Is there anyone who hasn't found having children that bad?

[Addictedtocinammonrolls]

I'm 32, all I hear is how people regret it, how hard it is, they haven't slept well in years, their looks and figure are ruined, finances and relationships ruined and so on .
I am really on the fence about it. If I were to have any I'd only ever have one I think.. I like my current life, I just really don't know. I'm not expecting it to be a piece of cake but so many people seem to regret it.

Disagree on what?

Some are childless
Some are childfree

Under your weird thoughts neither should be welcome on a parenting board.

It is not offensive to be happily child free. Nor is it offensive for a woman to end a pregnancy.

We get parents posting on the Childfree Board too not realising where they are.

I go into my settings and hide the child free board. I wish that those people who choose not to have children would hide the parenting and all other boards which are not for them too.

Now that is offensive

Why?

Why on Earth would people who consciously choose not to be parents want to post on the parenting board? It makes no sense. Obviously people who are TTC or did not choose to not be parents don’t count as “choosing not to have children”.

I was quite on the fence about children. I doubt we would have sought out assistance had it not happened naturally. I was very career driven and had a happy life with DH. I got pregnant with DD1 when I was 34, as soon as we started trying. I was pleased and excited but didn’t expect it to define me. Worked till 4 days before my due date.

When DD1 arrived it was absolutely overwhelming; love like nothing I had ever imagined. The drive to have a second and then a third child was very strong. DH felt just the same.

I was fortunate to find the early years quite easy. DD1 was 3 when DD2 was born and 10 when DS was born. So not small she gaps. I recall feeling blissfully happy in those early years. I carried on working. And love my job. But the children were/are the light of my life. DH and I are united in that.

The teenage years were harder for us than the baby years. Largely because DD1 developed life threatening anorexia (for which she was hospitalised) and partly as a reaction to this stress DD2 developed severe OCD. They are both doing really well now. We feel we have weathered quite a big storm together.

Other than wishing they had not been unwell, I would not change a thing. Having them has been a joy and a privilege. I have a strong sense of being a mother. They are 22, 19 and 12 now.

There are other paths to fulfilment though. Two of my closest friends are blissfully childless. One has a mega mega job, the other travels all over the world with her husband and has masses of hobbies.

of course infertility is a thing, and the heartache that goes with it. But frankly, it's no one business. There are only 2 reasons why people don't have kids, because they can't, or they don't want to.

There's nothing offensive as not questioning why someone doesn't have kids, nothing offensive as not judging or commenting.

if they want to call themselves childless, and make it known they are going through infertility, then it's up to them.

We still need to make judgement about childfree people/couple.

For me it wasn't as bad as I thought, but I have two boys who both slept through from about 8 weeks and who never cried much- that's just luck though, nothing to do with my parenting.

Pretty much how I feel. ❤

It's amazing and 100% worth it, a lot of issues these days arise because of parenting. I look at lots of my DC's friends and they are very irritating and demand to be the centre of attention all the time, are fussy especially about food and activities. Children these days are very pampered and entertainment is laid on for them, parents don't always encorage resourcefulness and independence.

I'm not saying mine are perfect buy other parents always say they are easy, they eat everything, they just get on with it, they are polite and if we go somewhere and there is nothing for them they read or make up their own game. But, we never went particularly out of our way to go to child friendly places or focus all our spare time on them we did what we wanted and they came too.

Yeah hormonal contraception affects who you find attractive and how you feel about pregnancy.

There are women who come off the pill to start trying for a baby and find that they no longer find their partner attractive 😅 this is because who we think (our bodies think) is a good stud is not necessarily who is a good father/partner. It's also based on pheromones, you might have seen the experiment with women sniffing t-shirts? When you're on hormonal contraception your body thinks it's pregnant already and seeks out a good provider.

I've never been on hormonal contraception and at some point I felt this intense need to be pregnant, it was all I could think about for 2 weeks out of the month. It was clear that it was hormone-driven. I didn't give much weight to things like my freedom or money 😊

Whereas if you're on the pill etc your body's natural hormone cycles and the urges this brings are suppressed, so you're thinking rationally about holidays or your career etc.

It's not just about having babies, your natural sex drive is suppressed.

I do think that all women should have a detox from the pill at least once and see how they really feel about everything.

when YOU call someone else childLESS, you imply they are missing something. That's offensive.

ChildFree just means they don't have kids, and it's no-one business to hazard guesses as why they don't.

I love my two, and it isn’t all bad and gets better as they get older.

But if I had known what parenting would be truly like I wouldn’t have done it. I’m not a natural mother, I love my life away from them. I have 50/50 custody with their dad now, and I absolutely love the time when they are with him.

One of mine is autistic and finds life very challenging, so life has been more stressful in that sense.

People love to be martyrs.
Have kids if you really want to. DON'T have kids if you see it as a stage that you should go through because it is hard but for me the best thing I ever did.

@TheBeesKnee thanks, that's actually really interesting. I will read some more

DS is only 21 months but is the best thing to have ever happened to me and DH. Not a single thought of regret has ever crossed our minds. Yes some days are hard of course, but the good massively outweighs the bad. They aren't all terrible sleepers, DS has always slept brilliantly since being 2 months old. He is a hand ful, but really does complete us. I don't really know anyone that has said they regret having their children.

It’s hard work, of course it is. You’re raising a young human being to be a healthy member of society.

it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Watching these kids grow into awesome kind, caring human beings with dreams and desires and great sense of humour. It’s so filled with joy.

Only you can decide what you want, but if you’re on the fence I’m not sure you’re in the right place.

I wish I’d been more logical. Both mine were conceived when I wasn’t on hormonal contraception (and hadn’t been for years). I had a very strong urge to a second child. Rationally we should have stuck to one or none.

Rationally I am not suited to motherhood, I get very irritated by the constant demands, I miss my personal space, I mourn the loss of travel, career etc.

A lot of this is frozen having a child with SEND, so I can’t just take them on city breaks with me, and a lack of childcare for SEND and now school provision has significantly effected my career (and their dad’s btw).

My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. The love you can feel for another person is impossible to understand until you have your own children.

BUT…Even at 18, he costs me a fortune, is an endless source of worry (and he is a good boy!) I worry about his exams, his safety, driving etc. When he was little, I worried about illnesses, accidents, choking etc. You never stop worrying about them. There can be arguments like you wouldn’t believe.
You have to come second - you’ll give up new clothes and shoes to afford things for them. You’ll go out far less, because you need to be home for them and probably can’t afford it anymore.

If your relationship with the dad isn’t extremely strong, having children will destroy it completely, as the responsibility is massive.

But, it can also be wonderful and I wouldn’t change things for the world - although it’s telling that I stopped at one 😆

There are clearly different perspectives on this. You wouldn’t call someone homeless “home free”, although you might get a flaneur, globe-trotter who would describe themselves that way. Thinking of the people I know who don’t have children and would prefer to, I think they would be hurt if I described them as ‘child free’ in the same way it would hurt a homeless person to call them ‘home-free’. It would suggest I am trying to reframe their pain and misfortune as a choice and a positive for them. Really insensitive and dismissive. In fact I know people, well women mainly, who have been met with such insensitivity about not being able to have children, as though ‘you can’t miss what you’ve never had’, yet the vibe I get off them is similar to women who have had still births. It is genuine grief. These women are missing something, someone they’ve never met. It don’t think there’s any shame in acknowledging it. I have even known a woman say “I wasn’t able to have my babies”. And the way she put it, I really saw her as a mother who had been bereaved of her children. I wouldn’t call her ‘child free’ like I wouldn’t call a widow ‘spouse-free’ or an orphan ‘parent-free’.

I have two ages 3 & 1
I don't find it bad, it's enjoyable and yes it's tough at times, your relationship changes and you have new challenges to overcome but the day to day of it is fine. (Aware I've not experienced teenage years yet!)

The biggest challenge for us is lack of family support and the cost of childcare. But obviously that's down to our individual situation.

If it wasn't for finances we would have a 3rd but as things stand we won't x

As I said above they probably didn’t know they were posting there. Threads on the Childfree board often show up in Active but it’s not clear what board they are on. We’ve had parents posting on the childfree board too.

The division between childfree and childless is not as clear cut as some imagine. DH and I were unable to have children. We mourned that, and went on to build a lovely life together without children which we really enjoy. Largely thanks to not having children I was able to take early retirement. We are financially secure and enjoy fantastic holidays. We feel more childfree than childless now.

I obviously feel deeply for those who are struggling with infertility but honestly it does get better.

except it'a bad comparison.

It's pretty obvious all (or nearly all) people are not homeless by choice, or widow by choice, or find anything remotely positive in having lost their parents.

Having a child is a personal decision, and there's no right or wrong, not deserving of judgment or comment.

There's no shame in infertility or baby loss, there's just pain, but it's nobody's business. The last thing people with infertility want is to even discuss their private life!

Some women find it helpful to talk about their still birth, others can't think of anything worst than having to deal with people commenting on it.

If you don't want to call people struggling with infertility "child-free", what else do you suggest?

Because a generic "child-less" is offensive to those who don't want them, implying they are missing something or doing something wrong.

That's a work place failing though, it doesn't have to be like that. I am am mum but lead a big team and treat everyone equally when it comes to leave and working flexibly. Many of my team work flexibly to spend time with Pets/enjoy a hobby/care for their parents or grandchildren or just because that's how they like to work. It's much better than only letting parents /mums work flexibly.