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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
user1494451950 · 16/07/2023 18:13

Expecting them to know what’s ok for
a horse to cope with is entirely reasonable. You have done nothing at all wrong. They’re selfish and unreasonable. Block them and move on. You absolutely did the right thing.

EerieSilence · 16/07/2023 18:17

Here's my suggestion:

If they keep harping about it and making a scandal out of it, I would do the following:

Reply to their slagging you by politely saying: "Dear XY, I'm sorry you feel like you were discriminating for your weight. However, the maximum my mare can carry safely is OO pounds, otherwise it could jeopardise her health. Your weight was XXX pounds and your daughter's weight was XXX pounds. The safety and health of my horse is paramount. I am sorry that I could not support you and your daughter in your hobby and I wish you all the best."

That's it, end of story.

Teenagehorrorbag · 16/07/2023 18:18

You're not fat-shaming, it's about weight. If they were a tall person with a slim build but still over xx stone, you would still have said no.

Agree with PPs that perhaps we should all start including weight limits in any advert for a horse sale or loan - would make sense and avoid this sort of problem. E.g. 15h Connemara mare for loan, up to 15 stone in weight, blah blah.....

But it's not the norm now. Let's start it going forwards. Suggest it on your local horse riders group etc.

OP - sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. But just be glad you didn't let your lovely mare go to these dreadful people....! Flowers

maddening · 16/07/2023 18:23

Yanbu, but I wonder if there is a max weight for any horse then that should be in the advert - eg suitable for rider weight up to x pounds - just like if you go to a zip wire or theme park ride - that way avoids inappropriate people applying in the first place?

Hobbitlover · 16/07/2023 18:25

Most people who have a limit to what they want their horse to carry would put it on the advert tbh. Might be worth doing to avoid this happening again.

sumayyah · 16/07/2023 18:26

Having to tell someone no because of weight limits is not fat shaming

Unless you actually went outside and started laughing and shouting "not a chance lard arse" then I'm not sure how they are claiming fat shaming and discrimination 🙄

They should have been honest in what horses they had been allowed to ride and not expected you to give them a go

Matildahoney · 16/07/2023 18:31

You are absolutely not in the wrong.
I worked at an agricultural college, and it quite clearly stated in their prospectus for any of their equine courses that no one would be accepted weighing over 12 stone for the safety of the horses, any experienced rider/horse owner would know this info so it should have come as no surprise to them!

Twentytwothousand · 16/07/2023 18:31

They know nothing about horses clearly. You’re not going to risk an animal’s health for their feelings. Ridiculous people. Can you post a weight to HH ratio somewhere if you’re getting abuse on social media. Or amend your post to remind would be riders of the maximum weight for this animal?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/07/2023 18:34

YANBU

I've gained weight recently, so have stopped riding until I lose it again.

Anyone who is remotely experienced with riding is well aware of weight limits on various breeds of horses.

You didn't fat shame them. You were seeking important information relevant to the welfare of your horse.

They sound like nasty, vile bitches and I'd just block them. Horrible people, probably would have treated your horse as abusively as they are you.

sumayyah · 16/07/2023 18:36

FTLondon · 16/07/2023 18:11

You could have approached it a little differently and said “the max load for this horse is (xx)kg”, rather than asking their weight which is often seen as rude.

Otherwise, not much else you could have done. You were saying “no” to them, so likely they would have reacted in a similar way no matter what.

Sadly some people if you tell them a max weight will swear blind they are just under it.
Pretty sure they would be even more offended if asked to hop on the scales to prove it

AllyArty · 16/07/2023 18:37

No u didn’t fat shame them. As u quite rightly said you priority is to your horse. If they were true animal lovers they wouldn’t want to mount a horse that they were too heavy for.

Solonge · 16/07/2023 18:37

Your horse and of course she must be your priority. If they wish to ride horses and not cause them damage they should know they must use bigger, heavier horses or lose weight, simple. You did nothing wrong.

ididntwanttodoit · 16/07/2023 18:40

Well, you were definitely in the right, but I wonder if it would have been more politic to have simply mentioned the weight limit for your horse rather than ask them to declare their weight? In fact, you will now know to mention this up front in future.

TaylorsSwimShorts · 16/07/2023 18:45

If they carry on being rude to you just reply reply “shut it fatties, go and buy a motorbike” 🤣🤣 joking… don’t do this 🤣🤣🤣

Ailsamary · 16/07/2023 18:51

I am very large and I would never ever expect someone just to allow me on their horse.

Ffs even the rides at the far have weight limits and that's not a sentient being with more that can be harmed. I'm not a horse person but common sense should come in here.

jays · 16/07/2023 18:51

Just tell them if they care so little for the welfare of an animal that they’re literally prepared to break its back with their fat arses for their own enjoyment then they need to have a word with themselves. I honestly wouldn’t hold back at this point.

AGoodDayForSomebodyElseToDie · 16/07/2023 19:11

It’s really, really common to see horses advertised for loan or share with a weight limit. There’s absolutely no reason not to put one on your advert. You still get the odd optimistic / delusional response, but it does reduce them.

I would also say that whether you’re being unreasonable does slightly depend on the weight limit you decided, but didn’t communicate in the advert. If your weight limit is, for example, 10% of the horse’s healthy weight, that’s fine - your horse, your rules - but you would be unreasonable to expect others to know that’s your limit. If your limit is 20%, you aren’t unreasonable in any way. Between those two values, it’s something of a sliding scale of whether you can reasonably expect a third party to be automatically on the same page as you.

startingagain13 · 16/07/2023 19:13

My daughter has a slightly smaller horse than yours. I would not ride her horse as I have too much weight for her horse. I am a size 12.

Nsky62 · 16/07/2023 19:16

A horse is living feeling being, of course it must be protected offence or mot

HappyMe6 · 16/07/2023 19:16

They sound a complete nightmare and unhinged you have done absolutely nothing wrong, there is a weight limit they exceeded it! There’s no way on this earth I would have allowed my horse( if I had one) to be ridden, blaming you for fat shaming is ridiculous.

Wonderfulstuff · 16/07/2023 19:16

I love horsey thread because they're normally bat shit (i.e. what on earth does anyone do with their life if they don't own a stable of horses or DH won't allow my horse in the house) but this one seems entirely reasonable.

Justcashnosweets · 16/07/2023 19:18

Fwiw, and I know nothing about horses, I would NEVER get on any horse because I'm really overweight. A friend of mine has 2 massive horses, and I have refused to ride them even when my friend has said that my weight is fine, as there is no way I would want to put my considerable weight on any poor animal! Yanbu OP. They are utter arseholes.

Wigglywoman · 16/07/2023 19:19

as my name suggests, I am a fat person. And I wouldn’t be offended by this at all! I might feel a bit embarrassed but only because of societal views of fatness and it’s just engrained but I wouldn’t have been horrible to you. It sounds like they are maybe sensitive about their weight and have taken it out on you because they’re upset, but it does not mean what you said was wrong! 💜

Marcipex · 16/07/2023 19:26

They sound like loons. Put a link to whatever advisory stats there are, then block them.

Homebaby · 16/07/2023 19:26

I haven't read the whole thread of replies op so this may well have been said. I'm case not in my personal and professional opinion people need to stop thinking that they're entitled to ride any horse they want regardless of weight (or ability). You want to ride a smaller horse (or in some cases any horse) then make sure you're light enough to do so, simple. It's about having respect for the horse.
You are absolutely not in the wrong and any person who thinks you are isn't worth the time of day. Any equestrian worth their salt would support your decision a hundred per cent.