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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
DuesToTheDirt · 16/07/2023 20:47

Perhaps if someone uncomfortably heavy got on the horse, the horse might try and knock them off causing injury to the person too.

I was told once at a riding school that some years ago, when heavy people were less common and they didn't have weight rules in place, a heavy woman got on one of their horses for a ride - the horse lay down and refused to get up! Grin

Nanof8 · 16/07/2023 20:50

You didn't do anything wrong. There are other things where weight comes into play. My hubby has a small 2 seater plane and we have some friends that are unable to go flying with him now due to weight gain. He always asks adults their weight so he can make adjustments if necessary.

MrsRachelDanvers · 16/07/2023 20:51

That’s not fat shaming! It’s looking after your beloved horse! Please don’t let these nutters get you down-you did everything right.

Lovely13 · 16/07/2023 20:53

I wouldn’t want my horse to go to these people and would block them from all contact. There is a recommended weight ratio, think 20% rider to horse weight, including tack. A Connemara would also be less able to bear weight safely than say a Highlands. Hope you find your horse a better home. 🐴

hot2trotter · 16/07/2023 21:06

Apparently its not the "done thing" but surely adding 'max weight of....' to the listing would stop this happening. Makes zero sense not to.

Jacopo · 16/07/2023 21:11

This is the result of the recent normalisation of obesity.

pinkstripeycat · 16/07/2023 21:18

I am not horsey but even I know you can’t have a heavy person on a small horse. I googled the 2 horses you named and can clearly see a Connie is a small pony compared to a Clydesdale which is HUGE.

The fact that they had ridden horses but tried to loan yours means they aren’t bothered about your horse’s welfare. Can’t imagine the damage they’d cause to your pony. Doesn’t bare thinking about.

Good for you for speaking up OP.

Lots of things have weight limits for safety reasons. It’s not fat shaming and neither were you

Eloweeese · 16/07/2023 21:21

Well done you. My horse is a similar height and I'd never let anyone over 10st ride him.

ghostyslovesheets · 16/07/2023 21:21

I've never been to a riding school where I didn't have to register my weight/height - so they can match me with a suitable horse

YANBU OP - if the woman was 'experienced' she should know that you can hurt horses by putting someone too heavy on their backs

StellaJohanna · 16/07/2023 21:26

You did absolutely the right thing! You saved your pony from pain and injury from people who really ought to know better. I'm sick of seeing ponies with people on them who are far too heavy!

DuesToTheDirt · 16/07/2023 21:27

I've never been to a riding school where I didn't have to register my weight/height - so they can match me with a suitable horse.

You must be young! Back in the day they'd just eye you up, maybe ask how much riding you'd done, and pick a horse for you.

Startyabastard · 16/07/2023 21:30

I think they were quite possibly looking to project their hurt and anger out on to someone and that person happened to be you. They were probably looking to blame someone.

Littleladygeorge · 16/07/2023 21:33

I’ve been looking for a part time horse loan for my daughter and I would expect the advertiser to say on the advert, the max weight the pony is able to carry. Most of the ads I’ve looked at have done this. Might be worth putting the max rider weight in future.

Bellie710 · 16/07/2023 21:37

I have a friend who shares a pony with her daughter, the daughter probably weighs at most 8 stone the mum is much heavier and they both ride the same pony. Some people just have no idea.

Lilolil27 · 16/07/2023 21:49

No you did not fat shame them. If they had any real knowledge about horses then they would know that weight is absolutely imperative with regards to who rides them. I think although this has been a really unpleasant experience for you I think you’ve had a lucky escape & also your horse. Thank goodness they showed you who they really were straight away. Count yourself lucky you didn't get involved with them. Block them on all social media & totally ignore them. You did the right thing.

MouseMinge · 16/07/2023 22:12

They shamed themselves. I hadn't been riding for years until last year and the first thing that happened when I went to the school was they asked my weight so they'd know which horse to put me on. Given that they've been riding for ages, apparently, they know this. They'd have known in advance that your horse wasn't right for them but they pushed it anyway. What on earth were they thinking? That you'd be too embarrassed to say anything and let them ruin your horse?! You did the right thing and they're idiots at best.

Elly46 · 16/07/2023 22:18

Absolutely not BU. If they’re decent people they should
at least know about the 20% of the horses weight guide. Sounds a bit like they were out out for a joyride too. They don’t sound genuine horse people if they’re more interested in spending so much time roasting you for a decision that they shouldn’t have put you in a position of making in the first place. It’s horrid that you had to go through this but brilliant that you were straight with these people from the start.

Jom222 · 16/07/2023 22:21

I am morbidly obese (and actively losing weight finally) and tbh I’m always watching for people to treat me poorly re my weight but in this case you 100% were NOT fat shaming either of them. The health and safety of the animal are way above the right not to feel hurt by the reality that they’re both overweight.

If they actually cared about horses and riding the mother should have been frank and told you at the outset ‘hey I weigh xxx and daughter weighs xxx is this feasible?’

From the very very little I know about this even I’m aware that obese people can’t safely ride every horse. Christ I’ve almost broken a few rickety chairs in my day, I sure wouldn’t want to permanently hurt a horse with my fat ass.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/07/2023 22:24

hot2trotter · 16/07/2023 21:06

Apparently its not the "done thing" but surely adding 'max weight of....' to the listing would stop this happening. Makes zero sense not to.

She shouldn’t have had to. Most riding schools will register your weight to pair you with a suitable horse, so riders know the weight limit from the description of the horse.

ScottishWaylander · 16/07/2023 22:47

Louloulouenna · 15/07/2023 14:17

We loaned out a 15hh Connie and I’m afraid stipulated under 10 stone, yes a little heavier would probably be fine but we aware people tend to underestimate their weight.

I think this is becoming much more "the done thing" in horse circles.

People shouldn't be afraid to champion the health of their Equine friends.

newtoallthisshizzle · 16/07/2023 23:01

I remember a long time ago arranging riding lessons locally and being asked how much I weighed. They apologised for asking but explained why diplomatically and I completely understood why and understood it was the safety of the horse. They’re being unreasonable and are projecting onto you to save embarrassment. Ignore. Anyone who’s been around horses I’m sure will understand your stance too as the safety of horses is paramount.

AGoodDayForSomebodyElseToDie · 16/07/2023 23:03

Rosscameasdoody · 16/07/2023 22:24

She shouldn’t have had to. Most riding schools will register your weight to pair you with a suitable horse, so riders know the weight limit from the description of the horse.

Show quote history

To be entirely fair, there are chunky Connemaras and sporty, slender Connie’s, and the difference between the types has a significant effect on what they could reasonably carry. It’s normal and sensible to advertise with your chosen weight limit to avoid this situation.

The behaviour of these people after the OP said no, however, is completely unacceptable.

Henrietta70 · 16/07/2023 23:05

My teenage daughter is overweight. I feed her healthy food, but she very stubborn and won’t listen to me. I’m a slim size 12, and watch what I eat and fast.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. We have an obesity crisis going on in the UK.

The welfare of your horse is more important than these gobby fat cows.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/07/2023 23:09

Jacopo · 16/07/2023 21:11

This is the result of the recent normalisation of obesity.

Is it fuck - people kidding themselves about their weight or deciding its fine to get on a horse without a thought to what they weigh has been going on for pretty much since horses have existed.

JFM27 · 16/07/2023 23:13

I cant see you did anything wrong you just told the truth. I wonder why people seem to go insane if anyone says they are too big.Yet as a naturally slim women size 6 people think can call us skinnie minis bags of bones,and as one very large woman said to me when she met me "o you are so tiny what do you eat,i said food.whst else.

Think no more of it obesity is becoming far too much the norm now,and all hell seems to break lose if people dare suggest anyone is overeight yet slim people can be insulted and its ok