Is there anyone who hasn't found having children that bad?

[Addictedtocinammonrolls]

I'm 32, all I hear is how people regret it, how hard it is, they haven't slept well in years, their looks and figure are ruined, finances and relationships ruined and so on .
I am really on the fence about it. If I were to have any I'd only ever have one I think.. I like my current life, I just really don't know. I'm not expecting it to be a piece of cake but so many people seem to regret it.

Having a child is a personal decision

No it isn’t.

There is an element of luck to it as well.

In fact my first born wasn’t a decision, more a happy accident.

Also, there is an element of appropriation. Child free used to mean that couple of hours here and there when the kids started nursery or a relative came to help out. Suddenly on mumsnet it has been appropriated by people who have no intention to have children and seem to want to proselytise about it.

a bit, but still nobody's business.

What an odd comment. Childfree has been used as a way of expressing personal choice for decades, it didn’t start on MN and it certainly isn’t appropriation.

Parents can still use it and have it be perfectly understood that they are without their kids for a weekend. Nobody is going to assume that they are people who have chosen to have kids if they do in fact have kids.

I’ve never found that the label is forcibly applied to people who cannot have kids despite wanting to, and who are childless. It’s used by those who understand what it means and how it reflects their circumstances. Some of us do fall into both camps but that’s a matter of personal definition.

The term isn’t intended to denigrate women who’ve had kids - its purpose is to help distinguish between types of people without kids, as for some there is intense pain whereas for others it’s a wonderful choice that they’ve made.

I have enjoyed every stage with my DTs. They are now independent adults with great careers and are my favourite people to spend time with.

I don't regret my children but I regret who I had them with, their dad is useless.

Definitely this! I sometimes think if I could have had them with current DP it might have been better.

This is adorable 🥰

this sounds like ana amazing idea.. how did you do it ? What timings?

also did you bottle feed from newborn?

thanks

We did this too. For example DH would do 8-midnight and I’d sleep, and then we’d swap midnight-8am. Or whatever worked for work schedule, baby schedule etc. Definitely got us through! DS1 was combi fed from birth, DS2 bottle fed from day 3 ish, DD breast fed for about 6 weeks with some bottle top ups. So always worked for us to schedule like that.

Or if breastfeeding, learn to feed lying down.

My take on this isn't that most people regret having kids, it's more that most people are quite taken about when they have kids as to how little they understood about the downsides of having kids.

Motherhood is painted in general as an unequivocal positive. The majority of women want to have children, some because it's a deep seated biological urge and some because it's the default. Its presented as a logical step. Many women grow up thinking that it will make them happy because society tends to indoctrinate them into thinking its the only "real" way for a woman to achieve happiness.

They are therefore quite shocked when they have kids and realise that it's much harder work than they expected, they (usually) don't get enough help from their spouse, their career often suffers, their social life certainly suffers, they are tired and sometimes bored for long periods of their life and everything is like wading through treacle.

It's the dissonance between the lovely rosy way it is painted to you when you're growing up and the humdrum, hard reality you experience as a mother, particularly to small children. It's possible both to love your children and to find the day to day business of being a mother to them exhausting and boring (at least sometimes).

Does this mean more women regret it than don't? I don't think so. I think on balance most people overall see having children as a net positive and come to feel very grateful over time. But I think a lot of women at least some of the time feel that a lot of the negatives were very glossed over.

I have two children, 7 and 8 - second one wasn't planned. That's not to say I wouldn't have had a second, just that it happened a lot sooner than we had planned. Now, I think this is a hard question to answer because of several things - one being that each age brings different challenges, and some are far easier than others, so if you asked me at 4 & 5 I'd have said absolutely, do it! Ask me today at 7 & 8 and I'd say run for the hills and don't look back. Next year the answer will be different again I have no doubt. What I can tell you is that parenting is like that old analogy where you can put frogs in cold water and gradually boil it and the frogs don't jump out because they don't realise they're boiling to death 😂 You start off and you think gosh this is tough, no sleep and children attached to you all the time. Then they hit the toddler stage and you think blimey, maybe newborns weren't so bad. Then they get to 4&5, start school and its all cute and lovely. Then they get older and you think shit, I'd happily go back to no sleep and maternity leave because juggling school, a full time job and a family is insanely hard, not to mention the attitude and asserting their 'independence'. Grief, its tough, not going to lie to you. However... then you have this thing that is just primitive where you just bloody love these little oiks so much that you'd die for them and watching them walk around is like watching your heart outside your body. The love is insane - but also terrifying.

Parenthood will age you, it will strip you financially, it will test your relationship like you never thought it would, it will give you many, many sleepless nights BUT it is also the most wonderful thing in the world and I am so glad I did it because now that I know how wonderful it is, I would be gutted for the me that missed out (even though I wouldn't have known). They don't come with a manual, you will never do right for doing wrong, the guilt is insane BUT when those little hands curl around yours or say 'mummy can I have a hug?' and you feel that warm little body squished up against you and you know you are the world to that little person... well, there's no feeling in the world like it.

Mine are 16 and 24 now. Both fabulous, funny and bright as toddlers. Teenage years were hell on earth. They’re both ND and have suffered bouts of very poor mental health. They drove me to tears regularly. On occasion I did think about driving my car, at speed into a wall. I have always loved them with every fibre of my being but at times did think about how easy my life would have been without them. I’m enjoying being their mum again now they’re older.

Mine are 5 and almost 2 and I love every fibre of their being. I wasn't super keen on kids if I'm really honest but I am so unbelievably glad we did have them - they're brilliant although extremely hard work. I can't wait to see what they do next and who they grow up to be.

Everyone experiences are different.

Newborn - wonderful.
Baby - wonderful.
Toddler - challenging at times but wonderful.
Infant and junior school age- wonderful.
Preteen - challenging but wonderful.
Teenage years - challenging.
Adults - wonderful.

It depends on your expectations. I always wanted kids so the finance and freedom side don't bother me. I wouldn't want to spend my time and money on anything else, really.
However, although I was fairly confident I would love motherhood, I was not prepared for how much I would love it.
Being an adult is hard. Paying bills and going to work is hard. But having a good reason to do it makes it easier for me.
If I didn't have kids I would want lots of adventures and travel. But I would rather have kids, no matter the cost.
I feel veey lucky, busy, fulfilled, tired, podgy.and happier than I could ever have imagined. My kids are primary aged now.

@DrJoanAllenby - you're so right that it can very hugely! I found the newborn stage punishing with a colicky baby. Now I have a toddler and I love almost every moment.

For me
1 baby- Fine
Baby and toddler- Really hard
Then gradually got easier and I'm enjoying the teenage year. (Dds 17 and 19)

Yes - me. In fact found it so much easier than I expected.
Went from adamant I didn't want any to on the fence to give me one NOW
He slotted perfectly into our lives despite the fact that we have absolutely no support network, childcare etc (both only children, parents live abroad / passed away, all our friends started much earlier and have teens).

However

1. very easy baby and still an easy toddler (well as toddlers go)
2. had a dog for 10 years previously - best training ever as he was a demon but also the love of my life
3. been with my partner for 13 years before the child appeared so we knew each other inside out, I will never understand how people have the courage to have babies 1 year into a relationship
4. share all tasks child and non child related 50/50 with my partner
5. didn't set myself up to be a martyr or die on any pointless hills
6. one and done

I have 4. Without a doubt my children are the best experience of my life.

I've loved every stage of being a parent (except pregnancy - I had hyperemesis)

Me. They are adults now and my favourite people in the world. The best years of my life were when they were small. They are the best thing I've ever done in my life. When I think how my life would be without them, it is nowhere near as happy, joyful and content as it is now. I have spent all the years since I had them listening to other people complain about their kids and keeping quiet so I didn't seem contrary or smug. I imagine lots of people do that tbh.

It depends on the child...you can be lucky or unlucky.....

I never regretted having mine. And contrary to what I often read on MN, it’s not a given that teens are a nightmare. My Dds never were.