DSS's behaviour on holiday, is this a usual teen?

[Hop27]

DSS is nearly 16, last year we did a big holiday to Thailand. Asked if he wanted to bring a friend, he has previously on short haul, but he said no. He was so excited for the holiday, but once we got there he literally never left his room in daylight. Came with us on island trips etc, and out at night but literally had one swim in the pool and rarely interacted with us. Yes I get it adults are boring.
We had a room each and he spent ALL day with the aircon on and on his phone. Rarely joined us for breakfast, wouldn't come to the gym with us, would occasionally join us for lunch - but then would go back to his room to 'chill' until evening.
We only have a couple more years of holidays with him, do we risk Asia again this year or just have a couple of long weekends somewhere?
It's a lot of money for DSS to spend the whole trip in his room (at least he is getting value for money in room occupancy) or is this just typical teen behaviour. DH and I need a holiday thinking 3 nights city, 10/12 nights beach either Vietnam or Malaysia. Or do we need to do more to involve DSS? Or should we just be happy that he is with us?

@MissPop

lol good for them!
you were old enough to know better

Sounds normal but an extreme waste of money

in future i’d ask him for input on where he wanted to go. And save the luxurious sounding resort holidays for when he is away at uni. I def would not spend thousands on bringing a teen who’d spend the whole time sitting in his room whether he was happy or not. Otoh although our kids are younger I feel it pays to basically plan trips around what they want to do rather than what we want to do.

The last holiday we took with teen DD was a safari in Kenya. No opportunities for sitting alone in the room then (tbf, it was before the days of mobiles) as we were on the road animal spotting nearly all day every day, up early. It was a fantastic holiday and she really loved it.

One of my DCs did this for a few years, he didn’t like beaches (but tolerated them now he’s realised his friends actually like going to the beach). I think it was a rebellion thing because I love the beach.

I think it’s a phase they go through but they come out the other side.

I'd see if he was happy to be left at home while you do your holiday and do short breaks focused on his enjoynents throughout year. E.g. How many theme parks in Europe can you get to before he turns 18?How many cities can you visit in Europe? Or visit European Center Parcs which have lots of activities? 2/3 nights with mum and dad are far more tolerable than 10 days. Being away from friendship groups at that age is difficult.

Ask him what he wants to do. Friend insisted her kids accompanied them on many varied holidays abroad throughout their childhoods and teen years. Now adult, she says what they remember most of is how good, or not, the water sports were. Culture, food, charming locals, world heritage sites? Shrug. Don't remember.

Totally normal teenage behaviour. Either take him with you knowing that or leave him behind.

I stopped going on holiday with my parents at 16.

Started going on holiday with them again in my 30s.

From your posts he has gone on trips with you and socialised in the evening, just not much in the day (unless on a trip). I think that's fine. Perhaps make sure you do a few more trips next time. Ask him where he'd like to go and what he'd like to do (before you book anywhere).

I think teens can enjoy things their own way. We had a holiday a year ago, no pressure on DS (19) to come. He wanted to come, didn't go in the villa pool or sea once, didn't seem that engaged. Has since twice he really enjoyed it and he'd like to go back. From that I learnt (1) his way of enjoying may not be my way and (2) take the time and spend it with him while he still wants to be with us!

I found the level of engagement I got from mine was far less about the destination, activities and quality of company we offered, and far more about what happened to be going on in their personal life at the time. Years when there was a BF/GF at home manifested in high levels of room time and disinterest in much outside of their phone. At that age the family stuff is very much a back drop to their 'real' life. Next year (next week even) could be entirely different.

I think if you want to involve him you choose a holiday where he would want to bring a mate or where he can make friends? You can save the adult focused long haul for when he is no longer coming with you.

Can't you do a camp europe holiday and he brings a friend and there will be loads of other teens?

I wouldn't take a teenager abroad to just spend the holiday in their room - but in fairness at that age I would have found that incredibly dull and would have spent my entire time reading books.

When mine were this age all holidays were planned around their needs, not mine.
Same here. Also we had two DS very close in age so they did stuff together.
I think your idea of a friend is key. Did you offer to pay for the friend? I did that when mine were older and one was unavailable.
Essentially though, the holiday was planned around the DC and what suited them. We had 20 years of holidays just the two of us and many more since DC grew up, it's only a few years when they are children so I was happy to fit in with them.

As a pp said it was all about the pool and water sports for them, closely followed by the food.

Sounds pretty normal to be fair.

A theme park is usually enough to get teens off their phones. This is why we did Florida holidays with ours because otherwise they're just in room socialising on various social media/gaming platforms.

It's a different way of having fun I suppose but agree it does seems wasteful when you're in paradise for a short time. Each to their own though.

Try to avoid judgement that they're having fun wrong because it's different to what you enjoy and be grateful that they're occupied and happy so you're free to please yourself in your own way too.

Mine didn't do that at that age but that's because we took them on holidays that involved us travelling around to different places. Prior to that we did a lot of resort/ all inclusive holidays (not my favourite thing) because they joined in the kids club activities or made friends in the pool or bar areas. I do think it helps to consider what the teen might actually enjoy.

Last year they asked to go all inclusive again (teen plus early 20s) and they made friends at the pool and went to the bar with them in the evenings.

Having said that we have been on holidays where one stayed in her room whenever she could to talk to her boyfriend on the phone and refused to join most of our excursions. But she always came to eat every meal with us. TBH it was better than having to drag someone around who was totally unenthused about everything.

What's the point of going to Thailand to spend it by the pool in a hotel anyway? And those organised group excursions are like a living hell as well.

Maybe if you did something interesting on your holiday he'd be more engaged? Use the hotel as a base, hire a car, explore city back streets, museums and art galleries, local restaurants, boat trips, water sports like scuba diving, snorkelling, jet skiing etc. Go see some local entertainment- a play, dancing or music, find archaeological sights to explore, go walking in the mountains, find a remote beach to swim and dive off the rocks, etc.

I would ask him where he wants to go. Let him come up with some ideas for a weekend or longer. Guide him how to research places and then plan the trip. Even if it's not what you would choose this is a short term issue and you have a chance to make great memories with him if you engage on his terms.

Alternatively, do you ski? That seems to be the most robust way of engaging teenagers in family holidays for longer

My answer would be to involve him in the planning stages. You may be going to places he has no interest in?

For any parents reading with younger children, not all teenagers are moody and surly.

I do agree with the PPs that say if you want the best engagement then you have to think of what they want from a holiday (and adapt as needed, poor PP with the lovely adults only area, if she hadn't have booked that sod law says the dc would have spent the whole time in his room)

Ultimately OP what did DSS say about the holiday, does he want to come again.

It's not really clear what you expected him to do with you that he didn't. other than going to the gym, what did you do when not on excursions or in the evening and why is it better than what he chose to do?

He's not a child, so he won't behave as he used to.

He's not an adult so he won't behave as you do.

He's a teen. His brain's in a different and evolving stage of development.

His social circle are quite naturally the centre of his attention right now, and he interacts with them by phone.

He may be a bit shy of mixing and socialising, or being seen in swimming trunks. He may not know what to say to you. Yet.

He'll come back when he's older and you'll have the opportunity for adult/adult trips as I do with mum.

It's normal.

The last couple of holidays my DS came in with me aged 14/15 he slept til midday, sat in the shade when he did eventually get up and was monosyllabic. Then came to life in the evening, ate a carb fest every night and was full of life only for the cycle to repeat the next day.

Tbh I actually enjoyed those few hours kind the pool on my own headphones in zoned out from the world and being able to chat to other adults over breakfast.

No way would I be spending money for my child to be on their phone all day! I never understand why parents cannot take the phone away! Ridiculous!

“he literally never left his room in daylight. Came with us on island trips etc, and out at night but literally had one swim in the pool and rarely interacted with us. Yes I get it adults are boring.
We had a room each and he spent ALL day with the aircon on and on his phone. Rarely joined us for breakfast, wouldn't come to the gym with us, would occasionally join us for lunch “

So he didn’t “literally” never leave his room then? 🤷🏻‍♀️

You obviously have money to afford this if you’re offering to bring a friend, so why not just plan the holiday you obviously want to do, and leave him to it? Different if you compromised on a holiday that was more for him and then he didn’t fully participate. But this is what you want to do - so do it. And don’t exaggerate about what he does or doesn’t do.

We are 60s too but have often holidayed with DD who is now 27. Not every holiday, or even every year, sometimes she prefers to go away with friends instead. But we get on well and enjoy similar things so we still have fun together.

We all enjoy walking and for a few years we have done a weeks self guided hotel to hotel walking followed by a week in a rented cottage or apartment. Sometimes she has joined us for the whole thing and sometimes she has flown out and joined us for the last week.

This year she hasn't holidayed with us as she is saving up for a big holiday with friends but I hope there will be breaks away other years.

Yeah Op you should have based it all around what he wants to do! Every minute of every day!

honestly this lad has just been to Thailand! He is incredibly privileged. Some of us never went abroad as kids, it was only when we were adults with jobs and could pay for it that we got to go. Some of us had to make do with a week in Skegness once a year. He’s lucky and should think himself so.

Most teens don’t fancy going to the gym or lounging by the pool on their holidays.

You say he attends the day trips so why not do more things like that and actually see the country, instead of just the hotel.

If you’re staying at the hotel to do things then if there’s nothing for him to do then he is of course going to end up back in his room.
Swimming in a pool by yourself is not very fun.

Have you asked him if there’s anything he’d like to do?

I have 1 child and couldn’t go on a holiday without activities as they’d be bored out of their minds.

Is there anything that he can get involved in without you both there?
Like a teen meet up club or some activities.