a family. Dd always chooses to come with us, we always tell her she doesn’t have to. This year we have had an all inclusive 4 star holiday in Ibiza, we had a 2 bed apartment and dc shared, and in a few weeks time we’re off for our annual weeks holiday at our nearest Haven which we’ve done every year since the dc were tiny…!

Xrays · 16/07/2023 08:48

(We always tell her we love her coming with us, we don’t make her feel unwanted - I just mean by the simple fact she’s at university and has her own life / friends now).

Ellmau · 16/07/2023 08:48

Did he not enjoy the heat?

Did he have any input into the destination?

luckylavender · 16/07/2023 08:51

It's normalish I would have thought. My DS is older now but by that age he certainly wanted to do his own thing. We always insisted he had breakfast though & he would be in the water a lot because he's sporty. He was always far less interested in trips.

DelilahBucket · 16/07/2023 08:57

He probably still enjoyed his holiday. DS15 was similar last year, spent huge amounts of time in his room alone but joined us for all meals and excursions. He's asked if we can go back to the same place again this year because he loved it so much.

user1492757084 · 16/07/2023 08:58

I think your DSS would join in if the holiday were to be more adventurous and if he had limited use of his phone. To spend a couple of hours in is room each day would be acceptable.
It is a waste of money to allow him on his phone; I would limit the hours of phone use for all of you. Lock them in the safe.

Book activities each day like snorkling, skiing, surfing etc not necessarily all together but have conversations and plan for your son to see cultural aspects, history, food, jungle, animals etc,
Next holiday expect him to participate in some of the planning and indicate to him that staying in his room all day or on his phone is not on. How is he to develop normal meet and greet social skills?

FromNowOn23 · 16/07/2023 09:00

I wouldn’t take him any more. Are you sure he actually wants to go? I stopped wanting to go on family holidays when I was about 14 and I used to stay with my Nan or a friend.

MissPop · 16/07/2023 09:00

It is normal. I did something similar at 15. I didn’t want to be there and it didn’t matter how expensive or luxurious the holiday was. I didn’t want to spend ALL of that time with my parents. I was very rude throughout and even refused to go to dinner with them and sat inside the hotel eating coco pops.

They never took me away again.

At 19 I asked if I could go on holiday with them again. They refused 😂.

TheModHatter · 16/07/2023 09:03

It doesn’t sound as if his staying in his room interfered with what you wanted to do.

And I wouldn’t go all the way to Vietnam for a mainly beach hol.

Best to chat to him about what he would most like to do and see if it is compatible with your ideas.

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 09:03

user1492757084 · 16/07/2023 08:58

I think your DSS would join in if the holiday were to be more adventurous and if he had limited use of his phone. To spend a couple of hours in is room each day would be acceptable.
It is a waste of money to allow him on his phone; I would limit the hours of phone use for all of you. Lock them in the safe.

Book activities each day like snorkling, skiing, surfing etc not necessarily all together but have conversations and plan for your son to see cultural aspects, history, food, jungle, animals etc,
Next holiday expect him to participate in some of the planning and indicate to him that staying in his room all day or on his phone is not on. How is he to develop normal meet and greet social skills?

Well it kind of depends what you think is the purpose of a holiday. What you have described sounds exhausting for everyone, a holiday to me is not some sort of self improvement camp.

Far better to have some genuinely enjoyable day excursions and meals together, than forcing everyone to be something they are not.

I'm knackered from work and whilst I enjoy doing things, holidays are also good to recharge the batteries with a bit of gentle mumsnetting and relaxation. Unless I'm skiing which is different altogether.

Goodengine · 16/07/2023 09:05

Ours was the same, either in the room or sat next to the ice cream fridge near the bar. His phone never left his hand for the week hardly said a word to us the whole time.
On the way home he declared it was the best holiday ever !
Older teenagers just have a different opinion on what fun is so I wouldn't worry!

Dylanesque · 16/07/2023 09:07

It sounds normal. Most photos of my then 15-year-old DD on holiday in Greece show her with the most surliest face imaginable. But agree with other posters. Let him have some input into what kind of holiday he would enjoy

katepilar · 16/07/2023 09:08

Did he seem to enjoy the holiday? What did he say about the trip? Would he prefer to stay at home/do something else than coming with you? Sounds like he has a different idea of how to spend a holiday then you do, which is fine imo.

YukoandHiro · 16/07/2023 09:10

I don't have teens yet so following this with interest. But I do think things have changed a lot. My parents would have absolutely hit the roof if I'd been on a holiday with them and done my own thing. I was (am) an only child but even so. I do understand OP's frustration.
The only thing is if you leave them at home they'll have a house party. So... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lovemusic33 · 16/07/2023 09:11

Totally normal teen behaviour….or it is for one of my teens. It used to drive me nuts, take them on holiday and then they spend most of it in their room doing what they could do at home, moaning occasionally when you try and get them to join in with something. Dd has been like this since she was 12, she’s now 19 and still the same.

GeekyThings · 16/07/2023 09:13

It sounds like he liked some parts of the holiday (island trips and nights out) but not the spa resort parts (gym and swimming pool). Which is fine, I personally would dislike those parts too! Much as you're thinking it's a waste of money to take him there to sit in a hotel room, he may be thinking similarly to me that what you're doing there is a massive waste of money because you could do the same in this country or a cheaper destination for a couple of hundred quid, so what's the point in paying to go all the way over there to do it?

When I've been away in groups I accept that we're going to like and dislike different things, we're different people. So long as we're all happy to go away then it doesn't matter if one person wants to sit by a pool and another wants to visit a museum, or just hang out in the hotel room.

If you're really concerned about him not feeling included then maybe you need to think about doing more of the things he seems to enjoy - excursions to go and see things rather than hanging around in a gym that could be any gym anywhere, for example. Even though he's 16 he's still a child, and most people when they go away do tailor things around their children.

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 09:13

We left DS17 at home when we went to Florence recently. Didn't have a party as most of his friends at private school are richer than we are and apparently our <perfectly nice 4 bed detached home> is too small and smells of dog to have people over. Win win !

However I think he felt left out so after saying he didn't want to go away with us again he's now very enthusiastic about Tenerife in October with his pal along. It was actually cheaper to bring 4 rather than 3 , weirdly.

Ylvamoon · 16/07/2023 09:14

What exactly did you expect him to do?

I assume you stayed in a hotel complex AI... and did some day trips, which he attended.
So the rest of the time he could really do as he pleased = on his phone.

mangochops · 16/07/2023 09:15

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 09:03

Well it kind of depends what you think is the purpose of a holiday. What you have described sounds exhausting for everyone, a holiday to me is not some sort of self improvement camp.

Far better to have some genuinely enjoyable day excursions and meals together, than forcing everyone to be something they are not.

I'm knackered from work and whilst I enjoy doing things, holidays are also good to recharge the batteries with a bit of gentle mumsnetting and relaxation. Unless I'm skiing which is different altogether.

Show quote history

I agree with this. A holiday doing activities every single day sounds like hell to me. I have my own business and work really hard- on holiday I just want to chill and relax too and would not be up for a very active holiday either. I also dont go on holiday to develop social skills, for me, its about relaxation and winding down, shutting off my overactive brain. His behaviour is completely normal to me.

BluNomad · 16/07/2023 09:18

Just don’t take him, miserable kid, you should spend your money on lovely holidays but not on him tbh I wouldn’t take a 16yo with me anyway they’re always moody & surly.

Wheresthebeach · 16/07/2023 09:18

Sounds absolutely fine to me. You can’t expect him to be glued to your side.

Totaly · 16/07/2023 09:19

Haven’t been with mine since they were 14

They are all over 18 now and have booked and paid for their own holidays with friends.

Either ask him if he wants a differ t holiday or if he wants the same

DD holidayed with an ex boyfriend and his parents a couple of years ago and said it was the dullest holiday ever as she’s used to being near water parks, days out etc which they never did -

What does his mother do on holidays with him?

vcfhmj · 16/07/2023 09:19

It's normal. I was the same on holiday at that age. Much happier to chill in my room alone.