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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Carlosi456 · 16/07/2023 19:34

Riding stables routinely require weight and height to match riders to horses.
This is for welfare and safety.

Poppins2016 · 16/07/2023 19:40

I find it bizarre that the mother and daughter seem so ignorant... I learnt to ride in order to go hacking in different locations and the first thing I'm asked whenever I book is what my height and weight are. It's basic horse riding common sense.

CurlewKate · 16/07/2023 19:42

You should have mentioned the weight limit much earlier in the process. Connemaras are weight bearers, so they probably thought it was OK. But you didn't fat shame them if you were polite.

AIBot · 16/07/2023 19:46

Some people are ridiculous. Have you found anyone to loan your horse yet?

If not, I would re-run the ad on social media, with the title:

Re-advertised due to time wasters

And I would add below.

Please note that the rider weight limit for this horse is …. Or words to that effect. I hope you find someone suitable.

Hmm1234 · 16/07/2023 19:46

I don’t think you did anything wrong it even says on some riding schools website you can’t be over X stone to ride their horses.

ehb102 · 16/07/2023 19:49

Speaking as a very heavy individual, no, you did not fat shame them. This is why I don't ride. Horses have weight limits and you don't just break them, you hurt them. Good for you for protecting your horse.

JudgeRudy · 16/07/2023 19:52

You haven't fat shamed them. You've pointed out that theyre far too heavy for your horse.
Tbh, it doesn't sound like there was any shame involved for them. Fat enraged sounds more accurate. I wouldn't normally get involved in social media slanging matches but in this case I would. Id state exactly what happened eg I had a X for sale and the swl is Ykg. When they arrived I suspected they were over Ykg and they confirmed that they were. I told them my x was unsuitable for their needs and they became abusive when I refused to sell them my x knowing they would likely be putting her at risk. It really is as simple as that.
I'd also take screen shots etc and inform them that if ghey continue to post slanderous stuff you will consider this harassment and take action. I go as far as a court order if needed though I'd guess it'll die down. I wouldn't be surprised if their media posts back fire and the trolls surface...then they'll know what fat shaming is!

moaningmyrtle4 · 16/07/2023 19:52

When I read the title I thought oh no, never comment on weight. But in this case the safety and well-being of the horse is paramount. Just like at a theme park you need to be certain height. For this you need to be under a certain weight. It is what it is and they should understand.

ConnieTucker · 16/07/2023 19:55

Poppins2016 · 16/07/2023 19:40

I find it bizarre that the mother and daughter seem so ignorant... I learnt to ride in order to go hacking in different locations and the first thing I'm asked whenever I book is what my height and weight are. It's basic horse riding common sense.

i thought entitled rather than ignorant

Flippingnora100 · 16/07/2023 19:55

I would reply and explain that you didn’t intend for any hurt feelings, but that the horse has a non-negotiable weight limit for its own safety.

I used to organize activities for teenagers for a charity and I remember a horse riding activity. One of the parents approached me and asked if her daughter weighed too much at 16 stone. I checked and she did. They completely understood.

I understand it must be horrible to be told you are too heavy for something, but at the same time, it’s the unfortunate truth in this case. It’s on them to accept it.

Laterstarter · 16/07/2023 19:57

I’m a horse vet… there are far far too many people riding horses that they are too heavy for. It’s a welfare concern and you are 100% right to say what you said.

Not fat shaming at all.

honestly some people just look for a reason to be offended. Facebook just gives them a platform. Def ignore it!

Coffeeebean · 16/07/2023 19:58

You did absolutely nothing wrong. They sound nuts.

This isnt discrimination by any means! Horses have weight limits. Fact.

Also, its your horse...you can say no without any reason whatsoever if you so choose. Explain your side on social media if you are worried for your reputation but otherwise block and ignore.

Good luck with your hunt, getting a good sharer can be such a nightmare!

Mouk · 16/07/2023 20:00

You absolutely are in the right. You are looking out for your horse.

Block them.

MyNDfamily · 16/07/2023 20:01

I don't know anything about horses. I'm not a horse person at all. I'm an animal lover though. You are not being unreasonable at all. Why would these people want to ride a horse that they are to heavy for, and risk hurting that horse.

I don't see what else you could have done, you were on the spot. You had to protect the horse. You'd be far more unreasonable to let the horse come to harm just to save these people's embarrassment.

They sound like real nasty bullies spreading this all over social media. I would just clearly state the facts on any response.

I'm overweight, I know I am. I wouldn't feel something like this was fat shaming, it's just a fact at the end of the day. If you weigh too much for an activity, you weigh too much, no ones fault. If I felt secretly embarrassed, I'd try and keep it that way, not tell the world!

Try to let it go OP, you don't deserve to be upset. Xx

SoftSheen · 16/07/2023 20:01

It's perfectly reasonable to discriminate on the grounds of weight in these specific circumstances. They sound like awful people anyway. Well done for putting your horse first.

Zaraminta · 16/07/2023 20:01

Vaguely horsey person here. Or I was when I was younger.

Riders are matched to their horses not just by experience/temperament but by size (height and weight), for the safety of both. It's unwise to ride a horse you've outgrown, by height or weight. Horses stumble and fall sometimes. It's a risky sport, why make it more so?

MissBPotter · 16/07/2023 20:03

They sound horrific! I’m currently 11.5 stone (trying to lose two stone!!) and I am really unsure if I should do a pony trek with my kids on holiday next week as I know I’m overweight. Anyone who knows anything about horses knows this I’m by no means an expert!

Somersetlady · 16/07/2023 20:05

If I sat on a child's bike or chair, the chair or the bike will break.
I know I am too heavy for those things and that they are not built to carry my weight.
Horses don't break as obviously or instantly as a chair or a bike but there is damage and people need to realise this.
Is this fat-shaming? No!
It's simply having an awareness of the capability and capacity of the thing you're sitting on.
And having some compassion for the animals we claim to love.

EsmeSusanOgg · 16/07/2023 20:08

I (and a few friends) apparently confuse many stables by 1) being honest with our weights (I am 12.5 stone, another friend is just over 14 stone) and our experience (I say I'm novice, can trot canter but haven't galloped in years as I am rusty. My friend is intermediate, but actually is intermediate rather than novice upping her skill level). So many people lie. But it isn't worth it. You can hurt both the horse and yourself by claiming you are lighter than you are, or a more experienced rider than you are.

I'd be inclined to add the weight limit for riders to your ad @melonspritz - you'll get some people who like, but you need to do what is safest for your horse.

RiderGirl · 16/07/2023 20:08

Re run the advert and stipulate a strict weight limit. They sound like utter twats. There is so much focus on rider weight currently that no one in their right mind would back them up on FB if they are as big as you say.

There's no way I'd let an overweight person on my precious, fantastic horse. I'm a shade over 9 stone and she carries me easily, anything over about 11 stone, no way! (She's 15hh too)

Undisclosedlocation · 16/07/2023 20:16

Your horse is lucky to have you to advocate for them. You did nothing wrong.
in fact , given the total lack of regard these stupid people have for animal welfare, and how their only concern is for their own hurt feelings, I’d say she had a narrow escape from cruel idiots

FluffMagnet · 16/07/2023 20:17

Haven't read the whole thread, but good for you OP. Just as I thought the horse world was beginning to get somewhere tackling overweight riders on horses, suddenly tables flipped and the "be kind" message prioritised horse health and welfare. I recall regularly wincing as a fellow livery hefted herself aboard her 16.2 TB (who would, good bless him) adopt a splay legged bracelet position as she climbed the mounting block). I'm currently too heavy, in my view, for basically any horse, so I have stopped riding until I lose weight. Sadly on social media it seems taboo to mention horses have weight limits, so keep your head down until it blows over and find yourself a lovely loaner elsewhere.

Jeannie88 · 16/07/2023 20:18

You have absolutely looked after your horse's safety, legally and as a caring owner. No way could you let them go ahead with the deal, not fat shaming at all. They have been unreasonable and defensive, even merry go round horses have weight limits ffs! Their problem and presumptions, not yours. Just hope they don't find a reckless seller who lets them have a horse with less compassion than you to fulfill their whim. I'm a bit overweight and if I was in the same situation would humbly agree and completely understand the horse's welfare comes first. Honestly too many entitled moaners, so glad you stuck to your guns! X

Ohgollymolly · 16/07/2023 20:35

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong at all.

I think it proves they were slightly more novice/not actually horsey people after all.

ikno · 16/07/2023 20:43

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

I know nothing about horses either but I do have common sense. Obviously horses would have a limit to what they can carry on their back before injury is caused. Why wouldn’t an animal that’s susceptible to injury and unpredictable behaviour have a weight limit? Perhaps if someone uncomfortably heavy got on the horse, the horse might try and knock them off causing injury to the person too.